Poems by Rick W. Cotton

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My Wife, The Math Whiz
- Published: December 2017
in Humorous Poems

My dear wife studies Calculus.
She says it's fun; I think she's nuts.
She's solving x and y and z.
I struggle with just 1, 2, 3.

My dear wife studies Calculus.
She says it's fun; I think she's nuts.
She's solving x and y and z.
I struggle with just 1, 2, 3.
She's got these weird and strange equations,
Mathematical madness machinations,
Exponents and integers.
Not many brains are wired like hers.
She can do it, get solutions.
For me, page one is mass confusion.
Words are my thing, heaven knows,
And I can fling some witty prose.
I rhyme without the slightest reason.
Poems penned for every season,
But give me numbers? Oh, I'm lost!
My brain becomes a salad tossed!
So I'll just stick to poetry
And not advance past 1, 2, 3.
While Sweetie does her sums and graphs
And antiderivatives...just for laughs.
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It's The Most Fattening Time Of The Year
- Published: December 20, 2022
Funny Poem About Holiday Food

in Christmas Poems

(sung to the tune of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year") - with apologies to Andy Williams

It's the most fattening time of the year
There'll be pizza and dim sum, oh yes, please, I'll have some

(sung to the tune of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year") - with apologies to Andy Williams

It's the most fattening time of the year
There'll be pizza and dim sum, oh yes, please, I'll have some
And one more root beer
It's the most fattening time of the year

It's the fat-fatteningest season of all
With those holiday dinners I'm not getting thinner, not even at all
It's the fat-fatteningest season of all

There'll be turkeys for roasting, buffets that I'm coasting
And piling my plate oh so high
'Cause this holiday eating is diet-defeating
So hand me some more of that pie!

It's the most unhealthy time of the year
My cholesterol and BP are both way up on me
But my meds are near!
I can start on that diet next year!

There'll be stuffing and swilling, by me oh so willing
My "fat pants" will be very tight
From the First of November 'till way past December
My blood work will be out of sight!
(Grow, my thighs!)

(The BIG FINISH!)
It's the most fattening time of the year!
There'll be much guilty pleasure, and way too much leisure
While growing my rear!
It's the most fattening time!
What I'm doing to me is a crime!
Oh the most fattening time - of the year!
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- Rating 4.00
Featured Shared Story

Thanks for the laugh. I love your version of the song, and your clever lyrics fit perfectly. To me, it's especially funny because it is so relatable (sigh), and I think we have a similar...

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My Friend Jack
- Published: October 2018
The Fun Of Jack O' Lanterns

in Halloween Poems

Jack comes every year to visit me,
And his grin just makes me smile.
Nearly toothless, he doesn't care.
He happily laughs all the while.

Jack comes every year to visit me,
And his grin just makes me smile.
Nearly toothless, he doesn't care.
He happily laughs all the while.

Eyes glowing in mirth and merriment,
He makes this time of year happy,
Though he's not much in conversation,
And he has no repartee snappy.

Jack just stays for a few weeks
Every year when the leaves turn yellow.
He's as welcome as he could possibly be.
He's quite the fun old fellow.

Now the sun goes down and the moon comes up,
And the costumed monsters come calling.
Light a candle to get Jack going!
Fast! The eventide's falling!

All Halloween night he sits with me,
Grinning to greet the neighbors
'Til his candle's gone and he goes to sleep.
These are hours that I truly savor.

So long old Jack, tomorrow's November!
We'll see you again next year!
When you come to visit from the pumpkin patch,
We will all be waiting right here!
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The Deep Blue Says It's Autumn
- Published: October 2017
The Striking Brilliance Of Autumn's Colors

in Fall Poems

The deep blue says it is autumn.
The sky is never this color
Except for days of cool, clear breeze
And leaves falling one on another.

The deep blue says it is autumn.
The sky is never this color
Except for days of cool, clear breeze
And leaves falling one on another.

The gold leaves say the year is ending
In its wild-hued conflagration.
The gentle season of harvest time
And happy fall celebration.

The orange says Halloween's nearing
And Thanksgiving's not far behind.
The heat of the summer is waning fast,
And a peace fills my heart and mind.

The colors of fall are all calling,
And my heart hears their song so clear.
Gray wintertime waits, but let's all celebrate
The brilliance of this time of year!
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A Geezer's Gripings
- Published: November 2017
Getting Older Is SO HARD!

in Funny Life Poems

I'm getting older, nature deems.
I'm coming apart at the seams.
The things that never hurt before
Now multiply, make more and more.

I'm getting older, nature deems.
I'm coming apart at the seams.
The things that never hurt before
Now multiply, make more and more.

My hair is thinning, or could it be
Just relocating here on me?
Down my back and out my ears
'Tis true! Oh horrid, horrid years!

My teeth were once all mine, oh, yes!
And stayed in place, in permanence!
And now, like stars, they're out at night
(And why do my pants fit oh so tight?)

My hawk-like vision has relented.
Glasses this has circumvented.
I can still see, more or less,
But down at the DMV.....I guess!

There are advantages, I'm told
To all us geezers getting old.
Like discount coffee, oh that's great!
(If we can get out of bed by eight.)

But still we soldier bravely on
And moan and groan with each new dawn.
For it's a good thing that we see
The grass from the side that still is green!
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The Ballad Of Daylight Savings Time
- Published: August 2018
in Humorous Poems

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
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Featured Shared Story

Daylight saving can either be a blessing or a curse. Thanks for the laugh. Australia is currently enjoying summer daylight saving time. Loved the verse.

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Seasons Yet To Come
- Published: November 2017
Poem About The Months Of The Year

in New Year's Poems

They gave us all a calendar
At work this afternoon.
Suddenly it dawns on me,
The year is ending soon!

They gave us all a calendar
At work this afternoon.
Suddenly it dawns on me,
The year is ending soon!

Comes January, cold and gray.
The new year's just beginning.
And February, short and bright
With Valentine hearts winning.

Comes March, the windy roaring one
And warm the sun of spring.
Then April, bright of shining sky
And flowers blossoming.

Comes May, and school comes to a close
With children's happy laughter.
Then June, with open city pools
And picnics soon thereafter.

July comes booming with a bang
Of red-glared rockets blasting.
Then August lingers with its heat
That seems so...everlasting.

September, gold September comes.
The year is growing older.
October with sweet Halloween.
The nights grow dark and colder.

November smells of harvest,
Of turkey and Thanksgiving.
December comes with joy and light
To fill hearts of the living.

Each page I flip and see these things
Of days yet to come.
My calendar is a door to me,
An adventure just begun!
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A Thanksgiving Blessing
- Published: November 2018
Joy Of Thanksgiving Season

in Thanksgiving Poems

It's cold outside, but it's warm in my heart.
And the gray fall sky is His work of art.
Laden and low, quiet and still,
November is welcome, and my eyes drink their fill

It's cold outside, but it's warm in my heart.
And the gray fall sky is His work of art.
Laden and low, quiet and still,
November is welcome, and my eyes drink their fill

Of brown-gray grass and red-orange leaves,
Of pavement winding through the strong, stately trees.
Down the hill, past the barn, past the gate, up the lane,
The house with bright candles in each window pane.

Now I step inside; oh, it's warm! Oh, that smell!
Hot turkey roasting, potatoes done well!
Sweet, spicy cider, and warm winter wine
Cranberry sauce - Oh! - the flavors - divine!

The smiles and hugs are so warm and sweet.
In this cold gray November, a Thanksgiving treat.
I do love it all and am so thankful; yes,
For this lovely season...I am truly blessed.
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Featured Shared Story

Thank you! SO GLAD you enjoyed it! I think Thanksgiving is so underrated as a holiday, and I tried to put what it means to me into words...glad you appreciated it!!

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I Wouldn't Live In A Haunted House
- Published: October 2018
in Halloween Poems

I wouldn't live in a haunted house;
It's something I just wouldn't do.
Not in creepy haunted house.
Not with me or even with you.

I wouldn't live in a haunted house;
It's something I just wouldn't do.
Not in creepy haunted house.
Not with me or even with you.

There's ghosties that hide in the shadows,
And spiders spin webs down the walls.
Things going bumpety all night long,
And footsteps go stomping down halls.

Voices that whisper when nobody's there
And shadows abound in the nighttime.
And just when you think all the ghouls have moved out,
They return for some serious fright-time.

They'll give you a poke on the back of your neck,
Or someone unseen tugs your hair.
You just know there's someone standing behind
If you dare to look...nobody's there.

I wouldn't live in a haunted house,
But on the last of October,
I might drop in for a quick little stay
And bring all my candy right over.

When the sun goes down at the edge of town
And the moon rises glorious yellow,
There's something in Halloween's glowing time
That makes all the ghosties quite mellow.

Then little ones come, dressed in costumes galore.
A haunted house might be just dandy
For you and I, Love, to spend our Halloween
On our haunted porch, handing out candy!
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The Old Guy's Checkup
- Published: March 2022
Getting Older And Not Worrying About It

in Funny Life Poems

You eat too much salt, the doctor said,
And your blood pressure's way over here in the red
You're way too fat, gotta cut back the food
Can't eat a thing that's tasty or good

You eat too much salt, the doctor said,
And your blood pressure's way over here in the red
You're way too fat, gotta cut back the food
Can't eat a thing that's tasty or good
And exercise - you need way much more
To feel really good, you gotta get sore
How do you sleep? Like a log, says I,
The moment the news comes on at five
I meant in the bed, she says with a frown
The wife says my snoring could wake the whole town
What about fatigue? Are you always worn out?
I'm 59, doc, I know what tired's all about
Been tired for awhile, since I don't know when
Since my kids grew up, since 2010,
Since I got that recliner that just fits my rear,
And that big screen I see even though it's not near
She writes and she thinks, and then writes some more
And writes a prescription for my local drug store
Hmmm, she says, with a thoughtful grin
Guess you're in good shape....for the shape you're in.
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