A Silent War

• by Matilda Ellington
• 2 years ago

It will be 25 years on December 28, 2021, that I lost my father to suicide. Before this happened, I hadn't seen or spoken to my dad in about 3 years. Though it's been 25 years, it's been the toughest emotional and mental roller coaster. I gave birth to my son who would have been his 1st grandson 1 week before he passed. I was blamed, and I blame myself at times wishing I could rewind the time and just have been there to take my baby to meet him. I know only he and God know his story and it's not my fault, but I was left without saying goodbye.

• by Mark
• 3 years ago

I have not seen my daughter in 20 years. Her mom thinks it's okay to lie cheat and steal a child from a father. And oh, her mom is a criminal alien. As a father, life means little to me. I have no joy in this world.

• by Emily
• 5 years ago

Thank you! I love it. My father hanged himself while I was in the house when I was 17. I'm now 26. It was a shock and a loss, but he was in so much pain. He left me and my sister behind. Keep going. We will push through!

• by Brad Madsen, Iowa
• 5 years ago

I hope you are finding peace. I'm a father of two boys, both a little older than you were at the time. I've struggled with depression and despair as well. I've often though about ending my life. This is very touching for me and helps me realize that suicide is not the end of pain. It simply passes the pain on to someone we love.

• by Athena Owens
• 6 years ago

Thank you for this. Your poem has helped me with my feelings about my own dad, who committed suicide almost a month ago on Father's Day. This poem speaks to me so much. Thank you. I can't thank you enough. Thank you.

• by Bridget -Wayne Keller
• 6 years ago

Thank you for this poem. It was two years ago today my father took his own life. By far the most traumatic, life-altering event in my life to this day. He was an addict who suffered severe depression and I hated him so much for what he had let it done to destroy him and our family. I never got to say goodbye or I love you and that, more than anything, left me in a whirlwind of emotions. The guilt, anger, and confusion left me mentally crippled daily. But I have come to realize this is not and never will be something to help others like him out there who are suffering. I miss my dad incredibly every day, but I now live every day with a stronger purpose to persevere and value the seconds of every day I am blessed with. This world is hurting and has lost its perspective on love. We must love and give love daily because that is our purpose. We were created on purpose for a purpose and living every day with the mindset of "joy in the journey not the destination" will bring freedom. Live On!

• by JJG
• 6 years ago

I'm sitting here typing this with tears streaming down my face. I'm 42, a father of a 3 year old girl. I also believe I'm suffering from severe depression, and I'm in a horrible relationship with her mother. Honestly, I think about killing myself several times a week for about 1 year or so now and have been very close. The thought of my little girl keeps me from doing it. I'm glad I read this; it's more inspiration to push through and live.

• by Mazerunner52
• 6 years ago

I understand your feelings. I was only 8 when my dad killed himself. He knew that you loved him. Trust me, he's in the clouds watching you grow up. He loves you very much. I know he does. But fight for him and make your life as best as you can. I'm sorry this happened to you, but know that he loves you.
Love,
Your friend Maze

• by Sarah Newman
• 6 years ago

Today marks the 10 year anniversary since my father hung himself. Being only 13 at the time, I wasn't able to read the signs or comprehend his cries for help. It felt like the whole world was ending that day, and even now, it still feels like that sometimes. Your poem made me cry my eyes out, because I still feel this pain every day of my life, and it feels like it won't fade for many, many years. I miss my dad so much, so, so much.

• by Sherry Wagner
• 6 years ago

My 23 year old daughter committed suicide 3 1/2 years ago. She battled mental illness since the age of 15, that's when she really started falling apart. It was hell, but her death was when my heart broke. It physically hurt so bad. We adopted her as a 3 month old and loved her so much. I have so much guilt as I find most parents do. What could I have done that I didn't? So many questions left unanswered. My salvation is knowing that I will be with her again someday when my Lord takes me home. I think of her every day, and my tears freely fall each time. I have never been the same since that day and I never will.

• by Colleen Johnston, Corning,CA
• 8 years ago

My father committed suicide in 2004 two weeks before Christmas. I'll never forget that awful day! My life was shattered when I went into his bedroom and saw his lifeless body and the gun on the floor! His last supper, a bowl of pork and beans sitting on the nightstand. I wish I could have helped him more and feel the agonizing guilt every day! If he just would have waited another day, things would have gotten better! I'll miss you forever daddy until we meet again.

• by Mamello, Durban
• 9 years ago

My dad also committed suicide and I was just 12 years old. He did in front of me, my little brother and all my primary school mates. He not only killed himself, he tried to take my mom with him too but God was graceful enough to protect her and keep her for so she could raise us. For years I spent my life wishing there was something I could've done to prevent all that and kind of messed with my mentality and how I handled my relationships. Sometimes I believed things would've been different had he decided to stay and be there for us as every child needs both his or her parents by his or her side, together or not. Seeing my dad shoot my mom and himself before me really affected me and not just emotionally, my academics were also affected. If there's anyone who is considering suicide and is reading this, I'd to say nothing is worth taking your life for and if you don't believe that think about those you'll be leaving behind, you'll be leaving them with unexplainable self blame and eternal questions which they'll never get answers to. Nothing whatsoever is worth all that, there is nothing that can't be fixed when you believe. Take that chance at life even if things seem impossible.

• by Katelynn, Texas
• 9 years ago

Okay, I'm just going to get straight into it. Well my dad committed suicide when I was 11. Yes 11 and the worst part is he did it the day before my birthday. And we were not close. Because he was bipolar and schizophrenic. Which made it hard to have a good relationship with him. But he was a great dad. He helped me love music and I am thankful he did that. But after he passed my mom and I found his suicide letter. She read it to me once, and I don't remember what it said. I want to read it again, but I don't know where it is. I searched my whole house when my family was gone. And it is no where to be found.. Should I ask my mom where it is? So I can know if I had anything to do with him doing this to himself? I feel like I have the right to read it. But my mom may have thrown it away? Or lost it? I don't know how to ask her where it is. Or if I can read it. I don't know what to do, and if I don't read it I won't know what to do. I miss him so much and I wish I had a better relationship with my dad. I didn't know how much I needed/loved him until he passed. I wish I could come home and give him one more hug and kiss (he used to kiss me on the forehead) and tell him I love him.
Thank you to anyone who helps!

• by Ashley, Australia
• 9 years ago

Klh Wichita,
You may truly believe that it is justifiable to take your life now to remove the pain, and I do believe you hold much pain. But I also know that your kids will take on much pain and heartache and will forever question themselves like I do. They may not come around to you soon, but if you really love them and believe you can be a great dad again, they will one day. Don't force, but show them your love and let them know you are truly sorry and are there when they need. One day they will need you.
I've learnt we've all done our best, with the tools and knowledge we had, in the time we had. You and I would have repeated our past until we learned what we know now.
Email me if you need mate.

• by Klh Wichita KS
• 9 years ago

Ashley Australia: Thank you so very much for your story! I am sitting alone tonight thinking of the things I have done and feeling terrible for it. And thinking of going to a lake where my son and I used to camp and fish. Thoughts of going there to end my life were playing on my mind. It has been so long since I have seen my son I just don't feel like it would matter much to him. I'm not sure about my daughter. I live with a great deal of mental pain and remorse. I spend most of my time alone. I'm looking at a two part deal. One to escape the pain. And two, simply because of what I have done. So I thought I would check the website once more. And I see your response. Which made me feel much better! Do you feel that to escape the pain and remorse is not a justifiable reason? I'm not sure of the time difference between us. I hope this finds you well.
Thank you very much!!

• by Ashley, Australia
• 9 years ago

Klh Wichita ks.. Please change your mind!
My parents divorced and I hated my dad for the things he did to us. I told him so and didn't talk for 3 months after a huge but not uncommon fight where I told him I was cutting him off. I found him hanging in his house 3 days after Christmas dinner at grandparents house and felt guilt immediately. We ignored him to teach him a lesson and maybe he was too. Our last words were of hatred and in screaming. Words cannot describe the pain in my heart for not trying again with him. We expected to eventually get back with our Dad. Yours do too! If we knew it would lead to this we would have treated everything so differently. Don't leave your kids in the same mess as me. I'm 28 but still want a hug from my dad even though I hated him before. Keep doing the right thing and show them your love. If I saw that I would have tried more.
Please trust me you'll be doing more harm than good, especially at their age.

• by Klh Wichita Ks.
• 9 years ago

I am a father of two. A daughter that's 22 and son 18. I done something that was very wrong and was arrested and convicted. My wife divorced me and my son has disowned me. I have not seen him in 4.5 years. He wrote me a letter telling me that I was no longer a father to him. My heart has literally been ripped out. I am in anguish. I deeply regret what I have done. I live with it daily. The loss of my family has become too much for me to endure. I constantly think of suicide. I don't think they would care. It is the only way out for me. My life is over. I can't go through life hurting like I have been. I believe this to be a necessary and justified suicide. I feel for the rest of you missing your loved ones but I don't believe that would be the case with me. My kids no longer care about me. And that in itself causes me enough pain to do it.

• by Sally, Kentucky
• 10 years ago

Thanks for sharing the poem, my father took his life when I was 17, he often threatened it, only when he was drinking, was such a different man when he was sober. This was in 1976, I am now 55, I was an only child, and so blessed to have a Christian Mother, she is now 84.. I often look at my Children and grandchildren and wonder if they could have changed his life, I know he would have loved them.. He missed so much!!

• by Hayden, Texas
• 10 years ago

Oh my god, I'm 15 and my dad killed himself this poem is exactly how I feel.

• by Brittany, Colorado
• 10 years ago

This Poem is exactly what I feel inside! My dad killed himself on my birthday December 9th of 2013. I am 27 years old and I am trying to take it day by day. Thank you for this poem...it helped say the words I couldn't....

• by Rachael, England
• 10 years ago

Just want to say thanks Lisa I read your poem sometime in January not long after my dad committed suicide at New Year. It inspired me to write my own poem which was read at his funeral. Thank you again.

• by Anonymous
• 10 years ago

My father committed suicide when I was 4. I have a faint memory about him. But I think all the hatred I have in me now is inherited from him. I am very cynical about people and things. This also I inherited from him. I believe whatever goodness I have in me is from my mom. I love her to the moon and back. But I hate him the most.

• by Colin, CA
• 10 years ago

I'm a 30 year old father, in a really dark and painful place. I have 2 beautiful little girls 6 and 3. My wife has been a stay at home mom since we found out about our first child. I lost my job last year we lost our home, a car, the list goes on and on. I have failed my family. It's so painful. My wife whom I love deeply and I have grown into people we don't recognize. I'm so glad I read this right now. I think you just rescued 2 little girls from a lifetime of pain. Thank you so much.

• by Emma, England
• 10 years ago

I know how you feel my little brother who was only 8 took his life by hanging himself for being bullied when I was only 12 and we weren't that close but I wish we were though. I miss every single day.

• by Kate, NYC
• 10 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story and writing such a touching poem. It's been a little over a year since my dad killed himself. I was 27. I had just found out he was cheating on my mom. This woman's kids were much younger and he was treating them as his own. When I found out I told him he was selfish and I didn't speak to him for the last month of his life. Now I miss him every day. His phone call and plea for help that I ignored haunts me and my guilt only seems to weigh me down more as time goes on. I hope that more people realize that as suffocating and difficult as life gets, you're not alone and we all need each other. I don't care what mistakes my dad made I still loved him. I'm so so sorry he didn't know that.

• by Emily, England
• 10 years ago

This poem is beautiful and puts my emotions into words. I lost my father when I was 13 on the 21st of December 2010, I was with him only the night before. He was crying in my arms the strongest man I knew was a mess. It was so clear he was suicidal his girlfriend of 7 years suddenly left him with no reason as to why and just completely ignored him. She took the kids and left him, alone. I can't go into any more depth as the tears are blurring my vision. Since then I've been battling with an abusive mother, foster care, suicidal thoughts and deep depression. No one is listening to me, someone please listen.

• by Tina, USA
• 10 years ago

I know how you feel, I was crying as I read your letter my dad also committed suicide when I was 23. Everyday I blame myself because he had depression and he was reaching out but I was too tired of his depression that I ignored him but I didn't think he would ever commit suicide. He was the best dad ever I wish I helped him, I hate myself but I love you dad and I'm sorry.

• by Tasha, Oklahoma
• 11 years ago

This made me cry! I feel your pain. I was 21 when my dad killed himself. I have an older sister a younger brother and 3 younger sisters and he also had 2 step daughters that I thought of as sisters. We all had a hard time with his death all the signs were there just didn't pick up on them till he was gone. I had just got married and my son was 8 months old this was the hardest part for me cause I knew that my son would never remember him I still have a lot of anger towards him cause he left all these kids and a new grand baby. I am now 24 and it still is hard I now have a lil girl that will never get the chance to meet him and it hurts.

• by Sadie, Michigan
• 11 years ago

As I read through all these stories under this remarkable poem I felt a sense of comfort because I never realized there were more fathers out there, other than my own that didn't realize the value of life. Today marks the fifth year my dad has been gone, I still wish my phone would ring and he'd say hey Sades, I was 19 when he shot himself, left a note for a woman I didn't even know :,( No note for me, no note for my sister. Alcohol and drugs make people do horrible things. If your considering taking your own life please don't, ask for help, taking your life is not the answer. Think about your kids if you have them, what about when they have kids, or your daughter wants her daddy to walk her down the aisle, think about who is going to have to plan your funeral, visit your tomb stone, think about who will have to make the decisions for what to do with your belongings, think about every one of these stories and ask yourself if you really want to leave the people you love with this much hurt, and guilt. Please ask for help. Somebody loves you, and somebody will care you just have to try. I have all of you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

• by Rebecca, Warrington UK
• 11 years ago

This poem says everything I wish I could of said to my Dad. My Dad took his own life 7 years ago a few months before my 13th birthday. I found him hanging from our loft and his last words to me were that he promised he wouldn't leave me.

• by Lisa, Merrimac MA
• 11 years ago

Thank you that poem meant the world to me my husband committed suicide a year ago in December I found him and my disabled daughter was down stairs. It broke my heart and I will never get over it. I love him and miss him more than life.

• by Tommy, Minnesota
• 11 years ago

I read these all and cried, Cause I'm not the only one going through this pain. My Dad committed suicide. Sept 4th, 2012. My dad was the happiest guy in the world, we were so close. I just moved away for college we talked on the phone almost every night. My dad taught me everything I know, he was me life. He loved me and my sisters dear. But one day at work my sister came in and told me with a tear soaked face "my dad hung himself." No one in my whole family knew why, I was the closest one in the world to him and I have no idea. Besides the sleeping pills he was taking. I'm not sure what it was I just hope he was not lonely he had no one at home with him he was alone after I left to school. I still have this small guilt in my head that it was my fault. I'm 18 and lost my teacher, my role model my world, my dad. I miss him everyday.

• by Sarah, North Dakota
• 11 years ago

My dad committed suicide when I was 15 as well. I was the only child, and he left behind a wife, my mom, as well. When I read this it literally sent chills down my spine, because the similarities between what I read and what I really went through are amazing. I am now 25, and it has been 10 years since his passing. I can't tell people it gets easier with time, because each day is different. But, there is never a day that goes by that I do not think about him. I love him, and he continues to be my best friend and hero. You will be in my thoughts, and thank you for sharing this.

• by Chris, NJ
• 11 years ago

It saddens me to read your poem because I know firsthand what it's like losing a father to suicide at a young age. I was 11 when my dad shot himself and I found his body. My mom died from a drug overdose a few years later. For years I kept going over in my mind what I could have done differently. How I could have been a better son and saved my parents. How I should have done more to prevent these tragedies. It took me time to realize that it's not a child's place to save his or her parents. Parents are supposed to take care of their children, not the other way around. I have a lifetime of pain to try to heal and it's hard as hell. What my dad did lurks in my mind and rears its ugly head from time to time. I've felt the gamut of emotions and now after over two decades am stuck at anger. How could he leave his family? I'm so sorry to read and hear of others' pain but it's comforting to know I'm not alone. Please don't focus on the could of's and should of's.

• by Catrina
• 11 years ago

I know the same pain. My daddy died when I was 14 I'm now 15. He died 12-15-11 a week before Christmas.. that day him and I got in a huge fight. I told him I hated him and left. I came back a few hours later to tell him I loved him and I'm sorry... I was too late :'( when we got in that fight his heart was beating so fast. He died of a massive heart attack and it's all my fault. I regret everyday I don't have my daddy here with me. If only I could say sorry and I loved him for one last goodbye. I miss him so much. I cry everyday. A lot of people bully me because I'm a "big baby" but they don't understand my hurt. Walking in the house and seeing him lay on the floor dead in front of me. The cops had to pull me away and take me outta the house. I didn't wanna leave his side. I go and visit him when I get a chance. I bought a lot of things for him and put on his grave. I wrote him a letter and it's still there. If people only understood :'( I'm sorry about your dad.
R.I.P Daddy
12-15-1

• by Jac, Ohio
• 11 years ago

Thank you for this. My dad took his life in 2005. I was 19 and home from college. I think I do a very good job about carrying on with life with as little baggage from it as possible but it resurfaces in the most terrible ways. I'm engaged to be married and having a very hard time all over again with dealing with my anger and sadness. It's begun to affect my relationship with my fiance. The toughest thing about being a survivor is when your brain and your heart conflict.

• by Kelsey, Washington
• 11 years ago

This poem really hit me.
My dad committed suicide when I was 14, I was alone with him at my house while he did it...my mom was in Oregon.
I just think about how I could of stopped him, there were visible signs, and I thought to myself before he did this "what if he was planning to shoot himself" He was cleaning out his gun...I should've known. He kept saying " I love you", he never did. I feel guilty but I have to keep strong for my family...since I'm the only one able to keep strong the whole time.
This fall, I'll be going off to college...to the college he dreamed of me going to...he's supposed to be the one taking me, we had plans.

I miss him.

• by Prudance, Japan
• 11 years ago

My cousin recently killed himself. We were estranged for quite a while, then we were brought back together for the last 6 months or so of his life. We weren't extremely close, but we weren't strangers. The last time I spoke to him, we had a fight and I said some stuff I really regret.
Please help, I don't know what to do and I feel extremely guilty.

• by Lisa Miktuk Poet
• 12 years ago

To all those who left comments thanking me;

It is so nice to know that others do feel the same about losing a family member to suicide. It is devastating. The ones who leave us in that way don't realize that we are the ones left behind dealing with the pain that they felt. It IS okay to feel all different kinds of emotions, that comes with all deaths, especially suicide. To all those suffering from the horrible loss, my heart and deepest sympathies go out to you. I will be writing more. It's been 5 years since my dad died and I still fight with the pain each day. Just remember to keep on keeping on and always know that our loved ones lost are watching over us, in some way shape or form.

• by Monica, Ohio
• 12 years ago

I just want to say to Gb California that people care about you--including me, and I haven't even met you!--and that there is so much in your future to live for. I know how painful life can be. I lost my Dad to suicide four months ago and I am hurting and missing him so much, and I wish I would have known how much pain he was in so I could have done something more to help him. Things might be tough for you right now, but there is hope for the future. As you can see from all of these posts, ending your life will cause those who love you more pain than you can possibly imagine. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please find help--the national suicide prevention number is 1-800-273-8255--and hold on--it will get better. I am praying for you.

• by Gb California
• 12 years ago

I've read these stories and I cry but know soon I will take my life as well. I lost everything and miss my fiancé and daughter so much. I can't live with the pain any more. I'm homeless and alone.

• by Peta Qld
• 12 years ago

I read your poem darling and it was very touching I lost my husband last year to suicide he hung himself as well and I found him not very nice we have 2 little girls who miss their daddy like crazy and they only know he went to heaven they don't know how as they are to little aged 6 and 8. I really don't know if I have the strength to do this all by myself. It is so hard I tell the girls every day that daddy loves them and is watching them from heaven but they just want him to come home as I wish he would too, but in my dreams he is with us always. Thanks darling for sharing your thoughts it was a lovely poem.

• by Hanaa, Casablanca
• 12 years ago

I would thank you for that poem. It relates my story since dad killed himself 10 months ago.
Thank you for sharing this pain and letting me know that I am not the only person who has lived that tragedy.
I'm still hurt and will be for the rest of my life. Love you Dad, RIP

• by Tracey
• 12 years ago

I wanted to say how much this poem/letter to your father helped me. I am fifteen and my dad died two months ago by suicide. Everything you wrote, were the feelings I couldn't put into words. You helped me know that what I'm feeling isn't wrong, and it helped me to be able to relate to someone. Thank you.

• by Nadia, Jamaica
• 12 years ago

I have entertained thoughts of suicide, and other members of my family have thought of it too. The latest person is my dad. He alluded to it on several occasions and I got really angry. I believe he is trying to find the easy way out and leave us to deal with the consequences of his actions. He lied and cheated on my mother, he didn't provide for us and he expects that everything should be ok. He expects us to love him and accept his behaviors as the norm.

I love him and I don't want him to give up on life, but I am so tired of him threatening us with suicide that I get angry and get out on him.

• by Rhiaana
• 12 years ago

I know how you all feel too, I lost my cousin awhile back but our family was just too blind to actually see his pain, to see him suffering. He was popular, had everything a kid would ever want. He hung himself and I remember how empty I felt. I saw him in the casket, all cold and pale. It's the last memory I have of him. He was like a brother to me, my hero, he seemed so perfectly happy. He always told me to keep my head up high and never let anyone talk me down. I never felt so much pain in my life, I thought I was going to go crazy but then I realized how many people were effected by what he done, not just him.

• by Jessylee Carey
• 12 years ago

I am so glad that I read this poem when I did for me and my dad barely talk we are not really getting along right now so I guess
I should make things right before it is too late. I don't know how you could cope without your dad because I would die with out mine
How are you feeling though I can feel the pain you are feeling I'm sorry;(

• by Kristin Nelson, Cleveland
• 12 years ago

Hi, to all of the readers. My name is Kristin Nelson I live in Cleveland, Ohio. I know exactly how everyone feels. My older brother committed suicide 3 years ago. He was 21 and I was 19. We were very close. He had depression, bipolar. don't know why he did it. I know we didn't have the best childhood, but we stuck together. Both of our parents has issues. He always said that god put us in a crazy family but together we can be sane. So when he left me I felt that I was left with this crazy family alone. I just got to a point where I am not mad at him. I understand that he couldn't go on in this insanity and that maybe I was stronger than him, To my dear brother Kenneth Avery I love you more than life itself. I forgive you, for your decision and I will always go to support groups to celebrate your life. You will always have a place in my heart. Love You. To the readers I hope this helps you to cope.

• by Kristen
• 12 years ago

I know how you feel. I was 14 years old when my father committed suicide. My mom told him she wanted a divorce and he didn't want her to leave him. He didn't want to lose the house that we live in and he didn't want to just see us every other week. I remember him telling me one night "I know I'm no going to live much longer. I can feel it." The next week I walked into the bedroom and found him hanging from the ceiling. I feel like I could have stopped it all from happening. He basically told me straight up his life was going to end soon. Its my fault he died and I regret my last words to him. The last words I said to him were "I hate you, why don't you just leave so it would be easier?" He wouldn't leave the house and so my mom was forced to leave. The saying "You never know what you have until it's gone" is definitely true. I will never forgive myself.

• by Jess, NC
• 13 years ago

I feel your pain, my father committed suicide in his car on December 25, 1996 (yes Christmas day). I was only three at the time, but as you may know living your life without your father makes you a totally different person and it affects your life in more ways than 1. I am getting ready to graduate this year and was supposed to get married this summer. It's every girl's dream to have her father walk her down the aisle and we will never have that chance. people do not understand unless they are living in our shoes. I hear people all the time say "I wish my father was dead" and I can't help but to find myself get upset and tell them stranger or not that they do not wish that, and they have no idea the pain behind those words!! I hope things begin to look up for you. my daddy has been gone for 14 years 3 months and 1 week as of today! I miss him and love him so very much♥

• by Michelle, Ellington
• 13 years ago

Your poem touched my heart too. My dad also committed suicide last year, March 10, 2010. Although I was 44 when this happened, I still miss him and have so many questions. I know that my dad was a strong man. He had just been strong for too long and could no longer take the depression. I want to thank you for posting your poem. My heart goes out to your family, because I know the hurt. God bless you and your family!

• by Madison, Springfield
• 13 years ago

Oh my goodness.. That's exactly how I felt. My daddy committed suicide on March 8, 2010. I was 14. Me and my dad didn't have the greatest relationship ever.. He had abused me & my brothers multiple times and at times I felt like he hated me, but we did have some good times. He gave me the best advice and I knew he was always there for me. He helped me with everything. I wish I could tell him I love him one last time and give him the biggest hug. He was a great man, but confused. I just wish he had seen that leaving us like this wouldn't help anything.. just make it worse. I feel for you girl.

• by Melissa, Louisville
• 13 years ago

Wow I am totally blown away. I have always felt so alone in this situation. My mother shot herself when I was 20. I was in college and came home from school and found her. My sister and I struggle with this everyday. I now know she was sick and sad. I love and miss her very much. I live with guilt every second of everyday, always tell the ones you love I love you. My life was flipped up side down in a second. Good luck and my heart goes out to all who are suicide survivors.

• by Amber Garrett/West Virginia
• 13 years ago

I really connected with your poem. My father killed himself when I was 19 years old. The day that my daughter turned two weeks old. He got to hold her one time. I will never understand why he did it. It just doesn't seem real to me still to this day.

• by Amy
• 13 years ago

I loved your Poem. I also can relate. Not sure I'll ever understand it but I know how it feels. Both of my Parents did the same. My Father hung-himself in our garage in 1999. My Mother then hung herself in my grandmothers garage in 2008. I was 21 when dad died and was 28 when my mom died. I'm 31 now and still miss them with everyday that passes but I know that they don't hurt anymore and that I couldn't stopped them from doing it. Try to forgive them as hard as that may be. It helps your heart.

• by Leslie, TN
• 13 years ago

You have a lot of questions and I understand them all. My mother did this when I was 23. I'm now 36 and in my own pain. Yes your father thought and loved you and your mother. I go through cycles of sadness, anger, o.k. for a minute, I assume you do too. They know we love and miss them, I'm sure they miss us too.

• by Jamie- Clackamas, OR
• 14 years ago

I loved your poem...
My dad killed himself when I was 18,
I hadn't talked to him for a year...
we were in an argument...
For the rest of my life I will regret that year...
I too never realized how lucky I was to have him... I realize it now...