Humorous Poems - Page 3

There is a Monster
Lurking inside our House
Causing a Disaster
Eating all our Cookies
Who we don't know
May be a Prankster
Catch it we must
Before all is Lost

At Night it Comes
Cookies it Ravishes
Not one he Leaves
Not a Crumb Remains

Cookies are Disappearing Fast
Laid a Trap we have
Catch it we Must
How we don't know
But catch him we Must

Caught in the Act
Caught Red Handed
Cookie in Hand
Munching with Pleasure
Thought she was Clever
Trapped by our Endeavor

Solomon and Guilty
Smiling and Red Faced
Cookie Monster, My Daughter
Never did we Falter
In our Quest
Erased and Disgraced
Cookie Monster Disaster.

By Shilpa

Unsubscribe me from your mailing list.
You must think I'm a sap.
I don't even know you,
And I'd never buy your crap.

Unsubscribe me, friend, from e-mails
that want to threaten me
If I don't send them to ten others...
Let it be the death of me

Unsubscribe me please from Facebook.
I find that I don't care,
About the boring conversations
That I'm always finding there.

Unsubscribe me, too, from Twitter.
What a waste of time.
If I put a value on that site
It would be less than a dime.

My mailbox is so cluttered
I beg you on my knees,
Unsubscribe me, unsubscribe me.
Unsubscribe me, PLEEEEZE!

Pigheaded Pete was an obstinate fool,
who argued no matter the topic,
shredding opinions with outrageous drool,
and anger that bordered psychotic.

While most folks ignored him or called him a jerk,
and shrugged off his need to be right,
on one night Pete drove Bill O'Reilly berserk,
who challenged our Pete to a fight.

Now Bill was a boxer when he was much younger,
and knew how to throw a good punch.
Outside where he dragged the poor twit with his anger,
young Peter's incisors went crunch.

Bill got real nervous when Pete called the coppers,
and shortly a lawsuit ensued.
He had no money to buy Pete new choppers,
and so Judge Alfredo was shrewd.

Judge sentenced the boxer to ten months of labor
inside Peter's house day and night.
And Bill had to listen to rubbish and blather,
to pigheaded Pete's great delight.

My dear wife studies Calculus.
She says it's fun; I think she's nuts.
She's solving x and y and z.
I struggle with just 1, 2, 3.
She's got these weird and strange equations,
Mathematical madness machinations,
Exponents and integers.
Not many brains are wired like hers.
She can do it, get solutions.
For me, page one is mass confusion.
Words are my thing, heaven knows,
And I can fling some witty prose.
I rhyme without the slightest reason.
Poems penned for every season,
But give me numbers? Oh, I'm lost!
My brain becomes a salad tossed!
So I'll just stick to poetry
And not advance past 1, 2, 3.
While Sweetie does her sums and graphs
And antiderivatives...just for laughs.

It seemed like a good idea at the time,
But looking back now, I cringe just a little.
I was so hungry and it WAS once mine,
The week old milk and peanut butter brittle.

It wasn't just the smell,
No it was something much worse,
Yet I had nothing to rid me of this unquenchable thirst

The crust was thick and the color was off,
The smell was foul and made me cough.
Not before long the stench filled the air,
What's that?
Oh goodness, do I see a hair?

Now wait just a minute, this isn't fair,
Oh please, I'm so hungry, what else is there?
I looked in the pantry and I looked in fridge,
I'll go to the store sooner or later.

The most horrible snack,
When nothing to eat,
I admit it, I did it,
I ate the gross treat.

Stepping into the boardroom meeting,
Stepped out of character too.
Put a red slipper on one foot,
On the other, a bright blue shoe.

Stress at work was at a peak.
I could hardly contain my grin,
At the shock on each and every face
The moment their boss walked in.

Eyes moved slowly from my feet
To capture my innocent stare.
Each one of them convinced I think,
I was totally unaware.

Unable to contain myself.
My laughter bubbled free.
At my release, they followed suit
Relief conjoined with glee.

Our memorable meeting followed with
Coffee and doughnuts for the staff.
Office policy now includes
Time every day to laugh!

I marvel my pencil.
My special, long, wooden utensil.
I just can't keep my hands from it.
I got him from a friend, and we've been inseparable since.
I admit, I forgot to give him back.
However regrets, I do lack.
He scribbles my words, when I can't find what to say.
He makes my thoughts audible, and in a neat and clear way.
If I make any mistakes, he's always got my back.
On the end of his long orange body, there's a pink square that's always keeping me on track.
Though he's marked with the number 2, He'll always be number 1 in my book.
I will never over-accessorize him or cause any damage to his look.
Pens, markers, crayons: they just don't cut it for me.
My perfectly sharpened buddy, is all that I need!

A voyage abroad with my good wife Maude turned into a real mess
In need of some rest in Budapest, about all I got was stress
Then in France I took a chance on some pork a little too rare
I so regret that Monsieur's toilette was very crowded there

We never found out if the rain in Spain falls mainly in the plains
Because in Barcelona and again in Pamplona, I had severe head pains
Many a folk strolled through churches baroque, the greatest in the area
Only I felt blue stretched out on a pew, certain I had malaria

Europe had been tough, really rough, things had gotten out of hand
So we gathered our stuff and left in a huff to visit the holy land
Then I tripped on a boulder and bruised my shoulder; alas, we had to leave
'Cause wearing a sling in the early spring is awkward in Tel Aviv

Maude was irked that nothing had worked; still she said with a smile
"Let's conform and go someplace warm, maybe a tropical isle"
But a ruptured achilles in the Antilles I accomplished with astonishing ease
It laid me low, don't you know, as an intestinal disease in Belize

Clearly time to abort so we cut our trip short and headed to Colorado
To see the Canyon with mules for companions and demonstrate our bravado
No need for applause or an ovation because of anything we did dramatic
Just find me a shrink who doesn't drink and treats problems psychosomatic

On New Year's Day my cat ran away
For Valentine's Day, no girls mould be mine
On St. Patty's day I got pinched by some laddys
On Easter I lost all my eggs to an old geezer
Om mother's day I went to see my father play
On father's day I went to see my mother Fay
For the fourth of July, I shot some poor guy
On Labor Day, I lost my job by midday
For Halloween, my costume got switched, so I was a queen
On Thanksgiving. My fire alarm started to ring
For Christmas I got syphilis
Next year I am staying home for the holidays

The typical skittish behaviour when my body begins t' bustle,
All in the fact that I've fallen in love with the one and only Mr. Muscle:
How his passionate vibe shines when cleaning down my decks,
As his toned, articulate body moves, rhythmical with his pecs!

I absolutely idolize his devotedness to cleaning, the pure dedication.
I never knew in a million years I'd fall at the feet of his fictional animation.
Every time he appears on telly, he sends me into an ultimate lust o' dreaming,
Of his hard grafting work of solving solutions; the Master Scientist of cleaning!

Everyone thinks I'm CRAZY when I tell 'em that someday he'll save my fate,
Because he's the heroic figure that loves the jobs that I certainly hate.
You can rely on his problematic fixtures; you can abide by his terms.
You can depend on his assurance when he says he can kill your unwanted toilet germs!

He assassinates the horrid spiders; he know they drive me insane.
He's the superhero with the professional touch of unclogging my dirty drain.
He knows how to confide in a woman's animosity, when the hygiene's repelling HELL.
He knows how to retrieve the optimism with his magical bathroom gel!

So divorce your apathetic husbands, sisters;
Upgrade to a supreme man that can harbour the pressure and contain a vigorous hygiene.
Experience the typical skittish behaviour when my body begins t' bustle,
All in the fact that I've fallen in love with the one and only Mr. Muscle!

The bulls of Bickerton Lane do graze
Upon my verdant lawn.
I hear them in the morning haze
Mooing to the dawn.

They trample all my flowered shrubs;
They crush the dainty rose.
And then they pee this giant stream
As from a garden hose.

And what's this sticking to my shoe?
'Tis this I truly hate,
For it's the stinking residue
Of what the beasties ate.

So then I say, let's have some fun.
We'll let them eat the grass.
Whilst with my trusty BB gun,
I shoot them in the ass!

(sung to the tune of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year") - with apologies to Andy Williams

It's the most fattening time of the year
There'll be pizza and dim sum, oh yes, please, I'll have some
And one more root beer
It's the most fattening time of the year

It's the fat-fatteningest season of all
With those holiday dinners I'm not getting thinner, not even at all
It's the fat-fatteningest season of all

There'll be turkeys for roasting, buffets that I'm coasting
And piling my plate oh so high
'Cause this holiday eating is diet-defeating
So hand me some more of that pie!

It's the most unhealthy time of the year
My cholesterol and BP are both way up on me
But my meds are near!
I can start on that diet next year!

There'll be stuffing and swilling, by me oh so willing
My "fat pants" will be very tight
From the First of November 'till way past December
My blood work will be out of sight!
(Grow, my thighs!)

(The BIG FINISH!)
It's the most fattening time of the year!
There'll be much guilty pleasure, and way too much leisure
While growing my rear!
It's the most fattening time!
What I'm doing to me is a crime!
Oh the most fattening time - of the year!