Kayla L. Jenkins

I never thought I would have this conversation with you.
Listen, you were only 10 and didn't know what to do.
You did the best you could from the choices you had to chose.
It wasn't your fault.
You were the victim of his assault.
You were terrified, paralyzed, and confused.
The more you refused, the more he was amused.
Your trust, he misused.
You didn't deserve to be abused.

I'm so sorry for all you had to endure.
I'm sorry you felt impure.
I'm sorry I left you looking for a cure.
I'm so sorry that I blamed you.

I never thought I would have this conversation with you.
Now, you're 26 and looking for a clue.
Your soul yearns for the truth.
You're in therapy discovering the root.
Listen, you didn't do anything wrong.
You were a little girl forced to be strong.
You were left to carry this burden alone.

I'm so sorry for abandoning you.
I'm sorry you suffered in silence.
I'm sorry I couldn't be your alliance.
I'm so sorry that I blamed you.

I never thought I would have this conversation with you.
Since you are me and I am you!

Here again in this pained place.
A place I've fought hard to escape.
A place demons quicken their pace.
Every night it's a constant fight. Struggling to control my mind. Pretending that all is fine.
It's the final countdown.
Life or death: time to choose.
Not wanting to live, but I refuse
Not wanting to die, but nothing to lose.

Here again in this pained place.
A place I've fought hard to conquer.
A place thoughts constantly race.
Every night I lay and wonder.
Surrounded by darkness no light to conjure.
Prolonging the inevitable.
It's time to decide.
Life or death: which shall be my guide.
Not wanting to live, but I refuse
Not wanting to die, but nothing to lose.

This feeling is foreign and unique.
What is this? What could it be?
It's my soul making peace.
It's my mind setting me free.
It's my gift making room for me.
It's darkness releasing its grip on my reality.

This feeling is foreign and unique.
What is this? What could it be?
It's my heart accepting love.
It's my reflection radiating from above.
It's my smile growing wide.
It's my light no longer willing to hide.

This feeling is foreign and unique.
What is this? What could it be?
It's joy sweeping over my soul.
It's love making me whole.
It's peace settling in my heart.
It's light radiating in the dark.

I don't know how to tell you I'm afraid without feeling weak.
I don't know how to tell you I'm hurting and how I wish this pain would cease.
I don't know how to tell you I'm lonely without feeling incomplete.
I don't know how to tell you I'm tired and how I wish this burden would decrease.

I don't know how to tell you I'm angry without feeling guilty.
I don't know how to tell you I'm exhausted and how I wish to find some release.
I don't know how to tell you I'm confused without feeling lost.
I don't know how to tell you I'm devastated and how I wish to find inner peace.

I don't know how to tell you I'm breaking without feeling broken.
I don't know how to tell you I'm sinking and how I wish this storm would cease.
I don't know how to tell you how all these emotions overtake me.
I just pray you hear the words I attempt to speak.