Joanna

Lost
I feel lost
It has become a routine
At night, in a dark, small room, a scared girl is struggling with her own emotions
Dealing with her own fears
Her own imperfections
She gets up, does what she's told
She exercises until she collapses
Then she proceeds to hit herself as hard as she can as a punishment
The punishment she deserves
For not being good enough
For not exercising enough
For being too damn weak
For being herself
Bruises are never made
And that just makes her feel worse
Because she know she's not strong enough
Because she know she can't even hurt herself when she wants to
Because she has failed once again
Just like always
She tries to sleep, but the flashbacks keep coming
They don't let her sleep
They won't let her sleep
She needs sleep
But once she closes her eyes, it all starts again
Just another way to punish herself
And the worst part?
She knows too damn well she deserves it

Flashbacks run through my mind
My hands find their way to my hair
They grab, pull, scratch
"STOP IT!" I try to scream
The flashbacks keep coming
The razor
The blood
The madness...
"You deserve it"
I know
"I have to remind you, that you are a mess"
I know, I'm sorry
"Smile, do not let them see you broken"
I smile, I know you are right Ana
You control my life
Not only you control what I eat, but what I do, what I feel
"You are worthless"
I feel worthless
"Purge those calories you eat, you do not need more food in that fat body"
I purge, loving and hating the sensation
I try to sleep, but the flashbacks would not let me
Leave me alone!
Please...
"No, you deserve all of this"
I HATE YOU, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
"Never you need me, you want me, you love me"
I do, I know
I go to bed and prepare myself for my same routine for tomorrow

Ice and salt
They're my addiction
Ice and salt
Take away the pain
Ice and salt
Make me smile again

I put the ice
I put the salt
And I feel myself drown
In my own long sorrow

The scars are there
And they won't fade
The burn, the pain, sweet, sweet pain

I'm too lost now to be saved
They tell me I'm crazy
But I'm just numb
Wanting to feel
The pain and the burn

Ice and salt
Oh dear old friend
Ice and salt
Saving me from myself