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Suicide Poem

When I was 15, my Dad committed suicide and I never got the chance to say goodbye. I want to tell this story to help others understand the value of time that they have to spend with loved ones. Always say "I love you" because you never know what may happen. It is the worst feeling in the world to know that they may not have known.

A Silent War

© Lisa Miktuk
Leaving us without word, nothing left to say,
Mom and me are never going to forget that day.
Something must have hurt so bad and I simply turned my back,
There's so many things I want to say, but it seems the right words I lack.

I never got to say goodbye or tell you that I care,
You must have felt all alone, desperate, hurt, and scared.
I wonder why you felt so bad that your pain engulfed your life,
I wonder if you thought of us, your daughter and your wife.
If I could go back in time and try to ease your pain,
I would dry all your tears when they fell like rain.
It must have been a place so dark that you could not see the light,
But here I am, you're pain I feel, I cry myself to sleep at night.

So Daddy please forgive me, I was only 15 at the time,
I didn't realize how lucky I was that you were all mine.

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Published: Feb 2010

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  • I loved your poem...
    My dad killed himself when I was 18,
    I hadn't talked to him for a year...
    we were in an argument...
    For the rest of my life I will regret that year...
    I too never realized how lucky I was to have him... I realize it now...

    Jamie- Clackamas, OR Submitted Apr 2010
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  • You have a lot of questions and I understand them all..My mother did this when I was 23. I'm now 36 and in my own pain. Yes your father thought and loved you and your mother. I go through cycles of sadness, anger, o.k. for a minute, I assume you do too. They know we love and miss them, I'm sure they miss us too.

    Leslie, Murfreesboro TN Submitted Jun 2010
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  • I loved your Poem. I also can relate. Not sure I'll ever understand it but I know how it feels. Both of my Parents did the same. My Father hung-himself in our garage in 1999. My Mother then hung herself in my grandmothers garage in 2008. I was 21 when dad died and was 28 when my mom died. I'm 31 now and still miss them with everyday that passes but I know that they don't hurt anymore and that I couldn't stopped them from doing it. Try to forgive them as hard as that may be. It helps your heart.

    Amy Submitted Aug 2010
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  • I really connected with your poem. My father killed himself when I was 19 years old. The day that my daughter turned two weeks old. He got to hold her one time. I will never understand why he did it. It just doesn't seem real to me still to this day.

    Amber Garrett/West Virginia Submitted Sep 2010
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  • Wow I am totally blown away. I have always felt so alone in this situation. My mother shot herself when I was 20. I was in college and came home from school and found her. My sister and I struggle with this everyday. I now know she was sick and sad. I love and miss her very much. I live with guilt every second of everyday, always tell the ones you love I love you. My life was flipped up side down in a second. Good luck and my heart goes out to all who are suicide survivors.

    Melissa, Louisville, Kyy Submitted Sep 2010
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  • Oh my goodness.. That's exactly how I felt. My daddy committed suicide on March 8, 2010. I was 14. Me and my dad didn't have the greatest relationship ever.. He had abused me & my brothers multiple times and at times I felt like he hated me, but we did have some good times. He gave me the best advice and I knew he was always there for me. He helped me with everything. I wish I could tell him I love him one last time and give him the biggest hug. He was a great man, but confused. I just wish he had seen that leaving us like this wouldn't help anything.. just make it worse. I feel for you girl.

    Madison, Springfield, OH Submitted Jan 2011
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  • Your poem touched my heart too. My dad also committed suicide last year, March 10, 2010. Although I was 44 when this happened, I still miss him and have so many questions. I know that my dad was a strong man. He had just been strong for too long and could no longer take the depression. I want to thank you for posting your poem. My heart goes out to your family, because I know the hurt. God bless you and your family!

    Michelle, Ellington, Mo. Submitted Mar 2011
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  • I feel your pain, my father committed suicide in his car on December 25, 1996 (yes Christmas day). I was only three at the time, but as you may know living your life without your father makes you a totally different person and it affects your life in more ways than 1. I am getting ready to graduate this year and was supposed to get married this summer. It's every girl's dream to have her father walk her down the aisle and we will never have that chance. people do not understand unless they are living in our shoes. I hear people all the time say "I wish my father was dead" and I can't help but to find myself get upset and tell them stranger or not that they do not wish that, and they have no idea the pain behind those words!! I hope things begin to look up for you. my daddy has been gone for 14 years 3 months and 1 week as of today! I miss him and love him so very much♥

    Jess, Nc Submitted Apr 2011
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  • I love this poem...I was listening to this song when I was reading it.

    Nicole Submitted Apr 2011
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  • I know how you feel. I was 14 years old when my father committed suicide. My mom told him she wanted a divorce and he didn't want her to leave him. He didn't want to lose the house that we live in and he didn't want to just see us every other week. I remember him telling me one night "I know I'm no going to live much longer. I can feel it." The next week I walked into the bedroom and found him hanging from the ceiling. I feel like I could have stopped it all from happening. He basically told me straight up his life was going to end soon. Its my fault he died and I regret my last words to him. The last words I said to him were "I hate you, why don't you just leave so it would be easier?" He wouldn't leave the house and so my mom was forced to leave. The saying "You never know what you have until it's gone" is definitely true. I will never forgive myself.

    Kristen, Montauk, New York Submitted Jul 2011
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  • Hi, to all of the readers. My name is Kristin Nelson I live in Cleveland, Ohio. I know exactly how everyone feels. My older brother committed suicide 3 years ago. He was 21 and I was 19. We were very close. He had depression, bipolar. don't know why he did it. I know we didn't have the best childhood, but we stuck together. Both of our parents has issues. He always said that god put us in a crazy family but together we can be sane. So when he left me I felt that I was left with this crazy family alone. I just got to a point where I am not mad at him. I understand that he couldn't go on in this insanity and that maybe I was stronger than him, To my dear brother Kenneth Avery I love you more than life itself. I forgive you, for your decision and I will always go to support groups to celebrate your life. You will always have a place in my heart. Love You. To the readers I hope this helps you to cope.

    Kristin Nelson, Cleveland,Ohio Submitted Nov 2011
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  • I am so glad that I read this poem when I did for me and my dad barely talk we are not really getting along right now so I guess
    I should make things right before it is too late. I don't know how you could cope without your dad because I would die with out mine
    How are you feeling though I can feel the pain you are feeling I'm sorry;(

    Jessylee Carey Submitted Nov 2011
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  • I know how you all feel too, I lost my cousin awhile back but our family was just too blind to actually see his pain, to see him suffering. He was popular, had everything a kid would ever want. He hung himself and I remember how empty I felt. I saw him in the casket, all cold and pale. It's the last memory I have of him. He was like a brother to me, my hero, he seemed so perfectly happy. He always told me to keep my head up high and never let anyone talk me down. I never felt so much pain in my life, I thought I was going to go crazy but then I realized how many people were effected by what he done, not just him.

    Rhiaana Submitted Dec 2011
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  • I have entertained thoughts of suicide, and other members of my family have thought of it too. The latest person is my dad. He alluded to it on several occasions and I got really angry. I believe he is trying to find the easy way out and leave us to deal with the consequences of his actions. He lied and cheated on my mother, he didn't provide for us and he expects that everything should be ok. He expects us to love him and accept his behaviors as the norm.

    I love him and I don't want him to give up on life, but I am so tired of him threatening us with suicide that I get angry and get out on him.

    Nadia, Jamaica Submitted Dec 2011
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  • I wanted to say how much this poem/letter to your father helped me. I am fifteen and my dad died two months ago by suicide. Everything you wrote, were the feelings I couldn't put into words. You helped me know that what I'm feeling isn't wrong, and it helped me to be able to relate to someone. Thank you.

    Tracey Submitted Jan 2012
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  • I would thank you for that poem. It relates my story since dad killed himself 10 months ago.
    Thank you for sharing this pain and letting me know that I am not the only person who has lived that tragedy.
    I'm still hurt and will be for the rest of my life. Love you Dad, RIP

    Hanaa, Casablanca Submitted Feb 2012
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  • I read your poem darling and it was very touching I lost my husband last year to suicide he hung himself as well and I found him not very nice we have 2 little girls who miss their daddy like crazy and they only know he went to heaven they don't know how as they are to little aged 6 and 8. I really don't know if I have the strength to do this all by myself. It is so hard I tell the girls every day that daddy loves them and is watching them from heaven but they just want him to come home as I wish he would too, but in my dreams he is with us always. Thanks darling for sharing your thoughts it was a lovely poem.

    Peta Qld Submitted Mar 2012
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  • I've read these stories and I cry but know soon I will take my life as well. I lost everything and miss my fiancι and daughter so much. I can't live with the pain any more. I'm homeless and alone.

    Gb California Submitted Mar 2012
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  • I just want to say to Gb California that people care about you--including me, and I haven't even met you!--and that there is so much in your future to live for. I know how painful life can be. I lost my Dad to suicide four months ago and I am hurting and missing him so much, and I wish I would have known how much pain he was in so I could have done something more to help him. Things might be tough for you right now, but there is hope for the future. As you can see from all of these posts, ending your life will cause those who love you more pain than you can possibly imagine. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please find help--the national suicide prevention number is 1-800-273-8255--and hold on--it will get better. I am praying for you.

    Monica, Ohio Submitted Mar 2012
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  • To all those who left comments thanking me;

    It is so nice to know that others do feel the same about losing a family member to suicide. It is devastating. The ones who leave us in that way don't realize that we are the ones left behind dealing with the pain that they felt. It IS okay to feel all different kinds of emotions, that comes with all deaths, especially suicide. To all those suffering from the horrible loss, my heart and deepest sympathies go out to you. I will be writing more. It's been 5 years since my dad died and I still fight with the pain each day. Just remember to keep on keeping on and always know that our loved ones lost are watching over us, in some way shape or form.

    Lisa Miktuk, Cleveland Ohio Submitted Apr 2012
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  • My cousin recently killed himself. We were estranged for quite a while, then we were brought back together for the last 6 months or so of his life. We weren't extremely close, but we weren't strangers. The last time I spoke to him, we had a fight and I said some stuff I really regret.
    Please help, I don't know what to do and I feel extremely guilty.

    Prudance, Japan Submitted 6/11/2012
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  • This poem really hit me.
    My dad committed suicide when I was 14, I was alone with him at my house while he did it...my mom was in Oregon.
    I just think about how I could of stopped him, there were visible signs, and I thought to myself before he did this "what if he was planning to shoot himself" He was cleaning out his gun...I should've known. He kept saying " I love you", he never did. I feel guilty but I have to keep strong for my family...since I'm the only one able to keep strong the whole time.
    This fall, I'll be going off to college...to the college he dreamed of me going to...he's supposed to be the one taking me, we had plans.

    I miss him.

    Kelsey, Washington Submitted 7/3/2012
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  • Thank you for this. My dad took his life in 2005. I was 19 and home from college. I think I do a very good job about carrying on with life with as little baggage from it as possible but it resurfaces in the most terrible ways. I'm engaged to be married and having a very hard time all over again with dealing with my anger and sadness. It's begun to affect my relationship with my fiance. The toughest thing about being a survivor is when your brain and your heart conflict.

    Jac, Ohio Submitted 7/9/2012
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  • I know the same pain. My daddy died when I was 14 I'm now 15. He died 12-15-11 a week before Christmas.. that day him and I got in a huge fight. I told him I hated him and left. I came back a few hours later to tell him I loved him and I'm sorry... I was too late :'( when we got in that fight his heart was beating so fast. He died of a massive heart attack and it's all my fault. I regret everyday I don't have my daddy here with me. If only I could say sorry and I loved him for one last goodbye. I miss him so much. I cry everyday. A lot of people bully me because I'm a "big baby" but they don't understand my hurt. Walking in the house and seeing him lay on the floor dead in front of me. The cops had to pull me away and take me outta the house. I didn't wanna leave his side. I go and visit him when I get a chance. I bought a lot of things for him and put on his grave. I wrote him a letter and it's still there. If people only understood :'( I'm sorry about your dad.
    R.I.P Daddy
    12-15-1

    Catrina Submitted 9/7/2012
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  • It saddens me to read your poem because I know firsthand what it's like losing a father to suicide at a young age. I was 11 when my dad shot himself and I found his body. My mom died from a drug overdose a few years later. For years I kept going over in my mind what I could have done differently. How I could have been a better son and saved my parents. How I should have done more to prevent these tragedies. It took me time to realize that it's not a child's place to save his or her parents. Parents are supposed to take care of their children, not the other way around. I have a lifetime of pain to try to heal and it's hard as hell. What my dad did lurks in my mind and rears its ugly head from time to time. I've felt the gamut of emotions and now after over two decades am stuck at anger. How could he leave his family? I'm so sorry to read and hear of others' pain but it's comforting to know I'm not alone. Please don't focus on the could of's and should of's.

    Chris, NJ Submitted 9/9/2012
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  • My dad committed suicide when I was 15 as well. I was the only child, and he left behind a wife, my mom, as well. When I read this it literally sent chills down my spine, because the similarities between what I read and what I really went through are amazing. I am now 25, and it has been 10 years since his passing. I can't tell people it gets easier with time, because each day is different. But, there is never a day that goes by that I do not think about him. I love him, and he continues to be my best friend and hero. You will be in my thoughts, and thank you for sharing this.

    Sarah, North Dakota Submitted 9/10/2012
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  • I read these all and cried, Cause I'm not the only one going through this pain. My Dad committed suicide. Sept 4th, 2012. My dad was the happiest guy in the world, we were so close. I just moved away for college we talked on the phone almost every night. My dad taught me everything I know, he was me life. He loved me and my sisters dear. But one day at work my sister came in and told me with a tear soaked face "my dad hung himself." No one in my whole family knew why, I was the closest one in the world to him and I have no idea. Besides the sleeping pills he was taking. I'm not sure what it was I just hope he was not lonely he had no one at home with him he was alone after I left to school. I still have this small guilt in my head that it was my fault. I'm 18 and lost my teacher, my role model my world, my dad. I miss him everyday.

    Tommy, Minnesota Submitted 9/19/2012
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  • Thank you that poem meant the world to me my husband committed suicide a year ago in December I found him and my disabled daughter was down stairs. It broke my heart and I will never get over it. I love him and miss him more than life.

    Lisa, Merrimac MA Submitted 11/13/2012
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  • This poem says everything I wish I could of said to my Dad. My Dad took his own life 7 years ago a few months before my 13th birthday. I found him hanging from our loft and his last words to me were that he promised he wouldn't leave me.

    Rebecca, Warrington UK Submitted 12/19/2012
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  • As I read through all these stories under this remarkable poem I felt a sense of comfort because I never realized there were more fathers out there, other than my own that didn't realize the value of life. Today marks the fifth year my dad has been gone, I still wish my phone would ring and he'd say hey Sades, I was 19 when he shot himself, left a note for a woman I didn't even know :,( No note for me, no note for my sister. Alcohol and drugs make people do horrible things. If your considering taking your own life please don't, ask for help, taking your life is not the answer. Think about your kids if you have them, what about when they have kids, or your daughter wants her daddy to walk her down the aisle, think about who is going to have to plan your funeral, visit your tomb stone, think about who will have to make the decisions for what to do with your belongings, think about every one of these stories and ask yourself if you really want to leave the people you love with this much hurt, and guilt. Please ask for help. Somebody loves you, and somebody will care you just have to try. I have all of you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

    Sadie, Michigan Submitted 1/23/2013
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