Humorous Poems

Humorous Poems

Comical and Amusing Poems

Humorous poetry has been written for thousands of years. Many of us do not know that the nursery rhymes that we sang as kids were made up to convey information of a delicate political nature encoded in what sounds like a silly children's song. Living in the western world, we are lucky enough to be able (in some cases) to freely speak our minds. However, we cannot take for granted the medium of humor as a way to convey information that may be politically dangerous.

43 Short and Long Humorous Poems

  1. 1. The Three Little Pigs

    This poem was published in Revolting Rhymes, a collection of six Roald Dahl poems published in 1982. Each poem is a parody of a traditional folk tale. He provides a re-interpretation and surprise ending instead of the traditional happily-ever-after ending. In this poem with gory twists, Roald Dahl combines the characters in the Three Little Pigs story with Little Red Riding Hood.

    The animal I really dig,
    Above all others is the pig.
    Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever,
    Pigs are courteous. However,
    Now and then, to break this rule,
    One meets a pig who is a fool.
    What, for example, would you say,
    If strolling through the woods one day,
    Right there in front of you you saw
    A pig who'd built his house of STRAW?
    The Wolf who saw it licked his lips,
    And said, 'That pig has had his chips.'
    'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'
    'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'
    'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'

    The little pig began to pray,
    But Wolfie blew his house away.
    He shouted, 'Bacon, pork and ham!
    Oh, what a lucky Wolf I am!'
    And though he ate the pig quite fast,
    He carefully kept the tail till last.
    Wolf wandered on, a trifle bloated.
    Surprise, surprise, for soon he noted
    Another little house for pigs,
    And this one had been built of TWIGS!

    'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'
    'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'
    'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'

    The Wolf said, 'Okay, here we go!'
    He then began to blow and blow.
    The little pig began to squeal.
    He cried, 'Oh Wolf, you've had one meal!
    Why can't we talk and make a deal?
    The Wolf replied, 'Not on your nelly!'
    And soon the pig was in his belly.

    'Two juicy little pigs!' Wolf cried,
    'But still I'm not quite satisfied!
    I know how full my tummy's bulging,
    But oh, how I adore indulging.'
    So creeping quietly as a mouse,
    The Wolf approached another house,
    A house which also had inside
    A little piggy trying to hide.
    'You'll not get me!' the Piggy cried.
    'I'll blow you down!' the Wolf replied.
    'You'll need,' Pig said, 'a lot of puff,
    And I don't think you've got enough.'
    Wolf huffed and puffed and blew and blew.
    The house stayed up as good as new.
    'If I can't blow it down,' Wolf said,
    I'll have to blow it up instead.
    I'll come back in the dead of night
    And blow it up with dynamite!'
    Pig cried, 'You brute! I might have known!'
    Then, picking up the telephone,
    He dialed as quickly as he could
    The number of red Riding Hood.

    'Hello,' she said. 'Who's speaking? Who?
    Oh, hello, Piggy, how d'you do?'
    Pig cried, 'I need your help, Miss Hood!
    Oh help me, please! D'you think you could?'
    'I'll try of course,' Miss Hood replied.
    'What's on your mind...?' 'A Wolf!' Pig cried.
    'I know you've dealt with wolves before,
    And now I've got one at my door!'

    'My darling Pig,' she said, 'my sweet,
    That's something really up my street.
    I've just begun to wash my hair.
    But when it's dry, I'll be right there.'

    A short while later, through the wood,
    Came striding brave Miss Riding Hood.
    The Wolf stood there, his eyes ablaze,
    And yellowish, like mayonnaise.
    His teeth were sharp, his gums were raw,
    And spit was dripping from his jaw.
    Once more the maiden's eyelid flickers.
    She draws the pistol from her knickers.
    Once more she hits the vital spot,
    And kills him with a single shot.
    Pig, peeping through the window, stood
    And yelled, 'Well done, Miss Riding Hood!'

    Ah, Piglet, you must never trust
    Young ladies from the upper crust.
    For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes,
    Not only has two wolfskin coats,
    But when she goes from place to place,
    She has a PIGSKIN TRAVELING CASE.

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    This is an unanticipated and unexpected poem. Though the title sounds childish, it is a complete transformation of the story Three Little Pigs! Roald Dahl has a creative mind which I...

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  3. 2. Cinderella

    This poem was published in Revolting Rhymes, a collection of six Roald Dahl poems published in 1982. Each poem is a parody of a traditional folk tale. He provides a re-interpretation and surprise ending instead of the traditional happily-ever-after ending. This poem shows a different side of the Cinderella story that everyone knows. It has some gory twists and turns.

    I guess you think you know this story.
    You don't. The real one's much more gory.
    The phoney one, the one you know,
    Was cooked up years and years ago,
    And made to sound all soft and sappy
    just to keep the children happy.
    Mind you, they got the first bit right,
    The bit where, in the dead of night,
    The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,
    Departed for the Palace Ball,
    While darling little Cinderella
    Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
    Where rats who wanted things to eat,
    Began to nibble at her feet.

    She bellowed 'Help!' and 'Let me out!
    The Magic Fairy heard her shout.
    Appearing in a blaze of light,
    She said: 'My dear, are you all right?'
    'All right?' cried Cindy .'Can't you see
    'I feel as rotten as can be!'
    She beat her fist against the wall,
    And shouted, 'Get me to the Ball!
    'There is a Disco at the Palace!
    'The rest have gone and I am jealous!
    'I want a dress! I want a coach!
    'And earrings and a diamond brooch!
    'And silver slippers, two of those!
    'And lovely nylon panty hose!
    'Done up like that I'll guarantee
    'The handsome Prince will fall for me!'
    The Fairy said, 'Hang on a tick.'
    She gave her wand a mighty flick
    And quickly, in no time at all,
    Cindy was at the Palace Ball!

    It made the Ugly Sisters wince
    To see her dancing with the Prince.
    She held him very tight and pressed
    herself against his manly chest.
    The Prince himself was turned to pulp,
    All he could do was gasp and gulp.
    Then midnight struck. She shouted, 'Heck!
    I've got to run to save my neck!'
    The Prince cried, 'No! Alas! Alack!'
    He grabbed her dress to hold her back.
    As Cindy shouted, 'Let me go!'
    The dress was ripped from head to toe.

    She ran out in her underwear,
    And lost one slipper on the stair.
    The Prince was on it like a dart,
    He pressed it to his pounding heart,
    'The girl this slipper fits,' he cried,
    'Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!
    I'll visit every house in town
    'Until I've tracked the maiden down!'
    Then rather carelessly, I fear,
    He placed it on a crate of beer.

    At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,
    (The one whose face was blotched with blisters)
    Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,
    And quickly flushed it down the loo.
    Then in its place she calmly put
    The slipper from her own left foot.
    Ah ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,
    And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.

    Next day, the Prince went charging down
    To knock on all the doors in town.
    In every house, the tension grew.
    Who was the owner of the shoe?
    The shoe was long and very wide.
    (A normal foot got lost inside.)
    Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
    (The owner's feet were hot and sticky.)
    Thousands of eager people came
    To try it on, but all in vain.
    Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.
    One tried it on. The Prince screamed, 'No!'
    But she screamed, 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!
    'So now you've got to marry me!'
    The Prince went white from ear to ear.
    He muttered, 'Let me out of here.'
    'Oh no you don't! You made a vow!
    'There's no way you can back out now!'
    'Off with her head!' The Prince roared back.
    They chopped it off with one big whack.
    This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,
    'She's prettier without her head.'
    Then up came Sister Number Two,
    Who yelled, 'Now I will try the shoe!'
    'Try this instead!' the Prince yelled back.
    He swung his trusty sword and smack
    Her head went crashing to the ground.
    It bounced a bit and rolled around.
    In the kitchen, peeling spuds,
    Cinderella heard the thuds
    Of bouncing heads upon the floor,
    And poked her own head round the door.
    'What's all the racket? 'Cindy cried.
    'Mind your own bizz,' the Prince replied.
    Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.
    My Prince! she thought. He chops off heads!
    How could I marry anyone
    Who does that sort of thing for fun?

    The Prince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut?
    'Off with her nut! Off with her nut!'
    Just then, all in a blaze of light,
    The Magic Fairy hove in sight,
    Her Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!
    'Cindy! 'she cried, 'come make a wish!
    'Wish anything and have no doubt
    'That I will make it come about!'
    Cindy answered, 'Oh kind Fairy,
    'This time I shall be more wary.
    'No more Princes, no more money.
    'I have had my taste of honey.
    I'm wishing for a decent man.
    'They're hard to find. D'you think you can?'
    Within a minute, Cinderella
    Was married to a lovely feller,
    A simple jam maker by trade,
    Who sold good home-made marmalade.
    Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
    And they were happy ever after.

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    Yes, Roald Dahl has a whole book of revolting rhymes like this one. You should read it. Hilarious.

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  5. 3. The Pig

    In this poem, Roald Dahl shares about a pig that contemplates his purpose in life. When he realizes he is going to end up on someone’s dinner plate, he takes matters into his own hands. Roald Dahl’s poems and stories are known for dark humor and unexpected endings.

    In England once there lived a big
    And wonderfully clever pig.
    To everybody it was plain
    That Piggy had a massive brain.
    He worked out sums inside his head,
    There was no book he hadn't read.
    He knew what made an airplane fly,
    He knew how engines worked and why.
    He knew all this, but in the end
    One question drove him round the bend:
    He simply couldn't puzzle out
    What LIFE was really all about.
    What was the reason for his birth?
    Why was he placed upon this earth?
    His giant brain went round and round.
    Alas, no answer could be found.
    Till suddenly one wondrous night.
    All in a flash he saw the light.
    He jumped up like a ballet dancer
    And yelled, 'By gum, I've got the answer! '
    'They want my bacon slice by slice
    'To sell at a tremendous price!
    'They want my tender juicy chops
    'To put in all the butcher's shops!
    'They want my pork to make a roast
    'And that's the part'll cost the most!
    'They want my sausages in strings!
    'They even want my chitterlings!
    'The butcher's shop! The carving knife!
    'That is the reason for my life! '
    Such thoughts as these are not designed
    To give a pig great peace of mind.
    Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,
    A pail of pigswill in his hand,
    And piggy with a mighty roar,
    Bashes the farmer to the floor…
    Now comes the rather grisly bit
    So let's not make too much of it,
    Except that you must understand
    That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,
    He ate him up from head to toe,
    Chewing the pieces nice and slow.
    It took an hour to reach the feet,
    Because there was so much to eat,
    And when he finished, Pig, of course,
    Felt absolutely no remorse.
    Slowly he scratched his brainy head
    And with a little smile he said,
    'I had a fairly powerful hunch
    'That he might have me for his lunch.
    'And so, because I feared the worst,
    'I thought I'd better eat him first.'

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    I like this poem because it is contrary to what is normal, as the pig tries to eat the farmer instead of the other way around and it shows the power of humans over all other living things....

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  6. 4. Smart Phone - Dumb User

    As I grow older, I find that technology gets more and more frightening, every day. Maybe I should go live in the woods.

    New Technology And Old People

    My new phone is "smart." I guess that I'm not.
    Amazing what all this here smart phone has got.
    TV and Weather and Internet, too.
    There's just no limits to what it can do.
    Check my blood pressure and my temperature
    Without even probing all my apertures.
    I now know the time in Paris or Greece.
    I can track the migration of thousands of geese
    Or find Chinese food; it's here on this map.
    Oops, my finger just slipped, now where was that at?
    A camera...a CAMERA! Now I can take shots
    Of everyone I know (who'd rather I not).
    Push this here button and take me a "selfie."
    (If it had a nose would this thing take a "smellfie"?)
    Email to pester with, video to shoot,
    Maps to drive 'round with, wow that's a hoot!
    A compass to guide me home if I'm lost.
    Thank God work paid for this thing (what it COSTS!).
    The things that it does would amaze Mr. Bell.
    What he would have thought of it, no one can tell,
    But one question's still stuck in my middle-aged craw.
    Despite all the gizmos that strike me with awe,
    They're fun and they're useful and "techy" and all
    ...But how do I just simply make a phone call?

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    Just a note of appreciation to Mr. Cotton. My 10-year-old son selected this poem for his poetry recital (google search: funny poems over 1 minute) and won first place out of over 200...

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  7. 5. Little Red Riding Hood And The Wolf

    This poem was published in Revolting Rhymes, a collection of six Roald Dahl poems published in 1982. Each poem is a parody of a traditional folk tale. He provides a re-interpretation and surprise ending instead of the traditional happily-ever-after ending. Read to find out the gory twist in this Little Red Riding Hood story.

    As soon as Wolf began to feel
    That he would like a decent meal,
    He went and knocked on Grandma's door.
    When Grandma opened it, she saw
    The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,
    And Wolfie said, 'May I come in?'
    Poor Grandmamma was terrified,
    'He's going to eat me up!' she cried.
    And she was absolutely right.
    He ate her up in one big bite.
    But Grandmamma was small and tough,
    And Wolfie wailed, 'That's not enough!
    I haven't yet begun to feel
    That I have had a decent meal!'
    He ran around the kitchen yelping,
    'I've got to have a second helping!'

    Then added with a frightful leer,
    'I'm therefore going to wait right here
    Till Little Miss Red Riding Hood
    Comes home from walking in the wood.'

    He quickly put on Grandma's clothes,
    (Of course he hadn't eaten those).
    He dressed himself in coat and hat.
    He put on shoes, and after that,
    He even brushed and curled his hair,
    Then sat himself in Grandma's chair.

    In came the little girl in red.
    She stopped. She stared. And then she said,
    'What great big ears you have, Grandma.'
    'All the better to hear you with,'
    the Wolf replied.
    'What great big eyes you have, Grandma.'
    said Little Red Riding Hood.
    'All the better to see you with,'
    the Wolf replied.
    He sat there watching her and smiled.
    He thought, I'm going to eat this child.
    Compared with her old Grandmamma,
    She's going to taste like caviar.

    Then Little Red Riding Hood said, '
    But Grandma, what a lovely great big
    furry coat you have on.'

    'That's wrong!' cried Wolf.
    'Have you forgot
    To tell me what BIG TEETH I've got?
    Ah well, no matter what you say,
    I'm going to eat you anyway.'

    The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers.
    She whips a pistol from her knickers.
    She aims it at the creature's head,
    And bang bang bang, she shoots him dead.

    A few weeks later, in the wood,
    I came across Miss Riding Hood.
    But what a change! No cloak of red,
    No silly hood upon her head.
    She said, 'Hello, and do please note
    My lovely furry wolfskin coat.'

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    Hi, my name is Mary, and I really like to read the Roald Dahl poems because they are really funny.

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  8. 6. A Boy Named Sue

    "A Boy Named Sue" is a poem by Shel Silverstein that has been made popular by Johnny Cash. Cash was at the height of his popularity when he recorded the song live at California's San Quentin State Prison at a concert on February 24, 1969. The concert was filmed by Granada Television for later television broadcast. The audio of the concert was later released on Cash's At San Quentin album. Cash also performed the song (with comical variations on the original performance) in December 1969 at Madison Square Garden.

    Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
    and he didn't leave much to Ma and me,
    just this old guitar and a bottle of booze.
    Now I don't blame him because he run and hid,
    but the meanest thing that he ever did was
    before he left he went and named me Sue.

    Well, he must have thought it was quite a joke,
    and it got lots of laughs from a lot of folks,
    it seems I had to fight my whole life through.
    Some gal would giggle and I'd get red
    and some guy would laugh and I'd bust his head,
    I tell you, life ain't easy for a boy named Sue.

    Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean.
    My fist got hard and my wits got keen.
    Roamed from town to town to hide my shame,
    but I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
    I'd search the honky tonks and bars and kill
    that man that gave me that awful name.

    But it was Gatlinburg in mid July and I had
    just hit town and my throat was dry.
    I'd thought i'd stop and have myself a brew.
    At an old saloon in a street of mud
    and at a table dealing stud sat the dirty,
    mangy dog that named me Sue.

    Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad
    from a worn-out picture that my mother had
    and I knew the scar on his cheek and his evil eye.
    He was big and bent and gray and old
    and I looked at him and my blood ran cold,
    and I said, "My name is Sue. How do you do?
    Now you're gonna die." Yeah, that's what I told him.

    Well, I hit him right between the eyes and he went down
    but to my surprise he came up with a knife
    and cut off a piece of my ear. But I busted a chair
    right across his teeth. And we crashed through
    the wall and into the street kicking and a-gouging
    in the mud and the blood and the beer.

    I tell you I've fought tougher men but I really can't remember when.
    He kicked like a mule and bit like a crocodile.
    I heard him laughin' and then I heard him cussin',
    he went for his gun and I pulled mine first.
    He stood there looking at me and I saw him smile.

    And he said, "Son, this world is rough and if
    a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
    and I knew I wouldn't be there to help you along.
    So I gave you that name and I said 'Goodbye'.
    I knew you'd have to get tough or die. And it's
    that name that helped to make you strong."

    Yeah, he said, "Now you have just fought one
    helluva fight, and I know you hate me and you've
    got the right to kill me now and I wouldn't blame you
    if you do. But you ought to thank me
    before I die for the gravel in your guts and the spit
    in your eye because I'm the guy that named you Sue."
    Yeah, what could I do? What could I do?

    I got all choked up and I threw down my gun,
    called him pa and he called me a son,
    and I came away with a different point of view
    and I think about him now and then.
    Every time I tried, every time I win and if I
    ever have a son I think I am gonna name him
    Bill or George - anything but Sue.

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    Johnny Cash was the right person to sing these lyrics. He made an interesting song from an awesome poem. Very entertaining. Love it!
    Jac. Judy A. Campbell

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  9. 7. Confessions Of A Serial Plant Killer

    Limericks about not having a Green Thumb, This poem is written in limerick form. I enjoy writing humorous rhyming poems, and this one is based on my personal experience (or should I say, lack of experience) with indoor plants.

    Oh, I wish that I had a green thumb.
    All my houseplants are looking quite glum.
    I never can tell
    Why they're looking unwell
    Or why so many succumb.

    Have I failed to give enough water?
    Have I watered them more than I oughta?
    Are they getting too hot?
    Is this not the right spot?
    It's like sending poor lambs to the slaughter.

    The hard, undeniable fact is
    Many succulents, ferns and a cactus,
    A begonia, a fig,
    Many palms, small and big,
    Have been victims of my malpractice.

    I confess I'm a serial killer.
    Many end up as mulch or land filler.
    I kill far more plants
    Than snails, thrips or ants.
    Or an army of green caterpillar!

    Though houseplants are deemed beneficial,
    Should these perish, then it is official:
    I'll waste no more dough
    Just to watch 'em die slow,
    For my next plants will be artificial!

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    Greetings, fellow Aussie! Yes, "the care we inflict"....well put. Thanks, Raelene, for the kind feedback.

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  10. 8. Dead Is Dead

    When my father died some 30 years ago, his brother called and told me my dad had "expired." I wondered why he just didn't tell me he died. Since that time I have collected a list of euphemisms available for those who find it difficult to inform someone of a close relative's death by telling how it is. I find some of them quite funny, and perhaps you will too. I hope to hear from you sometime before I "occupy a horizontal phone booth."

    Funny Poem About Death

    When somebody dies, folks hardly ever say "dead."
    They prefer "expired" or "departed" instead.
    Most of the euphemisms don't do any harm,
    Like "biting the dust" or "buying the farm."

    There are "fallen off the perch" and "given up the ghost."
    "Taking a dirt nap" is one I like most.
    "Kicked the oxygen habit" and "gone offline"
    Are a couple favorites of mine.

    How about "at room temperature" or "fell off the twig,"
    "Wearing a toe tag" or "played his last gig"?
    "Bought a pine condo" and "six feet under,"
    "Became a root inspector" makes one wonder.

    Try "went belly up" and "bit the biscuit."
    "Laid down his burden" and never missed it.
    "Gone to his maker" and "out of print,"
    "In a horizontal phone booth" for a permanent stint.

    "Defunct," "extinct," and "in the crisper."
    Most say 'em no louder than a whisper.
    "Gone to sleep city" and "passed his sell by date,"
    "Cashed in his chips at the pearly gate."

    Now we could go on, but you get the point.
    Have a fun in life before "checking out of this joint,"
    And should you come to my funeral, don't bring a thing.
    Just sit back and listen to the fat lady sing.

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    I found this poem very refreshing and true. Very good.

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  11. 9. The Crazy Flu

    With the flu season upon us, having the flu can be miserable. If we can see some humor in it, it could be good for the soul.

    There once was a girl named Sue.
    She came down with the case of the flu.
    She let out a sigh,
    "My temperature is high,
    what ever shall I do?
    Oh my! Oh my!
    I think I will die.
    What ever shall I do?"

    So, she stumbled out of bed.
    "I know I'll take some meds.
    If this the flu,
    I take an aspirin or two.
    Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
    Oh my! Oh my!"
    she began to cry.
    "I think this is acute."

    So, she grumbled back to bed
    and pulled the covers over her head.
    She let out a sneeze,
    a cough and a wheeze.
    "Won't someone help me, please?
    Oh my! Oh my!
    Will I survive
    the case of the crazy flu?"

    So, she finally fell asleep.
    She slept and slept for a week.
    She tossed and turned,
    her symptoms have passed.
    Her temperature normal at last.
    "Oh my! Oh my!
    I think I survived
    this case of the crazy flu."

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  12. 10. The Neighbour's Dog

    Based on a true event. A neighbours barking dog led Bazza to howl and bark in the middle of the road with unexpected consequences.

    Barking Dogs And Their Consequences

    Our street was once a peaceful place
    Kids played and you could jog
    But our tranquil life was shattered
    When the neighbour got a dog.

    The thing would howl all through the day
    And even after dark
    And just as you tried to go to sleep...
    The mongrel thing would bark.

    It soiled all the lawns, but his
    It chased the Postie's bike
    And anyone who whined at all
    Was told to "Take a hike!"

    Old Bazza asked the owner straight
    To silence the ugly brute
    But the neighbour said
    "My dog don't bark!"
    "And I think he's rather cute."

    The neighbourhood was up in arms
    So of his own volition
    Old Bazza went from door to door
    And took up a petition.

    The Council gravely listened
    Then notified the Pound
    Who gave the bloke a warning
    But didn't take the hound.

    One night Bazza came home late
    (He'd had a lot to drink)
    And when the thing began to howl
    It pushed him to the brink.

    He parked the car down near the curb
    Then with bonnet lifted wide
    He blasted on the air horns
    Until the battery died.

    Not satisfied his point was made
    Into the street he strode
    Then barked and howled for all to hear
    In the middle of the road.

    "Woof Woof, Bloody Woof Woof!"
    He yelled it out with force
    Until all the neighbours were awake
    And he was nearly hoarse.

    But his goings-on were tempered
    By a team of Police in black
    Who suddenly appeared en masse
    And cut short his attack.

    They tackled him and put him down
    His shorts and shirt were torn
    His face was in the wood chip
    And his hair wore bits of lawn.

    Now Bazza is a legend
    And he takes great pains to tell
    How the mutt next door could howl and bark
    And give the neighbours hell

    He could foul the grass and bite the kids
    And never get molested
    But when Bazza tried to do the same
    He promptly got arrested.

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    I enjoy writing poetry about real events and real people. The "Bazza" who's featured in many of my poems is a quirky character whose fondness for the practical joke often gets him into...

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  13. 11. How High's The Snowfall, Mama?

    In the 1960's, Johnny Cash sang a tongue-in-cheek song about excessive rainfall called, "How High's the Water, Mama?" I decided to write a funny one about snow. I hope you see the humor in it, but in some areas this is no joke! My apologies to Johnny and all those affected by this increasing weather problem.

    Funny Poem About Dealing With A Huge Snowfall

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "One foot high and rising!"

    I'll eat my food and watch the game.
    The snow last year was just the same.
    I'll gorge myself and loosen my belt.
    I know that stuff will only melt.

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "Two feet high and rising!"

    Don't worry Mama, it's okay.
    An early thaw is on the way!
    Relax, my dear, enjoy the fire.
    This snow won't make it any higher!

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "Four feet high and rising!!"

    Okay! Okay! We'll compromise!

    I'll get the shovels, you get the guys!
    Let's bring this white stuff down to size!
    It won't take long to make the run.
    We'll build a snowman when we're done!

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "Six feet high and rising!!"

    We cleared a path to the outhouse now,
    Thanks to our trusty John Deere plow!
    You gotta go? Then do it soon,
    Or you might not make back 'til June!

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "Eight feet high and rising!!!"

    The snow's still comin'! It's gotten colder!
    Better get the front-end loader!
    And we might need an army tank!
    We just lost Fred in a huge snowbank!

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "Land sakes!! It's ten feet high and rising!!!!"

    The outhouse now is not in sight!
    I gotta whiz, but that's all right!
    Make sure you got some pots to spare,
    We're gonna need to go...somewhere!

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "(Sigh).... Take a look outside!!!"

    We gotta get this window cleared!
    Frank and Tom have disappeared!
    It's buried our new car and truck!
    It looks like we're plum outta luck!!

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "Zzzzz... Zzzzz... Zzzzz... Zzzzz...."

    Well I'm tired, too, so I'm relaxing,
    Even though the roof's collapsing!
    It's nice and warm here by the fire.
    I know this snow won't get no higher!

    Oh, no!!!......We're outta firewood!!!!
    .........MAMA!!!!!

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  14. 12. My Freaking Alarm

    I loathe my alarm clock on a work day LOL

    Waking Up In The Morning

    As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
    I enjoy the imagination inside my head
    Until I hear racket beside my bed.
    It's my 5:00 alarm!

    I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
    Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
    Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
    It's my 5:15 reminder!

    Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
    Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
    Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
    It's 7:20. I'm late!!!

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    The poem is absolutely cool. Man it has happened to me not more than a hundred times.

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  15. 13. The Ballad Of Daylight Savings Time

    Every year, it rolls around, to be greeted with groans, eye-rolling, and an intense desire to sleep in late. Yet we dutifully do it. Is there a bonus to Daylight savings Time? Hmmmmm.

    What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
    It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
    Roll out of bed and take a breath
    And feel like microwaved-reheated death

    Seven o'clock? That just can't be
    It's way too dark out there to see
    Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
    To get my sluggish body up

    And hit the road before the sun
    For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
    It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
    My head is just now barely clear

    Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
    I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
    The end of day has almost come
    The day flew by...it's almost done!

    Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
    I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

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    Daylight saving can either be a blessing or a curse. Thanks for the laugh. Australia is currently enjoying summer daylight saving time. Loved the verse.

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  16. 14. A 21st Century Visit From Santa

    • By Brooke Jones
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems December 2010

    The classic "A Visit From Santa" MEETS Thomas Friedman's "The World Is Flat" in what could well become a new holiday classic. The birth of the world wide web has changed everything, forever, and for those not prepared, earning a living could be a challenge.

    T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house
    Not a creature was sleeping -- not pet, child or spouse.
    The people were tossing and turning in beds
    With visions of bills dancing 'round in their heads.
    Their wood chairs were stacked in the fireplace by three's
    If it burns through the night then the family won't freeze.

    Then out on the street they heard glass start to shatter
    They jumped up in fright with their teeth all a-chatter
    They peeked out their windows and under the stars,
    saw a red-suited fat man repossessing their cars.
    He tied each to his sled and affixed them with chains
    Then plopped in his seat and snapped with his reins:

    "On Beemer, on Caddie, on Lexus, and Ford,
    On Volvo, on Prius, on Honda Accord."

    Then off he did fly like a lumbering float
    But not before he had texted this note:

    "Beware dear America, for you've not seen the light
    You still think 'the good life' is your natural birth right.
    Thanks to Internet access, this world's grown quite small
    The Windows are open where once there were walls.
    The Earth may look round, but it's flattening fast
    And those now in first place may soon be in last.

    Study science and math -- learn a skill that is new,
    If you don't, your job prospects are sure to be few.
    Your Santa's been outsourced -- I'm a Bangalore Gnome
    Your bank has just emailed -- they've foreclosed on your home
    And not long ago your boss faxed to say
    You've just lost your job and your 401-K"

    Then off in the distance we heard him opine:
    "There are millions in Asia now standing in line!
    Merry Christmas to all and to all lots o' luck
    Take heed of my words or you'll surely be *^#*ed".

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    Why does this sound like it may happen... Awesome poem by the way.

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  17. 15. The Snakes At School

    Based on a true story. A typically Australian story. The snakes were all recovered and returned to their creek, but important lessons had been learned.

    A Practical Joke Backfired

    It wasn't that we hated school.
    The creek enticed us more.
    My mate and I hung out there
    To chase frogs, catch fish, explore.

    One day we built a fortress,
    Moved rocks and tied some stakes.
    Then we saw a wondrous sight -
    A ball of baby snakes.

    We should have pondered longer,
    But we thought our find so cool.
    We stuffed the snakes into our bags
    And took them back to school.

    Just as the school bell jangled
    And the halls began to fill,
    We flung the snakes along the floor.
    Then screams rang loud and shrill.

    We expected just a ripple,
    A tiny bit of fun.
    Some girls might get a little fright
    And some may even run.

    Instead, it was a tidal wave.
    Chairs and lockers tumbled
    As kids and teachers panicked.
    Our confidence soon crumbled.

    The hallway was a war zone.
    The floor all strewn with rubble.
    Though the baby snakes were harmless,
    We knew we were in trouble.

    Our tender ages saved us.
    We learned we crossed a line.
    They talked of court and consequences
    And preached "moral decline."

    But we learned some worthy lessons
    Though were left in some confusion.
    When our penalty for wagging school
    Was to get a week's exclusion.

    And though we were repentant
    And we did receive a fright,
    Others often broke the rules
    And their punishment seemed light.

    They swore and called the teacher names.
    We saw them fight and smoke,
    But we learned that day the greater sin
    Was to play a practical joke.

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  18. 16. Orange

    Have you ever struggled to find a word that rhymes

    Nothing Rhymes with Orange

    Now see the beautiful sunset ore the ocean blue
    Fiery colors due abound of poems there are a few
    I wish that I could write one, about that perfect hue
    But nothing rhymes with Orange

    Orchards stretch for miles, they never seem to stop
    There nectar baring fruit is one that's hard to top
    A fruit that justifies a sonnet, but might as well be rock
    But nothing rhymes with Orange

    How do I describe a basketball?
    Or the bricks within my garden wall
    The autumn leaves before they fall
    But nothing rhymes with Orange

    So the hardest line you'll ever write
    One to keep you up all night
    So please tell if you might
    What the hell rhymes with ORANGE?

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    This orange poem has tickled my fancy. Let me give it a go...

    Porridge is a dreary word that always rhymes with orange.
    While strawberries and blueberries may make a soothing pair....

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  19. 17. Growing Old

    I began writing poetry in middle age. For about 5 years I lived aboard a yacht in remote areas of Australia, mostly in the Torres Strait. We had intermittent TV and radio signal depending on the anchorage and I began writing poems for family and friends for special occasions. The majority of my poems have a whimsical quality and this poem is no exception. It takes a humorous look at how we deal with the ravages of aging and particularly strikes a chord with women of middle age and older.

    A Humorous Take On Our Efforts To Appear Young

    They said I was an "old fart"
    But I hardly think that's true
    My boobs were done in '75
    But my teeth and knees are new.

    And since my eyes were lasered
    I have 20/20 sight
    Though I like to sit on 50 k
    And hate to drive at night.

    All in all I object to "old"
    But "fart" is another matter
    For I think the valves that seal the gas
    Now leak as I've got fatter.

    To add to the indignity
    And make me feel antique
    Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
    I spring a little leak.

    So if you're feeling young and smug
    With a body like brand new
    Just remember in 30 years
    This figure may be you!

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  20. 18. Our TV Set Was Black And White

    I was reminiscing about the early days of television before the advent of the remote control, recorders, twin tuners, streaming, etc. We now take for granted the technology that allows us so much choice (some would say too much choice) as to what we watch and when and how we watch it. No more abandoning your coffee making and sprinting back to the living room to shouts of, "It's on!!"

    Childhood Memories Of Watching Television

    Our TV set was black and white
    And on its spindly legs it stood;
    More deep than wide with dials that clicked,
    All curved glass screen and grain of wood.

    The screen was all of twenty inches,
    Far away, way over there.
    But you dared not creep up closer,
    Lest your eyes would soon turn square.

    A whole four channels from which to choose
    Until they bid goodnight and closed;
    From late night until mid-morning,
    Static noise and screen of snow.

    If you wished to change the channel,
    Across the room you had to trek.
    Then risk the loss of decent picture,
    Rabbit ears were not high tech.

    An exercise in mad frustration,
    Swiveling, angling to and fro.
    Yes! Stop there! The picture's "perfect,"
    Right until you let them go.

    If your show aired once a week,
    Then one whole week you had to wait;
    No binge watching or recording.
    If you missed it, bad luck mate!

    At times your programs overlapped
    And that dilemma left you vexed -
    Miss the end of the one you're watching
    Or the beginning of the next?

    All those ads with corny jingles,
    Some of them were hard to take;
    No fast forward and no pausing,
    Just enough time for a bathroom break.

    Or maybe not!...it was a gamble,
    So it really must be said,
    Though black and white it might have been,
    At times it had me seeing red!

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    Hi Raelene. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment on my poems. I really appreciate the kind feedback.
    Kind regards, Cynthia

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  21. 19. The Horse Ride

    This poem is a lyrical laugh! I hope it makes people smile.

    Taking a romantic ride today,
    We sat upon the wagon.
    Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
    And we heard a roaring dragon!

    The deafening sound hurt my ears
    And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
    My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
    Somehow my fault I suppose.

    It was my idea to take the ride,
    But how was I to know?
    It really wasn't in my plans;
    Didn't know the horse would blow.

    The noise and the smell were bad enough,
    As the wind blew quickly by.
    But I think the very worst of it,
    Was the brown stuff in my eye.

    My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
    So I figured I wouldn't dare,
    Advise her of the smelly pieces
    Of horse stuff in her hair.

    The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
    Stubbornly lifting her chin.
    I think that horse was enjoying himself,
    Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

    A lesson learned for me today.
    Although I must confess,
    I laughed so hard I nearly cried
    As I wiped away the mess.

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    To me this is the best poem I have read in a long time, so I am sending it to myself.

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  22. 20. Requiem For Old Shoes

    • By Robert Armitage
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems May 2014

    I would have described this poem as sentimental rather than funny. Though I suppose you could say mock-sentimental. It originally came from an exercise, in a creative writing group, which was to describe a pair of old shoes, so the reader thought of death, without that word being mentioned.

    The original version perhaps did that best with the first line - "They walked through life together" and another line about corpses cold. However the death stipulation is unnecessary here.

    Poem About the Life of Shoes

    They looked good, at first, together,
    tight laced and polished smart,
    but wear and tear destroyed them:
    A tale to break your heart!

    They cannot speak,
    for their tongues are torn,
    yet leathery wrinkles convey
    that treatment is rough
    and times are tough,
    being trod on, day after day.

    Down at heel,
    scuffed at toe
    and moving
    'mongst the low,
    their soles both left their bodies
    'cause the stitches, all, did go.

    Soil, not socks, now fills them
    and hollow are their eyes,
    within a peaceful garden
    each flower atop them sighs.

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    Loved this poem. Very smart and funny too. Well done!

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