Living Life With Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,

When they ask me what I am afraid of,
I lie.

I can never expose you,
never tell the truth about you
for fear of speaking you into existence.
You are my punisher and my captor,
my tormentor, my torturer.
You are the little voice inside of my head
telling me bad, bad things to do to myself,
things I can't talk about
for fear I'll forget who I am and turn into you.

You tell me we are one and the same, but I am not you.
I would never hurt a child the way you have hurt me.
I would never tell a young girl she is unlovable,
or fat,
or ugly,
or crazy,
or worthless.

I would never tell her to carve ugly, terrible words into her body,
to hold a flame to her skin,
until she has burned herself so badly that the pain goes out like a light
and her nerves are dead,
just like she should be.

I don't know why I listen to you
when you force me to my knees in front of the toilet.
When you send me running around the house in a panic,
searching in vain for a pencil sharpener I haven't already dismantled.
When you tell me the closest to love
I will ever come is sending naked pictures of myself
to disgusting hunters of young prey.

But I am not afraid of them.
I am afraid of the shadows of my mind
of the twisted and warped reality I am living in.

And I scream, because it is all in my head.
I scream because none of it is real.
I scream because you are clawing your way up my throat,
stealing my voice, gouging out my eyes, eating away at the lining of my stomach,
turning my bones to jello and my hair to dust,
destroying, destroying, destroying, destroying, destroying, destroying.

ENOUGH.

I have had ENOUGH. I am not you.
I never was.
I never will be.
This is only a body, and you are only a feeling, and I will rise above.

I am above this, above you, above my thoughts, above it all.
And I will survive.
And I will love me.
And I will not let go.

Sincerely,
Olivia

With her head hung low
and nowhere to go,

she can't explain
this mysterious pain.

It comes on so fast.
How long will it last?

Her heart is just pounding; her head starts to spin.
Please go away; she does not want you in.

She's uncontrollably crying.
It feels like she's dying.

Her body is trembling; her hands start to shake.
She feels so helpless with this horrible ache.

Someone, please help her; make this go away.
She can't stand to feel this way one more day.

Someone, please help her; she's down on her knees.
She's scared and helpless and hopes no one sees.

With her head hung low,
not knowing where to go,

she tries to explain
this mysterious pain.

Get dressed, love.
You're going to be late.
You look at yourself in the mirror,
The one you really hate.

Put it down, love.
It's caused you so much pain.
You're going to do damage.
You don't want to be called insane.

Stand up, love.
Your tears make you weak.
Wipe off that black mascara,
Proof of sadness upon your cheek.

Take your pills, love.
You must try your very best.
Forget about your dizzy spells,
The tightening in your chest.

Chin up, love.
No one can know your thoughts.
You must act like you're happy
While your heart just sits and rots.

Smile a little, love.
Let me see those pearly whites.
No one has to know
What you thought about all those nights.

Breathe for me, love.
Your pain won't be forever.
Take my hand, and I'll take yours.
We'll get through this together.

Chest tightens,
Gets hard to breathe.
My only escape
Is when I drug myself to sleep.

Constantly I wear a mask.
Constantly feeling afraid,
Worrying if the monster will attack me today.

But sometimes I'm at peace
With myself and everyone around,
Or maybe
It's just another pretense
And I wear the mask all over again.

It is in the dark of night
When insomnia sings me awake
To the tune of lullabies
And the rhythm of mindful blight.

It is the spotlight of the watchful moon
And the flickering of uncertain stars
That cradle my fears
And anxious thoughts they croon.

It is in the view of the sunshine,
Where my unwanted thoughts stem,
Waiting and ripening in my head
Until around my throat they twine.

And echoing in my mind
Is the blissful song of insomnia,
Sewing itself into my skin
As daylight leaves me behind.

Anxiety,
I'm miserable because of you,
making plans and not following through.

You have me feeling as though I am alone.
I don't feel safe unless I'm at home.

I see a stranger on the street,
want to say hi but too scared to speak.

What are they staring at?
Something must be wrong...
Is there a stain on my shirt?
Is my nose too long?

I'm shaking, find an exit, I must retreat!
Here they come! Here they come!
Quick, I must flee!

People keep telling me that I am fine
but I am not,
not in my mind.

A lump in my throat makes it so hard to swallow.
Pains in my chest consume me with sorrow.
I lay awake, restless, hoping maybe,
just maybe this will all be gone
tomorrow.

Anxiety grabs me by the throat,
Almost like grabbing a man's balls.
It hurts deep into your stomach,
Churning your belly down.
It locks you in a suitcase like a prison cell,
Not being able to move from the four walls,
not getting out.
Same situation over and over again.
You're useless, nobody likes you,
Says the little devil on my shoulder
Is someone building a house on my shoulders?
Ooooo no, it's just me overthinking.
You see me sitting there,
Bouncing my leg or twiddling my fingers.
Yes, that's my anxiety.
Sweaty palms.
Yes, that's my anxiety too.
Putting my head down,
Avoiding eye contact.
Yessss, that's anxiety too.
I want to be normal,
But I guess
My anxiety makes me me
A nervous and awkward mess.
I think until 2 am,
Imaging scenarios and scenes,
Which will never happen.
I prepare myself.
Thing is, with me,
I have built my wall too high,
And not many people
Try to climb it,
But I just wish
One or two people would
And help me.
It's controlling my thoughts
And the person I dream of being.