Poems by Patricia Fleming

I peek through blinds that are tightly drawn,
Shocked by the glow of the breaking dawn.
I shun the brilliance of another day.
Enslaved and entombed, I stay hidden away.

The night was long as I lay awake,
Anxiety choking like a poisonous snake.
My self-hatred grows like some malady
That I pray will soon be the death of me.

Being hated and scorned is painful indeed,
And that love can be torture, we all must concede,
But to be ignored and forgotten can vanquish one's heart
Until it's in pieces, just shattered apart.

To feel nonexistent is so hard to abide,
When you know that your heart is still beating inside.
And how do you save your sinking soul,
When you feel yourself plummeting into that hole?

My dreams don't provide any rest or relief;
They only replay my regrets and my grief.
I honestly don't know how I came to this place,
But it's clear to me now that there is no escape.

You may call me weak and lowly at best.
I'm trapped in self-pity, I must confess.
I long for some quiet, just a moment of peace,
But my negative voice refuses to cease.

My greatest enemy resides within,
But how can I battle myself and win?
I find this a callous, duplicitous life,
Not worth any effort to fight the good fight.

Surviving, instead of living each day,
Sheltered inside sturdy walls I create.
Fleeting moments when hope will linger so nigh,
But those feelings of wretchedness still once again rise.

Getting through every moment and each empty day,
Feeling lost and panicked in this chaotic maze.
Still not giving up and not giving in,
With my greatest fear being that it won't ever end.

Time passes all so quickly,
Moments melting into years.
It's true, time waits for no one,
And the end is always near.

We live a life so tenuous,
So easily it's gone.
And no matter what we each endure,
Time keeps marching on.

We take refuge in the moment,
And we cling to every day.
We pretend it's all forever,
Just to keep the end at bay.

We hearken back to childhood,
When the world was filled with treasures,
And our lives and what the future held
Was beyond what we could measure.

When our family was our everything,
There was still no place like home.
And with our best friends by our sides,
We came into our own.

And though we took our private paths,
We all have kept in mind
That in life our greatest struggle
Is our battle against time.

Will we get to know what true love is?
Will we have the things we need?
Will we conquer all our greatest fears?
Will we fail or will we succeed?

And then as we grow older,
And the future shrinks away,
Our lives become more memories
And less about today.

We share our wisdom and our hope
With the children in our lives,
And say good-bye to those we loved,
Who once stood by our side.

But there's a peace in growing old,
As time becomes more dear.
And who we are and why we're here
Becomes so crystal clear.

And we see time is not the enemy,
But how that time was lived.
And if we took all that we could,
Or gave all that we could give.

For in our final hours,
As our time begins to wane.
The goodness that our soul's bestowed,
Is all that shall remain.

Now what should I be thankful for?
Now where do I begin?
Of course the greatest gift of all -
My family and my friends.

But it's also all the little things
That touch my life each day
That I sometimes take for granted
Letting life get in the way.

Like my comfy bed that keeps me warm
As I sleep away the night
And that lovely glowing, smiling sun
That wakes me with her light.

Just lying there and taking time
To hear the world as she awakes.
The peaceful sounds of early morn
That nature starts to make.

The smell of breakfast cooking
My cat entreating me to rise
Breathing in the crisp fall air
And looking up at pillowed skies.

To be blessed with still another day
To laugh and love and live.
To have enough to care for me
And still have plenty more to give.

To smell and hear the rainfall
As it pitter patters from the sky.
To watch a snowy blizzard roar
While sitting safe and warm inside.

To look upon the bluest sea
As the gulls go soaring by.
To feel the salt upon my skin
As I lay beneath the sun to dry.

I'm so grateful that God still allows
Another child to be born
And that He opens up His heavens
To all those loved ones I mourn.

I feel blessed by each new moment.
Another chance to make things right
And for all good people in this world
Who love and give with all their might.

It's important each and every day
To bring all our thanks to mind.
It's tragic we're so lost in life
That we seldom take the time.

But as for me, I plan to make a change.
It's a simple change to make.
To thank God for all my blessings
Every morning when I wake!

These days, that moment haunts me,
That first moment we met.
You were a vision from the heavens
That I never would forget.

I watched you from a distance,
Wondering if you were for real.
I thought perhaps if I just blinked
You would suddenly disappear.

But I knew that there was no escape.
Your smile seized my very soul.
Your timid touch pierced my defenses.
My heart was losing all control.

Your eyes, a brilliant sunrise
From which I couldn't turn away.
Your silky voice, the sweetest melody
That played in my mind all day.

My love grew like a malady,
And there was nothing I could do.
I knew for sure the only remedy
Was to pledge my life to you.

I was defenseless but exuberant.
I felt in awe of each new day
And my constant thoughts of only you,
A sweet place I was enslaved.

Oh, but you were quite the challenge.
You did not relinquish easily.
I had to joust each day to win your heart
While you played coy incessantly.

But I would never acquiesce
From my designs upon your heart,
And once I proved to be victorious,
We would never be apart.

Our life became a precious journey,
Trekking through both highs and lows.
We were a family of adventurers,
A force against the world we'd go.

And as you lay there sleeping now,
Our life reflected in your face.
Each line and crease a testimonial
To all the love and strength you gave.

It tells the story of our children
Who brought us joy through long, hard years.
It reveals the hardships that we overcame
With grateful laughter and some tears.

Your eyes now opened to the darkness.
The light within those eyes still bright.
Your upturned face so pale and lovely,
My breath still catches at the sight.

It's time to face the grim reality
Of the fast-approaching end.
There is no future now for us to share,
Only those places where we've been.

My sorrow's heavy on my chest
As you smile up at me.
I'm just a useless, helpless coward
Pleading with you not to leave.

I have stubbornly resisted,
Negotiating for more time.
One more day to gaze upon that face
And feel your heart beat next to mine.

Five decades we've lived side by side.
It's been you who's kept me brave,
And if you leave me all alone,
I fear I can't be saved.

Your voice is now a whisper.
Your breathing comes in slow, short gasps.
In my arms you're like a feather.
Your hand feels frail inside my grasp.

Your words are firm but loving.
I must finally let you go
And be grateful for the gift we shared
That so many never know.

Then I gently kiss your cool, wet cheeks
And watch you slowly slip away.
I feel comfort in the peace you've found,
And in that peace, we'll share someday.

And then that moment reappears,
That first moment we met.
I thank God for every moment since
And let you go without regrets.

It could not be me he's thinking of
When he looks up at the soft moonlight.
And it can't be me that he's dreaming of
When he falls asleep at night.

It could not be my face that caught his eye
In the midst of his busy day
Whose beauty left him hypnotized
And at a loss for what to say.

It could not be my smile that melted his heart
Or my laughter upon the breeze.
It would not be the curves of my body
That left him limp and weak in the knees.

It surely could not be my luminous eyes
Or the touch of my skin so smooth.
It would never be just the image of me
That could trigger his amorous mood.

You see I know it could never be me
To catch a man's eye these days.
In fact if I happen to pass one by
He just looks the other way.

My eyes are not as bright anymore.
They're sagging and much too thin.
Surely, they're not the kind of place
Any man could get lost in.

My body has not aged gracefully
And my curves are far too plump.
My boobs are falling down to the floor
Along with my flatter rump.

Most often I feel invisible.
I blend into the scenery.
I'm far too old to "strut my stuff"
To get Prince Charming to notice me.

Right now feeling wanted and desired,
To be the woman of his dreams,
Is now nothing more in the scheme of my life
Than a thrilling and sweet memory.

Yes, those days of romance and passion
Have sadly passed me by
And now I just feel grateful each day
For the man growing old by my side.

I once wore the deepest, emerald green
inside a cluster of plush, verdant leaves.
I bowed from an ancient, magnificent tree
and fluttered and danced in a warm spring breeze

Then I sighed in the glow of the sultry sun,
thrilled that a new summer day had begun.
The birds hopped in glee as they woke one by one
and awakened the world as they twittered and sung.

I casted a welcome, magnificent sight
that sheltered and shaded from morning to night
I spied on sweet lovers in the dreamy twilight
and slept beneath stars twinkling and bright.

Then I swelled with pride in the rich, vibrant fall,
serenaded and soothed by the cricket's calls,
and draped in a golden, russet, shawl
I hung praised and admired by one and all.

I napped in the chill of the crisp Autumn air,
as squirrels gathered acorns strewn everywhere,
then I cried as the neighboring trees became bare
and thought how this life was so quick and unfair.

My moment had passed as I lay on that ground,
now withered and useless, decaying and brown.
I looked up at that tree standing naked and down
and recalled when our beauty could thrill and astound.

Though we all looked the same whisking there in the trees,
just a cluster of delicate, whispering leaves
our uniqueness may not be so easy to see,
I assure you there's no leaf in this world just like me.

But nature as life must go through its seasons,
we are born and we die for mysterious reasons.
But I had a good life, just as harsh as was pleasing
and I hope that the world will be grieved by my leaving.

When I was young on rainy days,
Alone on my front porch I'd play.
I'd lose myself in another time
That I could create with my toys and my mind.

Tomorrow never mattered to me,
For that was where I would always be.
There would be no hurt, no pain, no tears,
There were no worries; there was nothing to fear.

But as I grew up and everything changed,
I realized that life was no easy game.
You lived by the rules that the outside world made,
And that feeling of safety would ultimately fade.

You walked a fine line as you faced every day,
Filled with constant surprises as you went on your way.
And your life could change in the blink of an eye,
And failure could come no matter how hard you tried.

You would fight many battles, as you tarried along.
Sometimes you'd be right, but more times you'd be wrong.
So many people you'd love and you'd hate,
But you had to keep going because life wouldn't wait.

And lost in that mess that you'd make every day
And behind all those senseless and stupid mistakes
Would be moments so splendid, so perfect and fine,
You would wish that they all could be frozen in time.

Cherished moments with family, the fulfillment of dreams,
Those brief special moments, and the boring routines.
The excitement of learning just who you could be,
And finding that happiness was not guaranteed.

Discovering, with relief, your niche in this world,
Achieving so much but still wanting more.
Through births and some losses, you'd survive on just hope,
Always searching for ways to escape and to cope.

And then there'd be love to nourish your heart,
And sadness and tears when that love fell apart.
You would go through the stages of life as they came.
You would grow up and grow old and constantly change.

You'd see beautiful things in this exceptional world,
The wonder and power of nature unfurled.
You would witness the kindness of our own human race.
But also the destruction and chaos we make.

Indeed as a child I had no real clue
About what was coming and what I'd go through.
And although I do miss that innocent peace,
I treasure each moment that brought me to me.

But still when it's dark and rainy sometimes,
My cozy front porch will come gently to mind.
And I'll long for a chance to just steal away
And curl up on that porch with my toys and just play.

The hardest part of getting old,
Is dealing with regrets,
Accepting there's no going back.
One chance is all I get.

Facing dreams that I once had
That never did come true,
And knowing they can't be achieved
And there's nothing now to do.

Recalling choices that I made
That clearly changed my life.
Times when I retreated
When I should have stood to fight.

People that I pushed away
Who only meant me well.
While holding on to other ones
Who made my life a hell.

Devoting all my energy
To the work I did each day
While investing little in myself
As my own life slipped away.

Not working hard on friendships,
Or on a family of my own.
So that now in this last stage of life,
I find myself alone.

If I had to do it all again,
It wouldn't be the same.
I'd live my life more for myself.
My priorities would change.

I would reach back more to others
Who had tried to pull me close.
And cherish all those people,
Who had cared for me the most.

I would not accept hurt or abuse
But demand love and respect.
I'd nurture those parts of myself
That I tended to neglect.

I would hope to have at least one child,
Who I'd teach and guide through life.
Who would hopefully look up to me,
And treasure my advice.

I would still find time to do my work,
One thing of which I'm proud.
It was my years in social work
That were my most profound.

But as for all the time I lost,
And the things that I can't change.
I have to let it go for good
And focus on the time that now remains.

For there are no second chances.
This is the life I made.
But I pray that by my being here,
I've made a difference in some way.

When the time came again to visit her there,
He'd feel that dark sense of despair.
He could already picture her sweet, gentle face,
Marred by that sad, empty stare.

Sometimes he'd wonder just where she had gone.
It was as if she was only a shell.
Most of the time she'd forget who he was,
Or she'd swear he was somebody else.

It was torture for him to see her like this,
Surrounded by other lost souls.
She was gradually losing herself every day.
There was nothing that she could control.

Her good days grew less and her bad days grew worse.
It was as if she had already died.
There were days he'd be willing to tell her good-bye.
She was existing, not living a life.

But oh how he'd long to see her again.
For a moment, to just catch a glimpse
Of that wonderful woman, so special and dear,
That dear wife he so desperately missed.

The cruelty of life was undeniable,
And the reality of death was a curse.
But watching that person he adored fade away,
For him, there had been nothing worse.

He wanted so much just to hold her
And together stroll down memory lane.
But the life they once knew stopped existing for her,
And she no longer could see him the same.

He held on for years, ever loyal and true.
She was still all that mattered in life.
And despite how much farther she drifted away,
His heart kept her always close by.

When that last moment came, he was with her.
He was there sitting right by her side,
And his heart filled with joy as she looked up at him,
And their love shined so bright in her eyes.

He grew up in a town where people were poor,
In a family quite wealthy with love.
He was raised by two parents who were stable but strict
And taught him to trust God above.

The days of his youth were like everyone else,
Filled with both good times and bad.
But he learned to look forward and follow his dreams
And be grateful for all that he had.

And then at 19, it was time to escape
From the shelter and safety of home.
So he went off to the Navy in search of himself
And to finally stand up on his own.

When tragedy struck and his ship was destroyed,
Torpedoed and lost to the sea,
He learned just how quickly his whole world could change
And how frightening and short life could be.

So when he returned to family and home,
He found where his future now lied,
And he studied and worked and had children,
With the love of his life by his side.
           
And the rest, as they say, is just history,
But my story all started with him.
He raised me and loved me and taught me what's right,
And I hold him forever within.

The man I've described is my father,
A man of whom I feel so proud.
He was loving, and honest, and decent,
And his humor brought sunshine through clouds.

And it's true that today he's no longer with me.
His laughter and hugs are now gone,
But my deep love for him remains in my heart,
And his memory forever lives on.

But I hope from the heavens he still could look down,
And I hope through the years he could see
Just how hard I have strived to be just like him,
So he could still feel proud of me.