When My Life Began

I don't understand why you chose him over me
I was there, or could you just not see.
I would have done everything right,
But instead you chose him, and to stay and fight.
I may have been little, but I will always remember the tears.
I haven't forgotten it, not even after all these years.
In and out of homes, what kind of kid's life is this?
What more could I expect; it's only going to get worse.
I was born a mistake, so I guess I'm forever living in a curse.
Bottled up inside are the words I've never said,
The feelings that I hide.
You can see it in my face,
you can see it in my eyes,
But in my silence it will forever lie.
My daddy was meant to love me.
My daddy was meant to be there,
But he was the one that was my biggest fear.
He bought nothing to me but all my tears.
Everytime I try and forget you, I can't get you out of my mind.
It's weird 'cause you're not one of a kind.
I hate to think that others went through what I did
After all I was only a kid.
It's a new home, one after another,
Will it ever get better I just want back my real mother.
Kids used to say I was that special one.
No one understands, I hate it when they say they do.
They don't know what it's like or go through what I've been through.
I keep it all inside and start to harm myself
Not knowing what to think
My life I lose before me in less than a blink.
I remember my dad drinking.
I remember my mom and dad fighting.
I remember the harsh abuse.
I remember them telling me I was nothing.
I remember my dad's late night parties.
I remember them smoking weed.
I remember getting nothing to eat.
I remember the kicks, the punches, the hitting, and the bruises.
I remember social services rescuing me.
I remember all the foster homes, and how they affected me.
I guess all of it has made me and that's all I'll ever be.
BUT
Would you notice,
Would you care,
Would you even dare to stare,
To look me in the eye,
And tell me,
I should just die?
That's the truth,
I'm better off dead.
My whole life has been a lie,
And in the end all I want to do is die, die, die.
I wonder if my mums alive?
Or if my dad's out of jail?
If he's ever even gonna make it out on bail?
I have so many questions I'm just never going to get answered
Why even hope or try to smile?
It feels like I'm so far from home, just way too many miles.
Looking all depressed is what I do best,
But trying to survive is definitely a big test.
Living in my world is definitely not fun.
I guess I'm that *lucky* child, that very *special* one.