Humorous Poems - Page 3

The bulls of Bickerton Lane do graze
Upon my verdant lawn.
I hear them in the morning haze
Mooing to the dawn.

They trample all my flowered shrubs;
They crush the dainty rose.
And then they pee this giant stream
As from a garden hose.

And what's this sticking to my shoe?
'Tis this I truly hate,
For it's the stinking residue
Of what the beasties ate.

So then I say, let's have some fun.
We'll let them eat the grass.
Whilst with my trusty BB gun,
I shoot them in the ass!

Mary had a little lamb
And a baked potato.
Mary had a salad too,
Of lettuce and tomato.

Mary asked for wine to drink,
So Daddy poured her some.
But Mommy said, "If you drink that,
I'll whip your little bum!"

So Mary chose dessert instead;
She had a choice to make:
Should I have a slice of pie,
Or a piece of cake?

But Mary couldn't quite decide,
So she took a bite of each.
It seemed the pie was rancid plum,
And the cake was rotted peach.

She gagged and spat the gross stuff out,
And hurled on the floor.
'twas then her mother grabbed her hair
And threw her out the door.

I marvel my pencil.
My special, long, wooden utensil.
I just can't keep my hands from it.
I got him from a friend, and we've been inseparable since.
I admit, I forgot to give him back.
However regrets, I do lack.
He scribbles my words, when I can't find what to say.
He makes my thoughts audible, and in a neat and clear way.
If I make any mistakes, he's always got my back.
On the end of his long orange body, there's a pink square that's always keeping me on track.
Though he's marked with the number 2, He'll always be number 1 in my book.
I will never over-accessorize him or cause any damage to his look.
Pens, markers, crayons: they just don't cut it for me.
My perfectly sharpened buddy, is all that I need!

On New Year's Day my cat ran away
For Valentine's Day, no girls mould be mine
On St. Patty's day I got pinched by some laddys
On Easter I lost all my eggs to an old geezer
Om mother's day I went to see my father play
On father's day I went to see my mother Fay
For the fourth of July, I shot some poor guy
On Labor Day, I lost my job by midday
For Halloween, my costume got switched, so I was a queen
On Thanksgiving. My fire alarm started to ring
For Christmas I got syphilis
Next year I am staying home for the holidays

Back in October a Christmas wish I made.
A brand new set of golf clubs before next year I played.
Then on Christmas morn, with my eyes I spied
An oblong box under the tree, with ribbon wrapped and tied.

I looked out the window and saw the ice and snow.
But in my heart I knew, a golfing I would go.
Now I'd need some special gear to play in these conditions.
So I loaded up my golf bag to start a new tradition.

A broom to sweep the greens and a hammer for the tees
And different colored balls for white I wouldn't see.
Arriving at the course, the ground was glistening white.
I wouldn't have to wait, a tee time was no plight.

I swept away a pile of snow and pounded in a tee.
Placed a colored ball atop it and swung away with glee.
My ball went soaring down the fairway and landed with a flop
Into a two foot snow drift (unplayable), take a drop.

My next shot went into the sand, a shot to truly dread.
Then all at once I spotted him, a man all dressed in red.
As I'm lining up my shot, it's Santa Claus I think,
When my ball flew in the hole, He looked at me and winked.

I knew these clubs were going to work, I'd just made a par.
Let's play one hole together before heading for your car.
To believe in Santa at sixteen, you might think it queer,
But it isn't very often you get to see reindeer.

A long par par three lay next, as we walked upon the tee.
There was no flag to aim for and the green I couldn't see
Don't worry said the man in red, I know what lies ahead.
Use your trusty five iron and aim it for my sled.

I'd like to thank you for these clubs, I wasn't sure that I would get.
He said your welcome son, but Christmas isn't over yet
I kept my head nice and still checked my stance and grip.
"Nice shot" said the bearded one, it's hanging on the lip.

It seems a shame, he must be blind, there's no ball upon the green
And I was disappointed because I stuck it crisp and clean
And now you know my story and know one would believe.
How I made my first hole in one with Santa there to see.

She stood there by the ocean,
The breeze gently lifted her hair.
Of that seagull just above her,
She was totally unaware.

Seemingly floating in the sky,
The seagull's wings were still.
I think it paused to take good aim,
And drop a mess at will.

Too late she looked above her head,
Where the seagull hovered now.
Then as I watched in horror,
Bird droppings hit her brow.

Her scream pierced the balmy air.
Splat! The stuff hit her face.
Then she saw my camera and me,
And stomped off in disgrace.

Stepping into the boardroom meeting,
Stepped out of character too.
Put a red slipper on one foot,
On the other, a bright blue shoe.

Stress at work was at a peak.
I could hardly contain my grin,
At the shock on each and every face
The moment their boss walked in.

Eyes moved slowly from my feet
To capture my innocent stare.
Each one of them convinced I think,
I was totally unaware.

Unable to contain myself.
My laughter bubbled free.
At my release, they followed suit
Relief conjoined with glee.

Our memorable meeting followed with
Coffee and doughnuts for the staff.
Office policy now includes
Time every day to laugh!