Poems by Iola Zaan

Heaven - Invitation Only

You climbed this stairway once before
That day you knocked on heaven's door
They answered "No, it's not your time"
"Just go back down and you'll be fine"

They knew in heaven what you'd gone through
That disease had stolen part of you
The types of pain you had to bear
Those chemo drugs that took your hair

The angels watched in full dismay
As you tried to take your pain away
You had new parts when you awoke
To replace the ones that you had broke

Heaven's reception told you there simply wasn't  room
They'd lots of tiny baby souls waiting for a womb
Was it just that more went in than numbers coming out?
Or did they mend you at the gates as you were having doubt?

Surely heaven could have found a space?
For such a person with such good faith
Surely they could just have let you in?
Squeezed up a bit, with you being thin?

Was it their opinion that there was more for you to do
Or maybe it related to your loved ones needing you
Was it that they noticed you weren't written on the list
Could it be instead that they knew you would be missed

It seems heaven in your case was by invitation only
Not if driven to despair and not if feeling lonely
Not related to this illness, or if life just fell apart
Not when you were grieving or aching in the heart

Perhaps your time on earth was just not fully done
Or just too many folk would prefer you hadn't gone
All of us were glad to hear you must await your call
For extra time with you became a great gift for us all

The angels were delighted that they'd made you come back down
They saw that you've been happy, only rarely would you frown
We have to say in honesty we wanted you to stay
And yes, the cancer did remit, for years it went away

And now you've seen your sons more grown
And held the babes you would not have known
And touched the lives again of those you love
And all in Heaven were smiling from above

But now the angels call you to invite you there
You say, "once I doubted God, so how can I prepare"?
They tell you "have no fear, for you haven't been disowned"
"We'll pick you up this time, and take you safely home"

The girl was once a nursery nurse, quite shy, yet full of life,
Well, destiny had plans for her, to become a prince's wife.
And so the shy Diana became a blushing bride
A captivating beauty with a prince right by her side

The charming royal couple would always draw a crowd
And the warmth within Diana shone a light on all around
A light that shone for love and for the sons that she adored
A light that shone for Britain, when at home and when abroad

But the light that shone so brightly from within our future queen,
Only shone for others and did not reach her self-esteem.
For the princess became so thin and drawn due to matters of the heart
Though we saw her with her husband, at home they were apart

So sad for prince and princess that their marriage would not mend
So sad for all the nation that this fairytale should end
She persisted with compassion, her causes still to fight
Though the nation lost a future queen and the palace lost its light

She continued with her charities, the sick and poor to bless
She craved some personal privacy but was hounded by the press
And then a new Diana reemerged with all her charm
A  woman filled with passion, with such grace and yet more calm

She was still the people's princess as events would clearly show
The world was stunned to silence when fate dealt its cruelest blow
From public and from royals came the tributes so sincere
As flowers lined our streets for a memory held so dear

So now Britain is in mourning for the princess who has gone
And many other nations joined and mourned like they were one
And as the Royal procession to her funeral now departs
We say goodbye Diana, a Queen in many hearts

We recall the things our children used to say
For example from our daughter "I just want my hodalays"
We smile at the many times they use a phrase
And lots of other quirky things, on happy days

We smile for the joy and happiness they bring
Their wonder at the world and the songs they often sing
The stories that they love, the funny things they write
The way they're so attentive to the tales we tell at night

We smile at their games, there are some we used to play
The way they're so excited at the start of every day
The way they see the world, through specs all glazed in rose
The way they look like angels when at night their eyes are closed

We smile at their endeavours and the pictures that they draw
The ones they draw of people with their arms next to their jaw
The way they choose a playmate not by race or sex or creed
The way they only ask from you the love they crave and need

We smile at their honesty, their take on what they see
The jobs they wish to do and the things they want to be
One day a doctor, fireman, president or queen
Then a person with a trolley, who keeps the toilets clean

We smile, they won't  judge on  job or home
Yet we know we must protect them and ensure that they don't roam
In innocence they'll accept someone as long as they seem kind
Rich, poor or disabled, they'll just take folk as they find

We smile and we imagine how they'll grow
Enjoy this precious time, for all too soon you'll know
As long as all their efforts are rewarded with your praise
Most likely you'll be proud of the adult you have raised

We smile, though inside our hearts could break
Now they're fully grown, their own mistakes to make
A parent's task is set, that we must fledge them from the nest
They were only lent to us, for this purpose we were  blessed

Although we're filled with sadness at our empty little nest
We have to reconcile that this is only for the best
We can help to stop them falling if there ever is a need
As learning how to fly becomes their runway to succeed

Never feel redundant once there's only you and dad
Take comfort that you treasured every second that you had
Even on the sidelines you can share their highs and lows
And then they might come back to you, as every grandma knows

LEST WE FORGET

On barren land on western field
Where only sadness war can yield
On battle sites where none had grown
In fact the bravest seeds were sewn

The growing seeds marked out the plots
So fate could choose by drawing lots
Each man and boy to lay down their lives
As a sacrifice so we might live and thrive

Whilst the earth tended her plants of scarlet shade
We listed fallen men in case their crosses fade
Each name a fleeting memory of our own nation's pride
But the earth remembered every man on either side

Men from each nation missing and never found
All those unknown soldiers taken by the ground
The soil knew them all and was planning a parade
To show all were accounted for and none had been mislaid

The earth grieved that many of her sons were dead
She cried floral tears for every man in vibrant red
She sends flowers every year, she hasn't missed one yet
Poppies bloom forever for each man, lest we forget

Some might say, "my dearest child",
"You did not know her long"
So is it time that measures love?
And wouldn't that be wrong?

I can't attend her funeral
And I have to wonder why?
"You're far too young" is mentioned
Aren't I old enough to cry?

I'm not a little toddler
And I miss her like they do
I wish that I could ask her
To suggest they take me too

I know if she were here with me
She'd reach out to dry my tears
And tell them that I'm now of age
The most formative of years

A time when strong emotions
Are beginning to be known
It's best that you include a child
Don't let them grieve alone

What matters so much more
Is the memories that I keep
Not the final count of days
Until my Nana fell asleep

Although I knew her not so long
I'll remember all my days
Her gentle soothing voice
Her hugs and loving ways

I tell you if my nan was here
She would see this through my eyes
As a member of this family
I should share in these goodbyes

Did you ever not go to a place you don't know
And were sure you should visit there more
Did you ever once feel that a place is not real
And yet know that you've been there before

Did you ever not know which way you should go
And arrive there with hardly a thought
Did you never know why and not ever try
And yet learnt what you never were taught

Are you getting quite good, more than you thought you would.
At a skill you are soon to begin in
And the game that you say you have still yet to play
Isn't that just the one you keep winning?

Have you once ever heard, or recall every word?
That are spoken by babies and creatures
So in not having seen or at least having been
You remember such details and features?

Could you ever once tell that you knew someone well
A person you've never clapped eyes on
If this sounds like you, we like what you do
You're the sort that this nonsense relies on

I am here as a mother, my husband's here too
And most of you here, I'm related to you
I came here today at the front of your thoughts
As you all gather here for a ritual of sorts

For a son I gave birth to seven decades ago
I was with him on earth until his late thirties or so
And let me say this, it is not a surprise
That he chose this location to say his goodbyes

For the boy that I knew from the day he was born
Would often come here at the breaking of dawn
He came here to fish, it's so peaceful you see
He would sit here all day, then come home for tea

He loved the outdoors for the freedom it gave
Scrumping for apples, finding conkers to save
He would swim before breakfast, he was up with the lark
And if picking mushrooms, he'd go off in the dark

He would find nature's treasures wherever he'd roam
He cherished his life with the earth as his home
He could name any creature, any plant, fish or bird
There were no bugs or insects of which he'd not heard

He would often watch storms as they crashed on the coast
He loved all types of weather but the wind he loved most
He respected the seasons keeping nature in line
Giving all living things their own lifespan or time

So it seems he considered in his winter of life
Where you'd scatter his ashes with his children and wife
And of all nature's wonders he found this to be best
Where the waters flow gently in a place he could rest

So I'm here for my boy, who was your special man
At the bridge where the river flows close to Rhos Llan
As you let the breeze take him, you are setting him free
To return to us both, Mother Nature and me.

Our Wonderful Dad

I recall at the age of approximately four
That I skipped by your side to the grocery store
And I said to you, "I found out we are rich"
"The poor little match-girl wears hardly a stitch"
"Her feet are all bare and she lives on the street"
"We are about to buy food and have shoes on our feet"
And all these years on I was astonished to find
That that simple moment has stayed in your mind
For the truth at that time was that money was tight
But you and our Mom had your priorities right

You're such a good father and not only to me
I know without doubt that my brothers agree
We look back at the times you would tell made-up tales
And summertime trips to your homeland in Wales
You helped with our studies being so smart and well-read
So much information is stored in your head
And if there were games that you couldn't afford
You made them yourself including the board

You made the oldest a game that you crafted with care
Not only a pitch but the football teams there
And each player's team-strip was painted by hand
And each player stood on his own special stand
You made me a jewel-box in white painted wood
It had music inside like a jewellery box should
The youngest played soldiers so you made him a tank
Worth much more to him than some coins in a bank

Dad, you were always concerned at what your wage could provide
Yet the treasures you gave us, they came from inside
You gave us the things that don't get broken or torn
Or damaged or weathered or battered or worn
So now we are talking of love and of help and of time
We return to the child at the start of this rhyme
The pre-schooler girl who though we were the elite
Because we lived in a house and we covered our feet
She is all grown up now and would like me to say
Dad, we found out we are rich in a different way

You read the last poem, but have since passed away
So the tense has to change, but the sentiments stay
You were such a good father to all of us three
The very best father a person could be
You guided us gently until we" were all grown
You accepted our partners as if they were your own
You loved all our children and as each of them say
If grandads were graded you'd be getting an 'A'
You always wanted to make our finances right
So you played on the Lotto on Saturday night
But strange as it seems we had already won
The honour of being your daughter or son
And as for the riches that were mentioned before
With you in our hearts we could never be poor

We asked all the angels to take you from harm,
So now you sleep soundly, all peaceful and calm
But oh how we miss you, our loss is their gain
There's sunshine in heaven but on earth only rain
We lost someone close we have known many years
We are under dark clouds, drowning in tears

Then just as we are wondering however we'll cope
There appears in the heavens a rainbow of hope
Then we realise that those that we love never die
We can bring them to life in our minds if we try
And the times that are spent making memories that last
Become gifts we receive from our loved ones who've passed