Abuse Poem

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I'm Amanda, and I was abused by my cousin aged 6/8. The fear and pain I endured have had a massive impact on my adult life: no confidence, a people pleaser, suffering depression,...

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Better Person Now

©

Published: November 2008

I listen as the doorknob turns
Sick feelings as my stomach churns
Try to pretend that I am asleep
Hoping his needs, he will have to keep

But slowly I feel him touching me
Wanting to hide and be set free
Not wanting to feel this pain inside
Searching my head for a place to hide

Trying to make out I'm unaware
As if by showing I don't care
To me this is my normal life
Would end it tomorrow if I had a knife

But gutless as I am, I continue to pretend
Hoping this situation will come to an end
Knowing in my heart it is so wrong
So conditioned to these acts, I can't be strong

Don't want my family torn apart
In a children's home with a new start
This abuser of mine, so clever is he
Makes me think that it is all me

He is the one who should be made to pay
And take him to court and have my say
The fact that it happened years ago
Have only my word and nothing to show

Though it went on for many years
And I am left with so many fears
I am a better person than he
My life is now what I want it to be

Slowly my fears are beginning to fade
New memories in life that I have made
Childhood memories I had forgotten
Made my mind just feel so rotten

But love has truly conquered all
By angels given to me so small
My children are a blessed disguise
And made me true and very wise

You cannot dwell upon the past
Or bad memories will continue to last
I see now, what a childhood was
No bitter regrets and wishing what was

My angels are what life's about
My heart now alive and beginning to shout
Ready to learn to trust again
Without the constant fear of pain

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  • Amanda Davidson by Amanda Davidson, UK
  • 4 years ago

I'm Amanda, and I was abused by my cousin aged 6/8. The fear and pain I endured have had a massive impact on my adult life: no confidence, a people pleaser, suffering depression, self-loathing. Now 40 years on, I'm crippled with chronic illness, which I blame on my childhood trauma. I've been having counselling and therapy through my local mental health services and slowly I'm getting stronger. I'm loving myself for once in my life. My mum knew about it years ago and did nothing. I'm angry at her. He abused my baby brother, his own sister, who is in denial and allows that monster in her home. I'm so close to naming him. I don't care if I lose family as they have done nothing, no apology, no nothing, I'm stronger now than ever and battling on. I'd love to inspire others who have been or are going through the same. I now see myself as a survivor, not a victim. It's taken 40 year, but I'm finally free.

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