Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Her smile was visible to all,
Showing a dark secret
From an inescapable memory
Because of the lie she kept telling herself.

Showing a dark secret,
The light was dimming
Because of the lie she kept telling herself.
She tried to push the pain aside.

The light was dimming
From an inescapable memory
She tried to push the pain aside.
Her smile was visible to all.

I thought you were so cool.
Boy, I was wrong.
I feel like such a fool
for trusting you so long.

It seemed so perfect at first,
and our love seemed so true.
My heart felt like it would burst,
and it was like I flew.

But things got bad.
My friends would often say,
"This is very sad,"
as we fought every day.

I don't like what we've become.
I feel like I'm in a daze.
Am I just dumb?
Because maybe all this is just a phase.

Then, one day,
you punched me in the face.
No way I was going to stay!

I'm not going to forget this.
I knew what I had to do.
I ignored your sorry kiss
and said goodbye to you.

I try to rationalize
it all
as you
tear
right through me.

The monster's back tonight.

Fueled by alcohol
and past conversation,
by rage and
imagination,
you've become a beast
I hardly know
yet know too well.

I can't build walls fast enough
for you.

All these years have taught you well.

The assault
begins,
you're armed
with the thoughts
inside your head,
barbed words and
insinuations.

You leave wounds
no one sees
but me.

The monster's back tonight.

I can't build walls fast enough.

I try to rationalize it
all.

They don't know
About struggling through the sleepless nights, anticipating that next big fight,
About envisioning that same depressing sight, then staring at it until daylight.

They don't know
About him leaving with her jewelry, her food, her savings, her every possession,
About him leaving with her peace, her trust, her perception of her own reflection.

They don't know
About the way he degraded her, the beatings he gave her,
About the way he enslaved her, how afraid he had made her.

They don't know
About the narcissistic mind games, how he purposely planned her misery,
About the dehumanizing names, how he stripped her of every liberty.

They don't know
About the evil she had absorbed for so many years,
About those desperate screams that preceded the tears.

They don't know
About the pain and the sorrow, when a heavy heart can feel hollow,
About the confusion that will follow just trying to make it til tomorrow.

They don't know
About the beautiful person trapped inside this petrified shell,
About the brave warrior inside that helped her survive this hell.

They don't know
About being manipulated in your own home with constant lies and trickery,
About the overwhelming possibility they'd treat her much differently if they knew her history.

They don't know
About treating this like it's your last chance to help, because it might be,
About treating this like it's your chance to reverse all the pain this girl had to see.

They don't know
About the smiles she forces daily so the pain won't show,
About the fact no one can ever help if they don't know.

You can cover it with makeup,
foundation caked on,
but you can't cover the hurt;
you can't hide the wrong.

You disguise your eyes
all black and blue,
but, Cover Girl, you can't cover
what that man has done to you.

You can hide a scratch,
you can cover up a mark,
you can pretend he doesn't bite,
you can pretend he doesn't bark.

But some scars can't be made over.
The ones that are already invisible to the eye
are the ones that will remain the longest,
not wanting to say goodbye.

Cover Girl, your work
would put a good makeup artist to shame,
but you work your magic for protection
not fame.

You want to hide the pain you feel
when you see the bite, the bruises, the marks,
but girl that makeup
cannot cover what he's done to your heart.

It's all tattered and torn,
your self worth all gone,
second guessing yourself,
thinking everything you do is wrong.

You monitor your breaths,
you count your steps.
You even count the minutes,
wondering how much time is left

Before your foundation, your concealers,
your blush, and your creams
can no longer hide the punishment
and no longer remove the screams.

Just remember some scars can't be made over.
The ones that are already invisible to the eye
are the ones that will remain the longest,
not wanting to say goodbye.

There was a time he loved her.
Now it's clear there's nothing there.
He walks around so flippantly
With no interest or a care.

Through his silence he berates her.
He flaunts the coldness in his eyes.
Neither her tortured sobs nor pleading words
Can make him sympathize.

To him she's just an afterthought,
An object to be used,
A service to be rendered,
A shattered ego to abuse.

He's Dr. Jekyll with the world to see
But Mr. Hyde behind closed doors,
And each time she tries to rise again,
He knocks her back down to the floor.

He has no conscience to control him.
His heart beats for him alone.
She's a peasant to his royalty
As he perches on his throne.

He's a narcissistic bully
Who rubs her wounds with salt.
He degrades, destroys and disregards
Without a guilty thought.

But she fears he'll never let her go
And she knows he'll never change.
Promises are made and broken
But his cruelty still remains.

But time is passing quickly now.
She's in the twilight of her years
And it's her hope and consolation
That her days are numbered here.

But perhaps when she's no longer there
For him to just keep beating down,
He'll see how weak he really is
When there's no one to push around.

Lately when I wake each day,
The sunlight hurts my eyes,
And when I think of yesterday,
I want to just curl up and cry.

It seems that life is getting harder,
My sense of loneliness extreme,
My sadness more disabling,
And the abuse now more routine.

I've discovered a reality
That has consumed my very life,
Which is sometimes even breathing
Can become a constant fight.

There are moments so exhausting
From the internal, chronic pain,
That death itself seems like a blessing
Because living life's become my bane.

I thought that age would garner needed peace,
A final freedom for my soul.
But instead, the chaos and the conflict
Have grown worse as I've grown old.

It seems that some of those bad choices
That I made along the way
Remain with me just like my shadow
And will chase me to my grave.

It only takes one other person
To change your life into a hell
And make your home a ceaseless battlefield
Rather than the haven where you dwell.

My compassion and my tolerance
Proved my most pathetic traits.
They were my vices hiding in disguise
That led me to my wretched fate.

I believed in love and people changing.
I overestimated my own skills.
I thought that I could transform anyone
Through my sheer intellect and will.

Now it's far too late for changes now
The Monster's reached his grandest scale
And compared to him in all his glory,
My aged strength and weapons pale.

But I discovered an advantage,
Which I hope to master soon.
Providing that this nightmare
Doesn't render me a hopeless loon.

I now accept my dreary prison,
And I accept there's no escape.
I accept that through this misery
My heart and soul I may forsake.

I have discovered that one's death can come
Even when their heart is beating
And that instead of fighting back sometimes
The wiser move is in retreating.

I will stay silent and invisible.
I won't challenge or debate.
I'll play possum for my enemy
And perhaps I will stay safe.

At last, my fate will rest with God above
And my perdition will be done
Whether the Monster meets his just defeat
Or my own eternal rest will come.

I've spent many years now
Running from the bear.
Just when I think you're gone,
You once again are there.

Fear grips like a vise
If you're anywhere around.
I stay quiet and hidden
So that I will not be found.

Overwhelmed by sheer terror
Of another vicious attack,
Praying you won't find me,
But you always circle back.

Adrenaline is now surging,
Giving me the strength to flee.
I run until I can run no more,
And then you catch up to me.

Suddenly you're upon me.
I see the rage in your eyes.
I try so hard to fight you off.
I hear your roar above my cries.

You could do more than frighten me,
For of your strength I am aware,
But you let me go once again
So I can start running from the bear.

Being a child, you had so much pain and sorrow,
Never knowing what would come with the light of tomorrow.
As a teen, you fell in love with a man that I now call Dad.
You had two children to love but still yet you were so sad.
A day had come when you knew something had to be done,
For the one you loved had turned out not to be the one.
You gave up everything just to take care of my sister and I.
Sometimes just to make it easier on you I hoped to die.
I remember seeing some of those men beating up on you.
It killed me deep inside seeing you all black and blue.
Holding each other crying feeling so sad and lost at the time,
I told myself that this would never happen in the life of mine.
It's been years for me; I had forgotten the feeling of being so scared.
I knew my husband would never hit me, not even if dared.
Sad thing is I faced the same as you had in your life.
Thought I had to deal with it and grin to be a good wife.
Each time he hit me I closed my eyes and remembered when,
Finding myself like a child seeing it all happening again.
I knew what I was facing would not be an easy road.
You were always beside me like a shelter from the cold.
We have both been involved with some terrible men.
I know we are strong enough that this won't ever happen again.
You have been such a great Mom and my very best friend.
Now I'll stand beside you until both our journeys shall end.

The mask I wear is the face you see. 
The mask is so happy, so full of life.
The mask I wear has eyes that look like they have never seen any evil.
The mask I wear has a smile so beautiful.
The mask I wear covers the truth,
The truth of how my life is nothing but darkness,
How before I go to sleep
My body aches in pain with bruises,
How I cry myself to sleep,
How I'm told everything is my fault,
How I've tasted my own blood,
How the one who tells me they love me
Turns around and causes me pain.
The mask I wear hides the pain.
The mask is the face you see
Till I become strong enough to stop the pain.

I was in love,
But I was blind.
Didn't notice the signs,
Didn't notice the warnings.
I ignored what people were saying
Because I thought you were different.
You were,
But not the good kind.
You loved me at first,
Showing me off,
Buying me gifts,
Just ALWAYS so loving.
One day, your love turned into anger.
You no longer showed me off.
Instead, you were showing me how worthless I was.
You continued buying me gifts,
But they were just apologies, saying,
"I didn't mean to, it won't happen again.
I'M SORRY."
I forgave you,
But you continued to let your anger out.
I was no longer allowed to speak to friends and family,
Only you.
You didn't trust me outside,
So I stayed in.
Your anger made you stronger,
And my forgiveness made me weaker.
You took advantage of that.
I no longer had control over my OWN body.
You did.
I had enough,
I left.
You begged for me to come back,
I kept walking.
I was blind in love,
But never again.
The scars are still visible,
They haven't faded,
But you, you have faded from my mind.