Humorous Poems - Page 2

  1. 21. A 21st Century Visit From Santa

    • By Brooke Jones
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems December 2010

    The classic "A Visit From Santa" MEETS Thomas Friedman's "The World Is Flat" in what could well become a new holiday classic. The birth of the world wide web has changed everything, forever, and for those not prepared, earning a living could be a challenge.

    T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house
    Not a creature was sleeping -- not pet, child or spouse.
    The people were tossing and turning in beds
    With visions of bills dancing 'round in their heads.
    Their wood chairs were stacked in the fireplace by three's
    If it burns through the night then the family won't freeze.

    Then out on the street they heard glass start to shatter
    They jumped up in fright with their teeth all a-chatter
    They peeked out their windows and under the stars,
    saw a red-suited fat man repossessing their cars.
    He tied each to his sled and affixed them with chains
    Then plopped in his seat and snapped with his reins:

    "On Beemer, on Caddie, on Lexus, and Ford,
    On Volvo, on Prius, on Honda Accord."

    Then off he did fly like a lumbering float
    But not before he had texted this note:

    "Beware dear America, for you've not seen the light
    You still think 'the good life' is your natural birth right.
    Thanks to Internet access, this world's grown quite small
    The Windows are open where once there were walls.
    The Earth may look round, but it's flattening fast
    And those now in first place may soon be in last.

    Study science and math -- learn a skill that is new,
    If you don't, your job prospects are sure to be few.
    Your Santa's been outsourced -- I'm a Bangalore Gnome
    Your bank has just emailed -- they've foreclosed on your home
    And not long ago your boss faxed to say
    You've just lost your job and your 401-K"

    Then off in the distance we heard him opine:
    "There are millions in Asia now standing in line!
    Merry Christmas to all and to all lots o' luck
    Take heed of my words or you'll surely be *^#*ed".

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    Why does this sound like it may happen... Awesome poem by the way.

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  2. 22. Growing Old

    I began writing poetry in middle age. For about 5 years I lived aboard a yacht in remote areas of Australia, mostly in the Torres Strait. We had intermittent TV and radio signal depending on the anchorage and I began writing poems for family and friends for special occasions. The majority of my poems have a whimsical quality and this poem is no exception. It takes a humorous look at how we deal with the ravages of aging and particularly strikes a chord with women of middle age and older.

    A Humorous Take On Our Efforts To Appear Young

    They said I was an "old fart"
    But I hardly think that's true
    My boobs were done in '75
    But my teeth and knees are new.

    And since my eyes were lasered
    I have 20/20 sight
    Though I like to sit on 50 k
    And hate to drive at night.

    All in all I object to "old"
    But "fart" is another matter
    For I think the valves that seal the gas
    Now leak as I've got fatter.

    To add to the indignity
    And make me feel antique
    Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
    I spring a little leak.

    So if you're feeling young and smug
    With a body like brand new
    Just remember in 30 years
    This figure may be you!

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  3. 23. Office Policy Change

    Wouldn't the work environment be wonderful if office policy including time to laugh every day?

    Stepping into the boardroom meeting,
    Stepped out of character too.
    Put a red slipper on one foot,
    On the other a bright blue shoe.

    Stress at work was at a peak.
    I could hardly contain my grin,
    At the shock on each and every face
    The moment their boss walked in.

    Eyes moved slowly from my feet
    To capture my innocent stare.
    Each one of them convinced I think,
    I was totally unaware.

    Unable to contain myself.
    My laughter bubbled free.
    At my release, they followed suit
    Relief conjoined with glee.

    Our memorable meeting followed with
    Coffee and doughnuts for the staff.
    Office policy now includes
    Time every day to laugh!

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  4. 24. Peace And Quiet

    • By Jonathan Mark Pina
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems December 2015

    This is just a little humorous poem I wrote about living in modern day life.

    Poem About Not Wanting To Rest

    Turn it up please
    Can you make that
    A little louder?

    The silence in my head
    Grows more deafening
    By the hour

    I don't need rest
    Or even peace
    And tranquility

    I need constant
    Stimulation
    Excitement and hostility

    Don't ask my mind
    To relax and
    Take a break

    Do you expect me
    To just sit here
    Bored to death and meditate?

    I'm used to
    Loud noise
    And the pounding
    Frenetic pace

    Of the madness
    That's become
    What was once
    The Human Race

    Give me car chase scenes
    Give me pumpin'
    Boomboxes

    Give me fist fights
    And rumbles
    And hot, sexy foxes

    Feed me screams
    And explosions
    That take away my breath

    Give me a taste of anarchy
    And a double dose
    Of death

    I need sitcoms
    And Facebook
    And YouTube

    Give me smart phones
    And Twitter
    And laptopsĀ 
    And Yahoo

    Please help me escape
    'Cause I don't wanna be
    Lonely

    I need to keep busy
    So I ain't stuck here
    With only

    My thoughts
    There's nothin' but
    Tumble weeds blowin'

    I forgot how to think
    Where was I
    Going with this?

    Never mind
    Feed me a
    Steady diet

    Super-size my stimuli
    But please hold the
    Peace and quiet!

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  5. 25. The Bulls Of Bickerton Lane

    My home sits on a three acre property that abuts a cattle farm. The driveway/lane that leads to my neighbors house bears the name Bickerton Lane.
    It seems that the fence surrounding the grazing field is sorely in need of repair. The cattle wander at will through this broken down fence and onto my property. I hear them in the morning mooing and grazing through my yard and, annoyingly, leaving their fertile deposits behind them.
    So, I wrote this rhyme to calm myself down.

    The bulls of Bickerton Lane do graze
    Upon my verdant lawn.
    I hear them in the morning haze
    Mooing to the dawn.

    They trample all my flowered shrubs;
    They crush the dainty rose.
    And then they pee this giant stream
    As from a garden hose.

    And what's this sticking to my shoe?
    'tis this I truly hate,
    For it's the stinking residue
    Of what the beasties ate.

    So then I say, let's have some fun.
    We'll let them eat the grass.
    Whilst with my trusty BB gun,
    I shoot them in the ass!

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  6. 26. Picture Perfect

    Another poem by Annabel Sheila, just for fun!

    She stood there by the ocean,
    The breeze gently lifted her hair.
    Of that seagull just above her,
    She was totally unaware.

    Seemingly floating in the sky,
    The seagull's wings were still.
    I think it paused to take good aim,
    And drop a mess at will.

    Too late she looked above her head,
    Where the seagull hovered now.
    Then as I watched in horror,
    Bird droppings hit her brow.

    Her scream pierced the balmy air.
    Splat! The stuff hit her face.
    Then she saw my camera and me,
    And stomped off in disgrace.

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  7. 27. After The Operation

    • By Barbara Turner
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems September 2008

    My husband had the cataracts removed from his eyes. It was then that I got to thinking about how well he would see after the operation and more important, would he like what he'd see?

    So now he has had his eyes done,
    and at last he can see,

    but I was a bit worried,
    what would he think of me?

    You see, he hadn't seen me,
    out of two good eyes,

    would I be a total shock,
    or a nice surprise?

    He said "my God, you are almost grey,
    you're eyes are much too small,

    you are old and fat and ugly,
    I'm not impressed at all"

    But as I sat there crying,
    I suddenly noticed that---

    he wasn't looking my way,
    but talking to the cat!!

    so yes I think he's very pleased
    with all that he can see

    He thinks every thing is lovely,
    and that includes me!!

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    Latest Shared Story

    this poem is great, I would say..
    I loved it a lot, we need a poem for our project and I chose this one..thanks a lot..it's funny

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  8. 28. Facebook Rap

    • By Keith
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems May 2014

    This humorous poem will get every FB user laughing their socks off!

    Humorous Poem About Facebook Users

    On goes the PC
    Wonder who has messaged me
    Loading up my Facebook
    Gotta have a quick look
    Ouch, somebody's poked me
    Words with friends?
    There's just three
    I see a funny picture
    I liked it so I ticked ya
    Facebook Facebook, Facebook rap
    When this poem's done
    I'll go for a nap
    I check my FB in the morning
    and I check it in the night
    I check my FB when it's dark
    And I check it when it's light
    Oh Mr. Zucker
    What have you done
    I can't get away
    However fast I run
    Oh Facebook it's everywhere
    It's like I'm breathing it in
    It's like unnatural air
    It's illegal to have Facebook
    When you're under age
    But everywhere I go
    I hear people say
    "You got a Facebook page?"

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  9. 29. My Freaking Alarm

    I loathe my alarm clock on a work day LOL

    Waking Up In The Morning

    As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
    I enjoy the imagination inside my head
    Until I hear racket beside my bed.
    It's my 5:00 alarm!

    I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
    Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
    Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
    It's my 5:15 reminder!

    Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
    Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
    Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
    It's 7:20. I'm late!!!

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    Latest Shared Story

    The poem is absolutely cool. Man it has happened to me not more than a hundred times.

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  10. 30. I've Fallen In Love With Mr. Muscle

    • By Jamie H Scrutton
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems September 2014

    This is a comedic poem about a woman who has grown a passionate attraction to Mr. Muscle after his dedicated hygienic work around her house.

    The typical skittish behaviour when my body begins t' bustle,
    All in the fact that I've fallen in love with the one and only Mr. Muscle:
    How his passionate vibe shines when cleaning down my decks,
    As his toned, articulate body moves, rhythmical with his pecs!

    I absolutely idolize his devotedness to cleaning, the pure dedication.
    I never knew in a million years I'd fall at the feet of his fictional animation.
    Every time he appears on telly, he sends me into an ultimate lust o' dreaming,
    Of his hard grafting work of solving solutions; the Master Scientist of cleaning!

    Everyone thinks I'm CRAZY when I tell 'em that someday he'll save my fate,
    Because he's the heroic figure that loves the jobs that I certainly hate.
    You can rely on his problematic fixtures; you can abide by his terms.
    You can depend on his assurance when he says he can kill your unwanted toilet germs!

    He assassinates the horrid spiders; he know they drive me insane.
    He's the superhero with the professional touch of unclogging my dirty drain.
    He knows how to confide in a woman's animosity, when the Hygiene's repelling HELL.
    He knows how to retrieve the optimism with his magical bathroom gel!

    So divorce your apathetic husbands, sisters;
    Upgrade to a supreme man that can harbour the pressure and contain a vigorous hygiene.
    Experience the typical skittish behaviour when my body begins t' bustle,
    All in the fact that I've fallen in love with the one and only Mr. Muscle!

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  11. 31. The Poem I Did Not Wish To Write

    • By Sahana
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems May 2014

    This is my first poem..... So, please review!

    Poem About Writing Poetry

    I did not wish to write this poem,
    But it would not leave me be.
    Throughout the night,
    Throughout the day,
    No matter what, it would not go away.

    I did not wish to write this poem,
    But it took over me.
    Forced my hand to pen it down,
    My brain to think of nothing else,
    Until it was done, I knew no rest.

    I did not wish to write this poem,
    But here it is before me.
    The ghost that possessed me laid to rest.
    These last lines are the final rites,
    For the poem I did not wish to write.

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    Latest Shared Story

    Same, girl! I don't write poems either! Thanks for expressing it in poem form!

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  12. 32. Orange

    Have you ever struggled to find a word that rhymes

    Nothing Rhymes with Orange

    Now see the beautiful sunset ore the ocean blue
    Fiery colors due abound of poems there are a few
    I wish that I could write one, about that perfect hue
    But nothing rhymes with Orange

    Orchards stretch for miles, they never seem to stop
    There nectar baring fruit is one that's hard to top
    A fruit that justifies a sonnet, but might as well be rock
    But nothing rhymes with Orange

    How do I describe a basketball?
    Or the bricks within my garden wall
    The autumn leaves before they fall
    But nothing rhymes with Orange

    So the hardest line you'll ever write
    One to keep you up all night
    So please tell if you might
    What the hell rhymes with ORANGE?

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    Latest Shared Story

    This orange poem has tickled my fancy. Let me give it a go...

    Porridge is a dreary word that always rhymes with orange.
    While strawberries and blueberries may make a soothing pair....

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  13. 33. The Horse Ride

    This poem is a lyrical laugh! I hope it makes people smile.

    Taking a romantic ride today,
    We sat upon the wagon.
    Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
    And we heard a roaring dragon!

    The deafening sound hurt my ears
    And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
    My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
    Somehow my fault I suppose.

    It was my idea to take the ride,
    But how was I to know?
    It really wasn't in my plans;
    Didn't know the horse would blow.

    The noise and the smell were bad enough,
    As the wind blew quickly by.
    But I think the very worst of it,
    Was the brown stuff in my eye.

    My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
    So I figured I wouldn't dare,
    Advise her of the smelly pieces
    Of horse stuff in her hair.

    The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
    Stubbornly lifting her chin.
    I think that horse was enjoying himself,
    Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

    A lesson learned for me today.
    Although I must confess,
    I laughed so hard I nearly cried
    As I wiped away the mess.

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    Latest Shared Story

    To me this is the best poem I have read in a long time, so I am sending it to myself.

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  14. 34. I Love You/I Hate You

    • By Christina
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems October 2009

    A smoker battling with the weed.

    You're the love of my life and the cause of my strife
    You dirty cigarette
    I've made many mistakes in my many days
    But you are my one regret
    You wooed me with words like relaxing and cool
    And I believed it like a silly fool
    Now I'm all wheezy, spluttering and choking
    All because of the ciggies I'm smoking.
    You had me hooked on the very first try
    And I love you but I'll hate you till I die
    And that day will come more soon than late
    If we continue this affair where my lungs are a state
    Yes even though it will break my heart
    The time has come for us to part
    So long my slim and smoldering friend
    This is it, this is the end
    No more smelly puffs for me
    You are now stubbed out and I am free

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    Latest Shared Story

    I love this poem! It really hits home. I've been a cancer survivor for eight years, and I'm still smoking cigarettes. Although, I've been cutting down. Now it's a half pack a day instead of...

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  15. 35. Requiem For Old Shoes

    • By Robert Armitage
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems May 2014

    I would have described this poem as sentimental rather than funny. Though I suppose you could say mock-sentimental. It originally came from an exercise, in a creative writing group, which was to describe a pair of old shoes, so the reader thought of death, without that word being mentioned.

    The original version perhaps did that best with the first line - "They walked through life together" and another line about corpses cold. However the death stipulation is unnecessary here.

    Poem About the Life of Shoes

    They looked good, at first, together,
    tight laced and polished smart,
    but wear and tear destroyed them:
    A tale to break your heart!

    They cannot speak,
    for their tongues are torn,
    yet leathery wrinkles convey
    that treatment is rough
    and times are tough,
    being trod on, day after day.

    Down at heel,
    scuffed at toe
    and moving
    'mongst the low,
    their soles both left their bodies
    'cause the stitches, all, did go.

    Soil, not socks, now fills them
    and hollow are their eyes,
    within a peaceful garden
    each flower atop them sighs.

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    Latest Shared Story

    Loved this poem. Very smart and funny too. Well done!

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  16. 36. Archemedes Was All Wet

    • By Robert Z
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems May 2014

    After spending over 40 years as an academic and industrial research chemist, I have become intrigued with the large number of important scientific discoveries that have been advanced through serendipity and humor.

    Most of the chemists and physicists that I have had the pleasure to work with could easily start a second career as stand-up comedians. The public at large, especially young people, need to know that working as a scientist, although very challenging, is never dull or boring!

    Humorous Poem About Testing Gold

    King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
    "Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
    Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
    The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
    "Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
    Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
    The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
    His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
    He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
    He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
    "The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
    When any golden solid has a density too low!"
    "Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
    Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

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  17. 37. The Car

    • By Ron Miler
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems May 2014

    Ever have car trouble and the explanation of the problems can be very confusing especially for us not car repair people? Sometimes the explanation could just as well be in Greek.

    Funny Poem About Not Understanding Your Mechanic

    I was heading south to the city's biggest shopping center
    To get a steak and other things that I could eat for dinner.
    Then I noticed, luckily, I was nearly out of gas.
    So, I headed for the Stall-Mart store out near the overpass.
    Just as I pulled up, the engine somehow died.
    I couldn't get it started no matter how I tried.
    At that moment I noticed an old man walking with a cane.
    He cringed each time he stepped as if he was in pain.
    With a toothless smile, he asked me, "Fella, what's the problem?"
    I told him that my car just died and problems, man, I got 'em.
    He said, "Give me a few minutes to find out why it's dead."
    He opened the hood and in just thirty seconds he turned to me and said,
    "Hmmmmmm......Well........
    You have a blasticated unicellular caustic tad malfunction.
    The generator pottsigraft has lost most of it's suction.
    You have tubular antispiral mispopulated slippage.
    And the plastic-nozzeled harpsitube needs a brand new tippage.
    The lesser of all your problems that I find you got
    Is that the double crypted intake valve really squeaks a lot.
    And my professional assessment that I've done thus far,
    Tells me that this heap is crap and you need another car.
    I can sell you a slightly used cream-puff if you want to take her.
    It's a 19 and 43 fully loaded Studebaker.
    It runs real good and looks real sharp and has only a few small dents.
    I'll let you have it for 600 dollars and 37 cents,
    Plus my complete diagnostic examination that I've done today.
    So can we make a gentleman's deal? What do you have to say?"
    Hmmmm....
    As I was walking home I noticed a shiny bicycle for sale.......

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    Latest Shared Story

    Yeah, it did. It's called a cliff hanger, so all in all they did have a proper ending. *shrug

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  18. 38. The Most Horrible Treat

    • By Clothes Like Those
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems February 2015

    Something I regret...

    Funny Poem About Eating Anything

    It seemed like a good idea at the time,
    But looking back now I cringe just a little.
    I was so hungry and it WAS once mine,
    The week old milk and peanut butter brittle.

    It wasn't just the smell,
    No it was something much worse,
    Yet I had nothing to rid me of this unquenchable thirst

    The crust was thick and the color was off,
    The smell was foul and made me cough.
    Not before long the stench filled the air,
    What's that?
    Oh goodness, do I see a hair?

    Now wait just a minute, this isn't fair,
    Oh please, I'm so hungry, what else is there?
    I looked in the pantry and I looked in fridge,
    I'll go to the store sooner or later.

    The most horrible snack,
    When nothing to eat,
    I admit it, I did it,
    I ate the gross treat.

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  19. 39. Smarter Than Him

    • By Nick Philips
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems January 2009

    One time, my little brother and I locked one of my older brothers in the closet for whatever reason (you know how older brothers sometimes are). I put my little brother (very young) on sentry duty while I went out to do something, and when I got back, the closet was empty. Now this story has sort of become a running gag in my family, to my little bro's dismay. This poem is speculative, at best, though based partly on what my big bro told me.

    I locked my brother in a closet
    T'see what he would do.
    And jus' before I think he lost it,
    He thoughta something new:

    "Ha-ha!" he said-I thought, "Oh, dear"-
    "You know, I think I got it!
    I'm not locked insida here,
    I locked you outta the closet!"

    "Nuh-uh!" I said; he disagreed,
    So I opened the door on a whim
    To prove, before he made me bleed,
    That I was smarta than him.

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  20. 40. Ripped Pants, Broken Heart

    I ripped my pants at the knee today. In my distress, I mourned them for nearly thirteen minutes. This poem will be read as a eulogy at the funeral, where all my pants' friends-including that weird kilt they met once, will attend. Please be mindful of this somber affair, as I need time to recover from the loss.

    Humorous Poem About Ripping Pants

    I lived my life, I tried my best to follow all my dreams.
    My great endeavors were forever bursting at the seams.
    And though I tried to love what's mine, I failed and I confess
    My bony knees made pants like these suffer much distress

    I heard a tearing sound, and I thought it was my heart
    When I looked down with a frown, my pants did fall apart.
    The ripping sound was not around at the greatest time
    For when my knee skin felt cold air, it was less than sublime

    And now I live my life, knee bare against the world alone.
    Now everyone can plainly see my pale skin, joint, and bone.
    My ripped up pants, like Frankenstein, I may just sew together
    Or perhaps make my pants shorts to wear in warmer weather.

    My pants are done, I have moved on. They've done their master well.
    And pants don't live forever, not as far as I can tell.
    But there's one problem I can't solve, and it I truly hate.
    Does one bury their old dead pants, or do they just cremate?

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    Latest Shared Story

    This is one of the best humor poems I have ever read!! I remember reciting the poem in a competition in grade seven. Not only did it win me first prize, it also got me a lot of praise....

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