I'll Keep It Hidden

• by Hope
• 2 years ago

Ok, wow, I shouldn't like this poem or anything, but that is exactly how I feel right now. I said the word suicide and my dad started freaking out, just cause of the word. I definitely can't tell him how I'm feeling right now. I'm really struggling with self-harm every single day, and about a week ago I started having suicidal thoughts. I've never been great at sharing my feelings, so I hide it all from my parents and they don't suspect a thing. Yes, I have very subtly shared this with someone, and I'm gonna share a little more, but no one else knows a thing. So I know exactly how you're feeling.

• by Chloe Anderson
• 4 years ago

My nan died. She had cancer and I watched her wither away into nothingness. One night, I was lying in bed completely awake. Someone knocked on my door and said she's gone. It's my fault I didn't get to say goodbye. If I was with her, I could've helped. She could still be alive if it weren't for me. I haven't been the same since so I've been told. I cry but make sure they don't see. I cry breaking the promise I made to her: "Promise me you won't cry." I've broken that promise over and over and I can't stop.

• by Shams
• 4 years ago

I am not okay, but I want to be. I thought everything would be okay by now, but nothing's changed. I feel so empty I wanna cry, but I can't let them see. I wanna scream, but I can't let them hear. Am I selfish for wanting to be loved and accepted?

• by Dark_lover239, None ya beeswax
• 5 years ago

I'm an 11-year-old girl. I have depression and anxiety. I tried to tell my mom that I have depression. She's Catholic, and she thinks I'm pretending. I don't know what to do. I think about cutting, but when I think about my dog, Izzy, it goes away for a while.

• by Madidell01
• 6 years ago

I'm Madi, and I've been struggling with depression for the past two years, and I have a boyfriend now who is kind of helping with it. But I'm so scared that if we break up then my depression will get worse. So if you could pray for me that'd be great. Thanks.

• by Ashley
• 6 years ago

I'm Ashley. I would do normal stuff so no one would know that I'm sad. This is sad, but I miss those days. Now I can't be happy at all. I'm so depressed that I can't even put on a fake smile or laugh. I don't try and be happy, I don't try and look nice. Every time I get made fun of at school I have to bite my tongue so I won't cry. My parents hate me. They told me they did and my whole family. My friends don't care enough to ask. I try to tell my parents that I'm not well. They just say that I'm dramatic; they don't listen. Everyone is so happy, and I don't know how they are so happy. I can't breathe. I'm suffocating in my thoughts. I'm drowning in my tears. My throat is collapsing. But no one cares, and I just want someone to care.

• by Karla Romero
• 8 years ago

I am 13 and I tried several times to tell my family how I feel. They didn't understand how I felt. I am in seventh grade and I act differently now. My grades are constantly dropping and rising, I'm not putting as much effort into school than I used to, and I eat less causing me to lose some weight. I worry about what others think of me and try to be someone I'm not. I'm afraid of being myself around others. I know that I shouldn't change for others and just try to be myself. I go home and sometimes cry myself to sleep and think about my life. I even tried to explain to some of my friends but I feel like nobody truly understands how I feel. I know a few friends and adults in school that I can truly be myself around and trust. I don't understand why I feel like this sometimes or when and how this started happening. I put on a mask around others, and it leaves when I'm alone. An invisible thin wall between me and the rest of the people I care about. I just live life and see what happens.

• by Jacob Kline
• 8 years ago

I can totally relate. I am 15 and I am struggling with depression because of my mother's death 3 weeks ago.

• by -Exalted- By Name. Yet Areligious., 6 Feet From The Edge
• 8 years ago

"The battle rages. Win or lose nothing changes. Sadness, despair all around. No matter how much of myself I've found." Suicide has been constantly in my thoughts for a long time. I hate my meticulous thoughts, time and date, method, word-for-word suicide notes. I plan it all out everyday. I have three friends and physical pain is one of them. He helps my thoughts leave, my emotions run along side the thoughts. Lately I've been struggling through a constant debate of "Should I begin cutting?" or "Should I tell someone?" Both have pros and cons but I have no idea what to do. When I die I don't want to be remembered, which is good because eventually none of us will be. Eventually we will all be forgotten. So will George Washington, and Napoleon, and Caesar, and Alexander the Great. No one will be remembered because "forever and eternity" are just concepts and not truths. My loved ones would remember. So should they remember loss or failure to help their child? Which is worse as a parent?

• by Alice
• 8 years ago

I totally get it. I'm 13 as well and I'm struggling with: depression, anxiety, self harm, bullimia and mild ocd. I know the reaction that I would get if I told them how I feel, they would blame me and I would be in trouble. I couldn't deal with that. Thank you for writing this poem
-Alice x

• by Heidi, Australia
• 8 years ago

I'm 13 and I relate to this so much, I'm currently battling depression and don't feel as though I can tell anyone about it.

• by Pretoria
• 9 years ago

I can relate Hun... I feel what you're feeling. When you're depressed you feel as though nobody will ever understand and hiding it with the smile is a way of keeping them out. There's a God that I love sooo much, The Lord who heals. He healed me... trust Him to heal you too love!!

• by Jasmine Hernandez
• 9 years ago

I can relate to this more than ever. I am so depressed but i never show it. I just want people to find me in the dark hole I am in. It hurts to cry and sometimes my thoughts lead me to the worst situations. Why is life so hard? Why is the weight of all the bad things so heavy? It's hard to hold on.

• by Annabel
• 9 years ago

I'm battling with depression and I know what its like to keep it from those who you love so they don't get hurt. But honestly, its better to tell someone! Even if it's just your closest friends. I've told my best friends and they are helping me get through it and I am getting better. One day, everything will be okay as long as you keep battling through to get to that day. Never Give Up x

• by Emily Wood
• 10 years ago

I can't tell if I'm happy or not but...I'm glad you know how I feel 24/7. The wanting and needing to tell them but yet you can't cause your scared for the outcome.
Why does life cause such pain?

• by C. Lee
• 10 years ago

I can relate to this. I understand how it feels when you see your world breaking. I felt the heartaches and I just wanted to quit everything. I didn't want anyone to know about it. I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems. Just disappear. This poem was really touching and it's incredible.

• by Haley B, Colorado Springs
• 10 years ago

I have been depressed at least since 6th grade (I'm in 10th now). I was sexually abused by my older brother around 6th or 8th grade. I have been verbally abused by my mom since about 5th. I almost had an eating disorder. I didn't cut but harmed myself intentionally so I would get rid of the pain without leaving permanent scars I knew would haunt me later. I have been going to a therapist since 6th grade and just 2 days ago told her this. I didn't know I would have to tell my parents. I'm so scared and don't cry about being sexually abused, but cry about telling them. This poem really spoke to me. Thank you. All of you considering suicide or whom are cutting, I GUARANTEE that there is someone who cares for you beyond your belief. Even if it's just me. I'm crying for you now. Don't do it!! PLEASE!!!!! I beg you!!!!!

• by Ashley
• 10 years ago

I know how you feel. Don't worry you are not the only one. You have other people who are willing to help. I have many crap myself too. But I know if we work together it's easier. We tell our parents and they hear but ignore. Now that my cuts got really really bad they want to listen. Why?

• by Kayla Holloway
• 10 years ago

I've been there before. I know how it is to just put on a smile and pretend like everything is okay. I didn't want to be selfish and have my mom worrying about me so I made her, all my friends, and my boyfriends believe that I was happy. When it seemed like everything was getting to be too much and someone would notice something was wrong. I would just blame it on a fight I had with someone. A girl at school noticed everything because she was doing the same thing as me. She taught me how to relieve the pain when it was getting to much. In the form of physically hurting myself but not leaving scars so my parents and friends wouldn't find out. That started in the 7th grade. I am now 19 years old and my mom is just now finding out what's been going on. I am now in counseling and on medication. Don't think you're in it alone you can make it through it and try talking with your parents again maybe in a different way or to your doctor. Someone will believe you. Just don't give up.

• by Christy
• 10 years ago

I am reading and knowing so well understanding these feelings and stories. I am the offspring of an alcoholic and have struggled with many things growing up in that environment. As I age it seems to become more profound now, loneliness, abandonment and isolation are magnified. I love nature and the outdoors and MUSIC it has been my salvation, but the days get shorter and darker and colder those are the shadows moving in, miss my campground, my camping creatures and friends and lost my MOM on Easter. Right now missing a friend I really care about from camping, miss him tremendously but can't interfere with his life and family, but he made me smile, and laugh and cry sometimes just because I care so much. No one really knows or understands my heart aches my soul aches and I am just existing...what I woudn't do just to hear his laugh and see his smile!

• by Hannah, Wisconsin
• 10 years ago

I understand completely I'm 13, and I have tried to end it all but seem to always find myself in the bathroom getting ready for school the next day. I have been in relationships where people care but I feel that I can't truly open up. No one in my family knows only one of my friends does. For the last 4 years life has been an excruciating experience and I seem to make it through because of my close male friend who supports me all the way. He is probably the only reason that I am here today. I hope that you've found a way to cope- Stay Strong

• by Brandon Green
• 11 years ago

This is really touching. Throughout my life I've been hurt repeatedly and I just feel like something is tearing away at my soul. My family and friends all think I'm perfectly fine and happy but I'm not. Recently I broke up with my girlfriend because I've been realizing that I can't be in a relationship when I have so many emotional problems. Everyone has asked me why, but I can't tell them so I just say personal reasons...I want to say the truth but I can't.

• by Vanessa Granger
• 11 years ago

Hi! I must say I think you are an amazing writer and if you ever feel worthless remember your talents shine through your excellent poems!
I also was so touched because you expressed my own feelings and what I have been trying to understand since fifth grade! Please know that you have helped someone more than you could have imagined.

• by Cat Wilson
• 11 years ago

This was amazingly executed and I love it I was skimming through the beginnings and reading whatever caught my eye yours is the second best yet keep it up :) I was like you. Alone but it gets better. My friend helped. You can't fight it alone, so let people in.

• by Angela, Canada
• 11 years ago

Hi my names Angela I live in British Columbia I just turned 13!! and I've been depressed for a long time because of all the stress in my family. I go through stress everyday I've never had one day without stress in a very long time. This poem really touched me because I know how you feel it's the same thing I'm going through. I tell myself everyday not to kill myself that my family needs me and that things will get better when I get older but I can't take it anymore. I've tried killing myself before. No one in my family knows I told my mom before I said to her I'm gonna kill myself she never believed me she thought I was stupid!!!!! I think everyday if I wanna kill myself I have no clue were my life's gonna take me and if I will be dead sooner or later all I know is keep your head strong and make the right decision okay xoxox

• by Frieda
• 11 years ago

I feel the same way, yet I don't want to tell anyone. I don't want help. How could they help me anyways? Take me to a therapist.. they would only be feeding me lies about myself.

• by Hayden Mclean
• 11 years ago

I completely feel the same way. I'm 15 and I've tried to tell my parent that I was depressed and they have just denied it. I've been bullied all my life and have tried to get away but find myself being more depressed since I started high school. I've been thinking about killing myself. I've tried numbing the pain by hurting myself. Pills but doesn't work I don't know what to do anymore so I've just lost all emotions or care about what happens to me all I want to do now is help and listen to other people and help them to a better future if anyone wants to talk to me reply to this post I'm always there to help.

• by Samantha, Texas
• 11 years ago

I completely understand the meaning of this. I'm 13 and I tried once telling my parents about my depression. They didn't understand, and they think it's just hormones or something. No one actually listens to me, and my depression is becoming overwhelming. I think of killing myself, but that wouldn't help, really, because then my family would be upset, and I don't want them to be upset. I want them to be happy, so I pretend that everything is ok, and never tell anyone how I feel. I just put a smile on my face and hide my depression from the world.

• by Roselyn, Seattle
• 12 years ago

I love this. I feel the same way. I live with my grandparents, and two uncles. I've tried dropping hints that I'm depressed, and that I've cut. But I remember my grandma saying 'That's so stupid. I was depressed a little when I was a teen but I never hurt myself!' and my uncle mumbled 'damn attention sluts.'.... I could never tell them. They would be shocked and say 'why the hell would you do that?' and would be hurt. And they could never afford to get me help. My friends would never understand. They would still love me, but I know their parents wouldn't want me around them.. I even tried to tell my best friend and she said 'stop being depressed! It's annoying!!!".............. How could she ever think that I choose this?? Sometimes I wish I could die, but I would NEVER kill myself. :(

• by Antonia, Misouri
• 12 years ago

I love your poem. It shows exactly how I feel. No one seems to understand me in this world, and I'm crying as I write this. Your poem touches my heart and soul, and I hope you jeep writing and following your dreams.

• by Anonymous, Pittsfield
• 12 years ago

I'm 17 and I have been through a lot within the past two years. I was sexually assaulted at 16 by my ex boyfriend, and my life has been a nightmare. Every weekend. I'm with my mom she gets drunk and thinks it's OK. My dad does pot everynight and acts like I don't know what he's doing. My parents aren't together so it's hard for them to get to know me. I've attempted Suicide Sunday before but didn't succeed.

• by Tasha, Oregon
• 12 years ago

I also feel the same way. Everyone that knows me thinks I feel good and happy, even my parents... but it's just the opposite. I can't find a way to tell them about my depression either. It's just too hard to bear, to be depressed all the time.

• by Eloisa, Manila
• 12 years ago

Please don't end a life so beautiful. Let your parents help you. The smile you put on your face may cheat them for a while, but you need to tell them, YOU NEED HELP.

Depression is temporary, we do also fall into depression. But we often talk about our failures, our situation and even what we want to do as a result of it. If not your parents, talk to somebody you do not know, or who does not know you. This way, you will not feel awkward to tell everything that bothers you. Go to a minister, a nun, a spiritual person...

Oh dearest, please live the gift of life, don't end it...

• by Mom, NC
• 12 years ago

To all of you I know that life must be hard and I know that sometimes it may seem that there is no way out I know because I seldom go through depression where I have to put on this BIG happy face and can't show the world what I am going through. I've been there matter fact going through something right now can't share with nobody because of the embarrassment sooo depressed right now have to hide my tears but I am here to tell you that God puts no more on us than we can bare and killing yourself or ending your life is not the answer. I need you to trust God. I promise you it gets better your family loves you don't worry God will hold you in that midnight hour when the pain is just unbearable. Just cry out to him but please DON'T END YOUR LIFE. FIND A MINISTER TO TALK TO.

• by A Mom, NC
• 12 years ago

My beautiful son killed himself in 2007. I read this poem and cried so hard. This is how he must have felt. Although he was gorgeous, smart and so funny it really didn't matter, There was too much pain for him to deal with anymore! As for me his mother, father and brother who is 15, well we suffer every minute of every day, Please to all you out there, get some help, it's a real heart ache that your family has to live with forever long after you have found peace.

• by Anonymous, Minnesota
• 12 years ago

I know what you mean. One thing that has helped me is get over this is a girl. I've always been on the handsome level of attraction to girls (I'm only 15) so girls would always try to talk to me but would go away once they see my pushing away/sad side. Lately there's this one girl who I really want to like me back because I like her a lot. She has opened my eyes after two long sad years and made me realize where I was at school; a nobody who pushes people away who wants to be his friends and only hang out with people he feels superior to, like the lower ranking popular people. Note that I don't care about popularity anymore, I used to awhile ago but depression seems to have made me truer to myself. I know the kind of people I want to hang out with, who I want to be, what I want to be, and I have big dreams now. This journey has really opened my eyes but I still have a lot to go re-learn again, even though I am more open-minded I seem to be more close-hearted. I realize now that you need friends. True friends. That's what I didn't have before. This girl I like made me realize all that. She gave me self-confidence/esteem and someday I hope to be with her. I hope all you depressed people get better soon. All you need is friends and goals. My goal is that I will change the world someday but for now I need to change myself first. Good Luck all.

• by Martina, Ontario
• 12 years ago

I do hope you have found some peace of mind in this past year since your post, and that you have found some other option, a little less permanent than suicide. My depression started when I was 11, so I do truly feel your pain, no one believed me either as I too was a "happy" girl. It wasn't until my coping strategy was noticed that I was hurting inside. By 16 I had been in and out of hospital with overdoses and requiring stitches/staples, I was finally diagnosed, or labeled is more like it. Bipolar, Borderline personality and PTSD. I have now been SH free for 6 years and happily married. I have found peace, and the light at the end of the tunnel, the hardest part is getting through it all. Please know there is hope, things DO get better no matter how hard they are, I made it through, I believe you can too. Keep writing, you have a beautiful talent. If you ever need someone to talk to I'd love to listen. Stay Strong.

• by Anonymous
• 12 years ago

I find it very sad that you have to live like this. My boyfriend suffers from depression and has been to a counselor and he is getting better. It is a mental illness and nothing to be ashamed about. Speak to a counselor at your work or school.

• by Katie, New Mexico
• 12 years ago

I know how you feel. I feel the same way my mom don't listen. She puts it off like its a game or something but hang in there. I promise it will get better.

• by Eian, Philippines
• 12 years ago

This poem touched me, very much indeed .
I think I'm going crazy, showing them my happy face like I don't give a damn of life. Well, they don't know, my parents . Especially my mom who thinks she's great at all. They don't even know how depressed I am. How awful I feel every single day. How painful it is, to be alone. To be discriminated . I feel like my life is being sucked by a big black hole. When all I need is their love and support. A good relationship between them and by them., I want to be pulled out in this black hole.

• by Chay, TN
• 12 years ago

This is exactly how I feel. My friends and family thing I'm happy go lucky but inside it's like a tornado went through and ruined everything D: so I hope you learn to cope.

• by Royally
• 12 years ago

I know how it feels, I'm having the same problem. I live just because I feel sorry for my mom. I wished I was dead over a hundred times. My sister is emo, but when my mom found out she punched her hard. I'm afraid if I tell her how I feel, it'll be even worse. I know she won't understand. She doesn't see. but even my teacher knows there's something not okay with me. My smile is too fake, my laugh is too soft. All I ever wanted, is to be loved.

• by Kgosi
• 12 years ago

Your poem was like a reflection of my own life. The words "I can't do this any more" play over and over in my head and I just want to scream and say "HELP ME". Sometimes I feel like there is no hope and slowly the person I once was is dying inside and sometimes I wish the person on the outside would die as well. It's hard for me to write this because I've never told anyone how I feel and its killing, but I hope things are better for you.

• by Amy, Texas
• 12 years ago

I feel the same way. I want to die but I don't even think of killing myself, I would feel too scared and if I tell my mom how I feel she would go crazy. People say you look so happy but inside I'm not:/

• by Kelly Florida
• 13 years ago

This really touched me I have been struggling with depression and my mom doesn't believe me she thinks its stress but I know its not. I've been going through a lot lately and my parents just don't understand I know I'm all smiley on the outside but on the inside my body is just crumbling as the days go on. I would never think to kill myself because I would be too scared and I know it would put a lot of guilt on my parents but most of this is their fault. I try telling my mom but if I try to talk to her she never will believe! :/

• by Karrie
• 13 years ago

This is exactly how I feel thanks for writing it..everyone tells me how I'm the happiest person they have ever met but inside I'm actually dying inside.

• by Storm X
• 13 years ago

I know what you mean, I've been feeling like this too, it's not so bad that I want to die or anything, but right now I feel like giving up on myself and I know I could never tell anyone even if I wanted too, especially my parents, I don't know what they'd do but I know they'd feel let down and... well, I guess it would just make things worse.

• by Sammie, Racine
• 13 years ago

I know where you are coming from with this. I just hope that things are/will get better soon and that you found a way to cope.

• by Kaleigh Fisher
• 13 years ago

I'm glad there is someone else out there that knows what it feels like to want to die but can't because of the hurt it would cause. I'm always trying to be happy and never letting anyone see the hurt I told my parents once and they said was stress...I'm really starting to wonder if it's better that they keep living their happy lives or just put a bomb shell in their lives. Thank you for writing this poem.