Humorous Poems - Page 3

Buster, Sparkle, Newbie, Speedy
and then there's Pixie our smallest kitty,
One, two, three and four and five,
they're so frisky, so alive.

Sparkle is my number one,
14 years old and so much fun.
Purrs and snuggles on my shoulder,
she's getting slow and somewhat older.
She meows for water from the sink,
I turn it on, for her to drink.

Speedy is my number two,
proud and handsome, I tell you!
He prances like a little pony,
and you know what? That's no baloney.
He guards the others from above,
and sometimes gives a little shove.

Newbie is my number three,
chubby, plump as one can be.
Always cleaning, always licking,
he tries to run but his paws keep sticking.
He keeps on searching for a hand,
to scratch under his collar band.

Buster is my number four,
always eating, more and more.
Loves to snack on lots of munchies,
Tender Vittles and some crunchies.
Begging, pleading, day and nights.
"Give me crunchies, or I'll bite!"

Pixie is my number five,
She jumps, rolls over, takes a dive.
Up my back, onto my shoulder,
hoping I would grab and hold her.
Then she jumps to catch a fly,
She's four months old, my sweetie pie.

Buster, Sparkle, Newbie, Speedy,
and there's Pixie our smallest kitty.
Five, four, three and two and one,
I love my kitty cats, they're so much fun.

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was sleeping -- not pet, child or spouse.
The people were tossing and turning in beds
With visions of bills dancing 'round in their heads.
Their wood chairs were stacked in the fireplace by three's
If it burns through the night then the family won't freeze.

Then out on the street they heard glass start to shatter
They jumped up in fright with their teeth all a-chatter
They peeked out their windows and under the stars,
saw a red-suited fat man repossessing their cars.
He tied each to his sled and affixed them with chains
Then plopped in his seat and snapped with his reins:

"On Beemer, on Caddie, on Lexus, and Ford,
On Volvo, on Prius, on Honda Accord."

Then off he did fly like a lumbering float
But not before he had texted this note:

"Beware dear America, for you've not seen the light
You still think 'the good life' is your natural birth right.
Thanks to Internet access, this world's grown quite small
The Windows are open where once there were walls.
The Earth may look round, but it's flattening fast
And those now in first place may soon be in last.

Study science and math -- learn a skill that is new,
If you don't, your job prospects are sure to be few.
Your Santa's been outsourced -- I'm a Bangalore Gnome
Your bank has just emailed -- they've foreclosed on your home
And not long ago your boss faxed to say
You've just lost your job and your 401-K"

Then off in the distance we heard him opine:
"There are millions in Asia now standing in line!
Merry Christmas to all and to all lots o' luck
Take heed of my words or you'll surely be *^#*ed".

I was at home watching TV
flicking the channels what could I see
lady gaga got an award and as she got out of her seat
I was amazed she was wearing a dress made of meat
I thought if it's good for gaga it's good for me
I was down the butchers by half past three
stood at the counter clothes round my feet
I said have you something to fit me that's stylish and neat
he held up a chipolata cheeky sod
hey this is what I was gifted from god
well I got pork chops for pants and rump for a hat
turkey trousers and a sausage cravat
when he was finished I minced down the street
walking on kidneys made for my feet
but soon in the heat I started to foam
then I walked passed the stray dog home
well there was chaos I tried to run
as German Sheppard pulled the steak from my bum
a sausage dog grabbed my sausage a basset my chops
it was such chaos I emptied the shops
so my friends if a meat dress your tempted to make
take it from me it's a big big mis- steak.

I was heading south to the city's biggest shopping center
To get a steak and other things that I could eat for dinner.
Then I noticed, luckily, I was nearly out of gas.
So, I headed for the Stall-Mart store out near the overpass.
Just as I pulled up, the engine somehow died.
I couldn't get it started, no matter how I tried.
At that moment I noticed an old man walking with a cane.
He cringed each time he stepped as if he were in pain.
With a toothless smile, he asked me, "Fella, what's the problem?"
I told him that my car just died and problems, man, I got 'em.
He said, "Give me a few minutes to find out why it's dead."
He opened the hood and in just thirty seconds he turned to me and said,
"Hmmmmmm......Well........
You have a blasticated unicellular caustic tad malfunction.
The generator pottsigraft has lost most of its suction.
You have tubular antispiral mispopulated slippage.
And the plastic-nozzeled harpsitube needs a brand new tippage.
The lesser of all your problems that I find you got
Is that the double crypted intake valve really squeaks a lot.
And my professional assessment that I've done thus far,
Tells me that this heap is crap and you need another car.
I can sell you a slightly used cream-puff if you want to take her.
It's a 19 and 43 fully loaded Studebaker.
It runs real good and looks real sharp and has only a few small dents.
I'll let you have it for 600 dollars and 37 cents,
Plus my complete diagnostic examination that I've done today.
So can we make a gentleman's deal? What do you have to say?"
Hmmmm....
As I was walking home I noticed a shiny bicycle for sale...

Green is so important
Because we see it all around
It's up very high on the trees
And on the grass that is on the ground

Green is the colour of
The plants that grow in the south
It's also the colour of a Brussels sprout
That I refuse to put in my mouth

Green is on the traffic light
When the cars can go
All the green disappears
When it starts to snow

The most important thing about the colour green
Is because of my mother
NO she is not green
It's her favourite colour

I can not write a poem; my brain feels fried.
It can do no more.
It is as though all my creativity has been trapped, isolated in a room without a door.

I fell no inspiration, no ideas are coming to mind.
And as I hold this pen in my hands I can form no words on the lines.

When I think I'm finally on to something it quickly leaves my brain.
Leaving me frustrated and thinking this is all in vain.

So I'm sorry if you wanted to hear a poem that surprised or shocked
but I just can't give you one, for I have WRITER'S BLOCK!

As I walked along the road one day
Kicking up stones along the way,
I saw a bird of unusual size
Who had a large beak and small, beady eyes.

He strutted about and ruffled his wings
Then he did the most ominous thing.
He let out a screech and puffed out his chest
I wanted to run from this evil pest.

As this bird's mighty exterior did appear
The inside of my chest was filled with fear.
He put one talon forward, the other one next
This troublesome bird was making me vexed.

I then did something that was a great chance.
I kicked a stone at him to stop his advance.
He then chased the stone, oh joy of great joys!
I felt myself one of the luckiest boys!

Around the corner I ran, straight to my home,
Leaving that bird confused and alone.
Don't befriend a turkey (for that's what he was)
Or he will attack you simply because.

A chimp named Bob had a fancy
For a banana tree
That lived in the jungle nearby
His love was plain to see.

Now, Bob was not the smartest chimp
To ever walk the Earth-
In fact, at two he learned to hate
And then rejoiced with mirth.

He walked to this tree every day
And picked her sweet, sweet fruit,
And when she dropped one on his head
He thought it was a hoot!

One day, so overcome with love
As he got out of bed
He said, "You're just as sweet as cake-
I'm thinking we should wed."

So on a sticky jungle day,
The two of them eloped
The turnout came to more than three-
Much better than he'd hoped.

But then around some humans came
And with some noticed strife
Walked through the forest, backs upright
And chopped down Bob's new wife.
Now Bob, oh Bob, he seemed upset
But only for awhile,
For by the next day, he forgot
And loved a crocodile.

So he was not the smartest chimp
To ever walk the land,
But, save for that banana tree,
He thought his life was grand.