Funny Life Poems - Page 2

You eat too much salt, the doctor said,
And your blood pressure's way over here in the red
You're way too fat, gotta cut back the food
Can't eat a thing that's tasty or good
And exercise - you need way much more
To feel really good, you gotta get sore
How do you sleep? Like a log, says I,
The moment the news comes on at five
I meant in the bed, she says with a frown
The wife says my snoring could wake the whole town
What about fatigue? Are you always worn out?
I'm 59, doc, I know what tired's all about
Been tired for awhile, since I don't know when
Since my kids grew up, since 2010,
Since I got that recliner that just fits my rear,
And that big screen I see even though it's not near
She writes and she thinks, and then writes some more
And writes a prescription for my local drug store
Hmmm, she says, with a thoughtful grin
Guess you're in good shape....for the shape you're in.

My husband plays golf, or at least he does try.
After many a round he will wonder just why.
It's not just a sport, it's a full-blown obsession
That can be euphoric or lead to depression.

He walks through the door, and I ask how it went,
Just being polite, but my ear will get bent.
He spouts meaningless numbers and hole-by-hole plays.
He won't even notice my eyes start to glaze.

The gear you can buy is expensive and endless.
I must admit that I wish he would spend less.
If you think that some clubs, a bag, balls and shoes
Would be all that he'd need, then you haven't a clue!

He needs GPS watches and ball picker-uppers,
Umbrellas and gloves and club cleaning brushes,
Remote controlled buggy and replacement grips.
Don't forget lessons and those golfing trips.

The pricing of golf wear just couldn't be crasser -
Fabric technology developed by NASA!
And before you know it he wants to trade up;
His clubs are old models and not up to snuff.

He watches the tournaments and every golf show
(To me it's as thrilling as watching grass grow).
He browses the internet and reads magazines;
The golf tips on YouTube, the knowledge he gleans!

This theory won't always translate into practice.
He'll mess with his game till it's totally cactus.
The stance and the takeaway, the swing plane and height
Have all been dissected till nothing works right.

And then one fine day he's as pleased as can be,
A hole-in-one certificate he presents to me.
It's not quite a car, but I'm still very proud;
A feat only dreamed of...I truly am wowed!

A trophy now takes pride of place on the shelf,
A reminder to not be too hard on himself.
He mustn't give up when his handicap suffers,
'Cause then I would lose those sweet five hour buffers!

I have one too many personalities.
I don't know which one is really me,
So if I'm nice at first and then I'm mean,
You just met Sally and then met Steve.

Yes, it's strange, but don't be alarmed,
Steve and Sally cause no harm,
Neither does Sarah, or Sammy, or Stu,
But Darwin and Devin and David sure do.

Be cautious around us,
The villains I named,
You won't know who's who,
We all look the same.

Half of us would hug you,
And falsely reminisce,
But half of us will kill you,
So in this cell we sit.

Oh my soul, be thou quiet
This is not 'another diet'
Just a program of exchange
Though some things do seem strange

Raw vegetables and 'brock-o-lee'
Does not sound too good to me
Lots of tofu and bean sprouts
While my empty stomach shouts

The meaning here is quite plain;
This program is designed for pain
Someone with anorexia planned
A program that tastes like sand

My hands are sweating, my soul is dreading
I must keep this thing from spreading
My only hope, the paper shredder
It finally made this diet better

I'm so glad that I'm not forgetful
and seeing the frustration it brings
like others who are losing their heads
and thinking of loftier things.

This morning I found the keys in my door lock
when I walked out to leave.
How nice they were waiting there all night,
saving me time to retrieve.

I went to the garage yesterday
to put on my garden shoes.
There lay my wet swimming suit
with my important lists of to-dos.

Behind my decorative pillow,
I found popcorn and the remote for the TV
along with a black-laced bra
that I hope belongs to me!

Once again, I opened my pantry door
and spied a gallon of milk, quite lukewarm,
placed next to the chocolate cookies,
which seems to be the norm.

I did misplace my cup of hot tea
while I was icing my right knee.
It was found in the china cupboard.
Is someone playing a joke on me?

Whoever this culprit may be,
I wish he would leave me alone.
I don't have time to spare,
and I want the return of my cell phone.

Perhaps it's a playful, mischievous elf
hiding my glasses and my rings,
but I'm so glad that I'm not forgetful
and thinking of loftier things.

Hello, you happy little pill
A smile, a laugh, a cold dark chill
When tragedy struck you were given to me
To ease the pain, to enhance the glee

Take two a day, the bottle says
Not any more or any less
To change my mood, brighten my day
To undo the thoughts of a once dark way

I remember when before this drug
My pain reliever came in a jug.....(40 proof)
The thoughts of darkness came and went
My days and nights were drunken spent

So for those who wish for a better way
And can't seem to face another day
Ask for help, you'll feel better still
From this happy, helpful little pill

Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.

Would a big scary brain come looking to see
if his favorite food was inside of me?
Excusing myself, I went straight to bed
and pulled the covers over top of my head.

I tossed and turned without any sleep,
wondering about what brains hate to eat.
Fatty meats and sweets, my mama had said.
So quickly downstairs I silently tread,
and into the kitchen to remedy my dread.

Now erased are my fears to bed,
with any feelings of doom.
For now is sugar sprinkled, widespread,
all about my room.