Abuse Poem

Poem The Internal Struggle After Abuse

I wrote this poem a little while ago when I was in a weird place mentally. I've struggled with handling my emotions and self blame for a long time. My stepdad sexual abused me from the age of 6 until recently, I'm 27. He has been relentless and refuses to let me go, it was obsession on his part I think. My whole life I've lived in the shadows of what he continued to do to me, never being able to break free as my mother has always stood by him knowing and defending what he was doing. Now I'm free.

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Love Or Obsession


Published by Family Friend Poems March 29, 2024 with permission of the Author.

Daddy I remember
I remember it all
Everything you did to me
Don't you recall?

Every time you hurt me
Every time you held me tight
A lot of the time I hated it
But sometimes I wouldn't fight

Because sometimes when you held me
It made me feel whole
You put the pieces back together
But that wasn't your role

You lost the right to that
When you changed why you were there
The first time you got in my bed
And started playing with my hair

From that moment I knew
That things would never be the same
But I still get confused sometimes
As to what they became

I knew the way I felt
I knew it wasn't right
How could I love you so much
But still hate you of a night

I am just as to blame as you
Especially early on
Because I let you do that to me
And kept silent for so long

It changed the way I saw you
But to what I'm still not sure
Why did you change things dad
Why did you want more?

Why'd you stop reading me stories
And tucking me in at night
Why did you change things daddy
To something that wasn't right

I hate that I still love you
And that I miss your touch
I feel sick to my stomach
That I wanted you so much

Was it just confusion
Or was I complicit from the start
Even thinking of you now
I feel heavy in my heart

Everything wrapped together
Confusion, love and fear
Trying to navigate through what I feel
But not knowing how to steer

Every time I see you
I'm still overwhelmed with dread
Trying to make sense of everything
That's flowing through my head

I know that I am scared of you
For the times you conflicted pain
But my body doesn't recognise that
And sometimes nor does my brain

I know logically I'm meant to hate you
For what society says is bad
But honestly when I think of you
It just makes me sad

Thinking about how you let me down
When your role was to protect
You were meant to nurture me
And treat me with love and respect

But instead you collected me
Like I was an on going prize
Not stopping to question
The loudness of my cries

Didn't you ever wonder
Why I would plead for you to stop
And say daddy you are hurting me
Every time you got on top

I know that I loved you
But I also knew it was wrong
Even when I tried to stop you
You were always too strong

The first time I told someone
Boy did I pay the price
I still have the marks on my body
From your stern advice

Even to this day daddy
I'm still conflicted on how I feel
Because of the ways you twisted my mind
I still don't know what is real

Is it real that you love me
I'm the one that you adore
Your good little girl daddy
Your property to explore

The one you would never give up
Even if we were apart
You told me you would always find me
You knew where to start

You told me what I meant to you
But it was filled with so much aggression
Tell me daddy was that love to you
Because to me that is obsession

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