Who You'd Be

My days are filled with thoughts of you
and of the babies you'd have by now too.
I wonder if they would have your smile,
your ornery laugh or charismatic style.

I wonder what kind of man you'd be,
would you act like your dad, or be more like me?
Would the years have been kind?
Would you be graying now?
I wish I knew the answers somehow.

We took for granted the time we had,
always fighting, always mad.
When you were just a baby, you see,
we grew up together, just you and me.
It wasn't until you became a teen,
our words toward each other became so mean.
Most say it's because we were exactly the same,
the only thing different was our gender and name.

I have so many regrets, don't you see?
The tears won't stop flowing. I'm just not me.
If I could change a few rough years,
maybe that would stop the tears.
On second thought, that can't be true,
'cause I'd still be here without you.

See how my mind is just not the same? 
A careless friend and a wreck are to blame.
I'm supposed to be at work right now,
focused on this crap somehow,
but as thoughts of you come wandering in,
I can't help but pick up this pen.

I think I write to release the pain
before I totally go insane.
It hurts so much to not see your face.
Nothing could ever take your place.

So once again,
before I go,
there's a few more things I want you to know.

I'm sorry for the bad times and so grateful for the good.
If I could trade you places,
you bet I would.
You're alive in my thoughts
and alive in my heart.
Even death can't keep us apart.

So wait by the gate and watch for me,
'cause I don't know how long I'll be.

Love, Mom