Comical and Amusing Poems
Humorous poetry has been written for thousands of years. Many of us do not know that the nursery rhymes that we sang as kids were made up to convey information of a delicate political nature encoded in what sounds like a silly children's song. Living in the western world, we are lucky enough to be able (in some cases) to freely speak our minds. However, we cannot take for granted the medium of humor as a way to convey information that may be politically dangerous.
43 Short and Long Humorous Poems
The animal I really dig,
Above all others is the pig.
Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever,
Pigs are courteous. However,
Now and then, to break this rule,
One meets a pig who is a fool.
What, for example, would you say,
If strolling through the woods one day,
Right there in front of you you saw
A pig who'd built his house of STRAW?
The Wolf who saw it licked his lips,
And said, 'That pig has had his chips.'
'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'
'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'
'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'
The little pig began to pray,
But Wolfie blew his house away.
He shouted, 'Bacon, pork and ham!
Oh, what a lucky Wolf I am!'
And though he ate the pig quite fast,
He carefully kept the tail till last.
Wolf wandered on, a trifle bloated.
Surprise, surprise, for soon he noted
Another little house for pigs,
And this one had been built of TWIGS!
'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'
'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'
'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'
The Wolf said, 'Okay, here we go!'
He then began to blow and blow.
The little pig began to squeal.
He cried, 'Oh Wolf, you've had one meal!
Why can't we talk and make a deal?
The Wolf replied, 'Not on your nelly!'
And soon the pig was in his belly.
'Two juicy little pigs!' Wolf cried,
'But still I'm not quite satisfied!
I know how full my tummy's bulging,
But oh, how I adore indulging.'
So creeping quietly as a mouse,
The Wolf approached another house,
A house which also had inside
A little piggy trying to hide.
'You'll not get me!' the Piggy cried.
'I'll blow you down!' the Wolf replied.
'You'll need,' Pig said, 'a lot of puff,
And I don't think you've got enough.'
Wolf huffed and puffed and blew and blew.
The house stayed up as good as new.
'If I can't blow it down,' Wolf said,
I'll have to blow it up instead.
I'll come back in the dead of night
And blow it up with dynamite!'
Pig cried, 'You brute! I might have known!'
Then, picking up the telephone,
He dialed as quickly as he could
The number of red Riding Hood.
'Hello,' she said. 'Who's speaking? Who?
Oh, hello, Piggy, how d'you do?'
Pig cried, 'I need your help, Miss Hood!
Oh help me, please! D'you think you could?'
'I'll try of course,' Miss Hood replied.
'What's on your mind...?' 'A Wolf!' Pig cried.
'I know you've dealt with wolves before,
And now I've got one at my door!'
'My darling Pig,' she said, 'my sweet,
That's something really up my street.
I've just begun to wash my hair.
But when it's dry, I'll be right there.'
A short while later, through the wood,
Came striding brave Miss Riding Hood.
The Wolf stood there, his eyes ablaze,
And yellowish, like mayonnaise.
His teeth were sharp, his gums were raw,
And spit was dripping from his jaw.
Once more the maiden's eyelid flickers.
She draws the pistol from her knickers.
Once more she hits the vital spot,
And kills him with a single shot.
Pig, peeping through the window, stood
And yelled, 'Well done, Miss Riding Hood!'
Ah, Piglet, you must never trust
Young ladies from the upper crust.
For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes,
Not only has two wolfskin coats,
But when she goes from place to place,
She has a PIGSKIN TRAVELING CASE.Latest Shared Story
This is an unanticipated and unexpected poem. Though the title sounds childish, it is a complete transformation of the story Three Little Pigs! Roald Dahl has a creative mind which I...
2. OrangeNothing Rhymes with Orange
Now see the beautiful sunset ore the ocean blue
Fiery colors due abound of poems there are a few
I wish that I could write one, about that perfect hue
But nothing rhymes with Orange
Orchards stretch for miles, they never seem to stop
There nectar baring fruit is one that's hard to top
A fruit that justifies a sonnet, but might as well be rock
But nothing rhymes with Orange
How do I describe a basketball?
Or the bricks within my garden wall
The autumn leaves before they fall
But nothing rhymes with Orange
So the hardest line you'll ever write
One to keep you up all night
So please tell if you might
What the hell rhymes with ORANGE?Latest Shared Story
This orange poem has tickled my fancy. Let me give it a go...
Porridge is a dreary word that always rhymes with orange.
While strawberries and blueberries may make a soothing pair....
I guess you think you know this story.
You don't. The real one's much more gory.
The phoney one, the one you know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft and sappy
just to keep the children happy.
Mind you, they got the first bit right,
The bit where, in the dead of night,
The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,
Departed for the Palace Ball,
While darling little Cinderella
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
Where rats who wanted things to eat,
Began to nibble at her feet.
She bellowed 'Help!' and 'Let me out!
The Magic Fairy heard her shout.
Appearing in a blaze of light,
She said: 'My dear, are you all right?'
'All right?' cried Cindy .'Can't you see
'I feel as rotten as can be!'
She beat her fist against the wall,
And shouted, 'Get me to the Ball!
'There is a Disco at the Palace!
'The rest have gone and I am jealous!
'I want a dress! I want a coach!
'And earrings and a diamond brooch!
'And silver slippers, two of those!
'And lovely nylon panty hose!
'Done up like that I'll guarantee
'The handsome Prince will fall for me!'
The Fairy said, 'Hang on a tick.'
She gave her wand a mighty flick
And quickly, in no time at all,
Cindy was at the Palace Ball!
It made the Ugly Sisters wince
To see her dancing with the Prince.
She held him very tight and pressed
herself against his manly chest.
The Prince himself was turned to pulp,
All he could do was gasp and gulp.
Then midnight struck. She shouted, 'Heck!
I've got to run to save my neck!'
The Prince cried, 'No! Alas! Alack!'
He grabbed her dress to hold her back.
As Cindy shouted, 'Let me go!'
The dress was ripped from head to toe.
She ran out in her underwear,
And lost one slipper on the stair.
The Prince was on it like a dart,
He pressed it to his pounding heart,
'The girl this slipper fits,' he cried,
'Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!
I'll visit every house in town
'Until I've tracked the maiden down!'
Then rather carelessly, I fear,
He placed it on a crate of beer.
At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,
(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)
Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,
And quickly flushed it down the loo.
Then in its place she calmly put
The slipper from her own left foot.
Ah ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,
And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.
Next day, the Prince went charging down
To knock on all the doors in town.
In every house, the tension grew.
Who was the owner of the shoe?
The shoe was long and very wide.
(A normal foot got lost inside.)
Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
(The owner's feet were hot and sticky.)
Thousands of eager people came
To try it on, but all in vain.
Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.
One tried it on. The Prince screamed, 'No!'
But she screamed, 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!
'So now you've got to marry me!'
The Prince went white from ear to ear.
He muttered, 'Let me out of here.'
'Oh no you don't! You made a vow!
'There's no way you can back out now!'
'Off with her head!' The Prince roared back.
They chopped it off with one big whack.
This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,
'She's prettier without her head.'
Then up came Sister Number Two,
Who yelled, 'Now I will try the shoe!'
'Try this instead!' the Prince yelled back.
He swung his trusty sword and smack
Her head went crashing to the ground.
It bounced a bit and rolled around.
In the kitchen, peeling spuds,
Cinderella heard the thuds
Of bouncing heads upon the floor,
And poked her own head round the door.
'What's all the racket? 'Cindy cried.
'Mind your own bizz,' the Prince replied.
Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.
My Prince! she thought. He chops off heads!
How could I marry anyone
Who does that sort of thing for fun?
The Prince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut?
'Off with her nut! Off with her nut!'
Just then, all in a blaze of light,
The Magic Fairy hove in sight,
Her Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!
'Cindy! 'she cried, 'come make a wish!
'Wish anything and have no doubt
'That I will make it come about!'
Cindy answered, 'Oh kind Fairy,
'This time I shall be more wary.
'No more Princes, no more money.
'I have had my taste of honey.
I'm wishing for a decent man.
'They're hard to find. D'you think you can?'
Within a minute, Cinderella
Was married to a lovely feller,
A simple jam maker by trade,
Who sold good home-made marmalade.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
And they were happy ever after.Latest Shared Story
Yes, Roald Dahl has a whole book of revolting rhymes like this one. You should read it. Hilarious.
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!
The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.
It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.
The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.
My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.
The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.
A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.Latest Shared Story
To me this is the best poem I have read in a long time, so I am sending it to myself.
5. Dead Is DeadFunny Poem About Death
When somebody dies, folks hardly ever say "dead."
They prefer "expired" or "departed" instead.
Most of the euphemisms don't do any harm,
Like "biting the dust" or "buying the farm."
There are "fallen off the perch" and "given up the ghost."
"Taking a dirt nap" is one I like most.
"Kicked the oxygen habit" and "gone offline"
Are a couple favorites of mine.
How about "at room temperature" or "fell off the twig,"
"Wearing a toe tag" or "played his last gig"?
"Bought a pine condo" and "six feet under,"
"Became a root inspector" makes one wonder.
Try "went belly up" and "bit the biscuit."
"Laid down his burden" and never missed it.
"Gone to his maker" and "out of print,"
"In a horizontal phone booth" for a permanent stint.
"Defunct," "extinct," and "in the crisper."
Most say 'em no louder than a whisper.
"Gone to sleep city" and "passed his sell by date,"
"Cashed in his chips at the pearly gate."
Now we could go on, but you get the point.
Have a fun in life before "checking out of this joint,"
And should you come to my funeral, don't bring a thing.
Just sit back and listen to the fat lady sing.Latest Shared Story
I found this poem very refreshing and true. Very good.
New Technology And Old People
My new phone is "smart." I guess that I'm not.
Amazing what all this here smart phone has got.
TV and Weather and Internet, too.
There's just no limits to what it can do.
Check my blood pressure and my temperature
Without even probing all my apertures.
I now know the time in Paris or Greece.
I can track the migration of thousands of geese
Or find Chinese food; it's here on this map.
Oops, my finger just slipped, now where was that at?
A camera...a CAMERA! Now I can take shots
Of everyone I know (who'd rather I not).
Push this here button and take me a "selfie."
(If it had a nose would this thing take a "smellfie"?)
Email to pester with, video to shoot,
Maps to drive 'round with, wow that's a hoot!
A compass to guide me home if I'm lost.
Thank God work paid for this thing (what it COSTS!).
The things that it does would amaze Mr. Bell.
What he would have thought of it, no one can tell,
But one question's still stuck in my middle-aged craw.
Despite all the gizmos that strike me with awe,
They're fun and they're useful and "techy" and all
...But how do I just simply make a phone call?Latest Shared Story
Just a note of appreciation to Mr. Cotton. My 10-year-old son selected this poem for his poetry recital (google search: funny poems over 1 minute) and won first place out of over 200...
Waking Up In The Morning
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!Latest Shared Story
The poem is absolutely cool. Man it has happened to me not more than a hundred times.
Poem About the Life of Shoes
They looked good, at first, together,
tight laced and polished smart,
but wear and tear destroyed them:
A tale to break your heart!
They cannot speak,
for their tongues are torn,
yet leathery wrinkles convey
that treatment is rough
and times are tough,
being trod on, day after day.
Down at heel,
scuffed at toe
'mongst the low,
their soles both left their bodies
'cause the stitches, all, did go.
Soil, not socks, now fills them
and hollow are their eyes,
within a peaceful garden
each flower atop them sighs.Latest Shared Story
Loved this poem. Very smart and funny too. Well done!
Humorous Poem About Ripping Pants
I lived my life, I tried my best to follow all my dreams.
My great endeavors were forever bursting at the seams.
And though I tried to love what's mine, I failed and I confess
My bony knees made pants like these suffer much distress
I heard a tearing sound, and I thought it was my heart
When I looked down with a frown, my pants did fall apart.
The ripping sound was not around at the greatest time
For when my knee skin felt cold air, it was less than sublime
And now I live my life, knee bare against the world alone.
Now everyone can plainly see my pale skin, joint, and bone.
My ripped up pants, like Frankenstein, I may just sew together
Or perhaps make my pants shorts to wear in warmer weather.
My pants are done, I have moved on. They've done their master well.
And pants don't live forever, not as far as I can tell.
But there's one problem I can't solve, and it I truly hate.
Does one bury their old dead pants, or do they just cremate?Latest Shared Story
This is one of the best humor poems I have ever read!! I remember reciting the poem in a competition in grade seven. Not only did it win me first prize, it also got me a lot of praise....
10. The Pig
In England once there lived a big
And wonderfully clever pig.
To everybody it was plain
That Piggy had a massive brain.
He worked out sums inside his head,
There was no book he hadn't read.
He knew what made an airplane fly,
He knew how engines worked and why.
He knew all this, but in the end
One question drove him round the bend:
He simply couldn't puzzle out
What LIFE was really all about.
What was the reason for his birth?
Why was he placed upon this earth?
His giant brain went round and round.
Alas, no answer could be found.
Till suddenly one wondrous night.
All in a flash he saw the light.
He jumped up like a ballet dancer
And yelled, 'By gum, I've got the answer! '
'They want my bacon slice by slice
'To sell at a tremendous price!
'They want my tender juicy chops
'To put in all the butcher's shops!
'They want my pork to make a roast
'And that's the part'll cost the most!
'They want my sausages in strings!
'They even want my chitterlings!
'The butcher's shop! The carving knife!
'That is the reason for my life! '
Such thoughts as these are not designed
To give a pig great peace of mind.
Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,
A pail of pigswill in his hand,
And piggy with a mighty roar,
Bashes the farmer to the floor…
Now comes the rather grisly bit
So let's not make too much of it,
Except that you must understand
That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,
He ate him up from head to toe,
Chewing the pieces nice and slow.
It took an hour to reach the feet,
Because there was so much to eat,
And when he finished, Pig, of course,
Felt absolutely no remorse.
Slowly he scratched his brainy head
And with a little smile he said,
'I had a fairly powerful hunch
'That he might have me for his lunch.
'And so, because I feared the worst,
'I thought I'd better eat him first.'Latest Shared Story
I like this poem because it is contrary to what is normal, as the pig tries to eat the farmer instead of the other way around and it shows the power of humans over all other living things....
As soon as Wolf began to feel
That he would like a decent meal,
He went and knocked on Grandma's door.
When Grandma opened it, she saw
The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,
And Wolfie said, 'May I come in?'
Poor Grandmamma was terrified,
'He's going to eat me up!' she cried.
And she was absolutely right.
He ate her up in one big bite.
But Grandmamma was small and tough,
And Wolfie wailed, 'That's not enough!
I haven't yet begun to feel
That I have had a decent meal!'
He ran around the kitchen yelping,
'I've got to have a second helping!'
Then added with a frightful leer,
'I'm therefore going to wait right here
Till Little Miss Red Riding Hood
Comes home from walking in the wood.'
He quickly put on Grandma's clothes,
(Of course he hadn't eaten those).
He dressed himself in coat and hat.
He put on shoes, and after that,
He even brushed and curled his hair,
Then sat himself in Grandma's chair.
In came the little girl in red.
She stopped. She stared. And then she said,
'What great big ears you have, Grandma.'
'All the better to hear you with,'
the Wolf replied.
'What great big eyes you have, Grandma.'
said Little Red Riding Hood.
'All the better to see you with,'
the Wolf replied.
He sat there watching her and smiled.
He thought, I'm going to eat this child.
Compared with her old Grandmamma,
She's going to taste like caviar.
Then Little Red Riding Hood said, '
But Grandma, what a lovely great big
furry coat you have on.'
'That's wrong!' cried Wolf.
'Have you forgot
To tell me what BIG TEETH I've got?
Ah well, no matter what you say,
I'm going to eat you anyway.'
The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers.
She whips a pistol from her knickers.
She aims it at the creature's head,
And bang bang bang, she shoots him dead.
A few weeks later, in the wood,
I came across Miss Riding Hood.
But what a change! No cloak of red,
No silly hood upon her head.
She said, 'Hello, and do please note
My lovely furry wolfskin coat.'Latest Shared Story
Hi, my name is Mary, and I really like to read the Roald Dahl poems because they are really funny.
So now he has had his eyes done,
and at last he can see,
but I was a bit worried,
what would he think of me?
You see, he hadn't seen me,
out of two good eyes,
would I be a total shock,
or a nice surprise?
He said "my God, you are almost grey,
you're eyes are much too small,
you are old and fat and ugly,
I'm not impressed at all"
But as I sat there crying,
I suddenly noticed that---
he wasn't looking my way,
but talking to the cat!!
so yes I think he's very pleased
with all that he can see
He thinks every thing is lovely,
and that includes me!!Latest Shared Story
this poem is great, I would say..
I loved it a lot, we need a poem for our project and I chose this one..thanks a lot..it's funny
Oh, I wish that I had a green thumb.
All my houseplants are looking quite glum.
I never can tell
Why they're looking unwell
Or why so many succumb.
Have I failed to give enough water?
Have I watered them more than I oughta?
Are they getting too hot?
Is this not the right spot?
It's like sending poor lambs to the slaughter.
The hard, undeniable fact is
Many succulents, ferns and a cactus,
A begonia, a fig,
Many palms, small and big,
Have been victims of my malpractice.
I confess I'm a serial killer.
Many end up as mulch or land filler.
I kill far more plants
Than snails, thrips or ants.
Or an army of green caterpillar!
Though houseplants are deemed beneficial,
Should these perish, then it is official:
I'll waste no more dough
Just to watch 'em die slow,
For my next plants will be artificial!Latest Shared Story
Greetings, fellow Aussie! Yes, "the care we inflict"....well put. Thanks, Raelene, for the kind feedback.
Childhood Memories Of Watching Television
Our TV set was black and white
And on its spindly legs it stood;
More deep than wide with dials that clicked,
All curved glass screen and grain of wood.
The screen was all of twenty inches,
Far away, way over there.
But you dared not creep up closer,
Lest your eyes would soon turn square.
A whole four channels from which to choose
Until they bid goodnight and closed;
From late night until mid-morning,
Static noise and screen of snow.
If you wished to change the channel,
Across the room you had to trek.
Then risk the loss of decent picture,
Rabbit ears were not high tech.
An exercise in mad frustration,
Swiveling, angling to and fro.
Yes! Stop there! The picture's "perfect,"
Right until you let them go.
If your show aired once a week,
Then one whole week you had to wait;
No binge watching or recording.
If you missed it, bad luck mate!
At times your programs overlapped
And that dilemma left you vexed -
Miss the end of the one you're watching
Or the beginning of the next?
All those ads with corny jingles,
Some of them were hard to take;
No fast forward and no pausing,
Just enough time for a bathroom break.
Or maybe not!...it was a gamble,
So it really must be said,
Though black and white it might have been,
At times it had me seeing red!Latest Shared Story
Hi Raelene. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment on my poems. I really appreciate the kind feedback.
Kind regards, Cynthia
15. WillisA Cowboy And His Horse
Willis the cowpoke rode into town
On his Old Jugs, just horsing around.
Down highway 26 he rode Old Jugs
To the local saloon for a few chug-a-lugs.
Tying to a flag pole, Old Jugs he did hitch.
Into the saloon, a thirst he did quench.
An officer steps up and warns with a frown,
"Get on your horse and ride out of town!"
The sheriff is coming not far behind.
Old Jugs to the shelter and Willis a fine,
So Willis, he jumps on Old Jugs and replies,
“Not my horse to the shelter, you will not take.
I'll ride him on home; no law will I break."
The sheriff steps up and says to dismount.
A test of sobriety we must have the count.
The charge was drunk driving while riding on Jugs.
A steep fine to pay for a few chug-a-lugs.
A riled up Willis spent the night in the tank
To pay for a charge he claimed not to make.
Down to the courthouse he'll saddle up and ride
To face his accusers with Old Jugs by his side.
But we all know when it's all said and done,
He'll saddle Old Jugs and ride into town for
A few chug-a-lugs.
Latest Shared Story
These men get very well acquainted with their horses, their ole pals you might say, The clumping of horse hooves, the whinney demand for carrots and sugar cubes, the barn yard smell. kinda...
16. The CarFunny Poem About Not Understanding Your Mechanic
I was heading south to the city's biggest shopping center
To get a steak and other things that I could eat for dinner.
Then I noticed, luckily, I was nearly out of gas.
So, I headed for the Stall-Mart store out near the overpass.
Just as I pulled up, the engine somehow died.
I couldn't get it started no matter how I tried.
At that moment I noticed an old man walking with a cane.
He cringed each time he stepped as if he was in pain.
With a toothless smile, he asked me, "Fella, what's the problem?"
I told him that my car just died and problems, man, I got 'em.
He said, "Give me a few minutes to find out why it's dead."
He opened the hood and in just thirty seconds he turned to me and said,
You have a blasticated unicellular caustic tad malfunction.
The generator pottsigraft has lost most of it's suction.
You have tubular antispiral mispopulated slippage.
And the plastic-nozzeled harpsitube needs a brand new tippage.
The lesser of all your problems that I find you got
Is that the double crypted intake valve really squeaks a lot.
And my professional assessment that I've done thus far,
Tells me that this heap is crap and you need another car.
I can sell you a slightly used cream-puff if you want to take her.
It's a 19 and 43 fully loaded Studebaker.
It runs real good and looks real sharp and has only a few small dents.
I'll let you have it for 600 dollars and 37 cents,
Plus my complete diagnostic examination that I've done today.
So can we make a gentleman's deal? What do you have to say?"
As I was walking home I noticed a shiny bicycle for sale.......Latest Shared Story
Yeah, it did. It's called a cliff hanger, so all in all they did have a proper ending. *shrug
17. A Boy Named Sue
Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
and he didn't leave much to Ma and me,
just this old guitar and a bottle of booze.
Now I don't blame him because he run and hid,
but the meanest thing that he ever did was
before he left he went and named me Sue.
Well, he must have thought it was quite a joke,
and it got lots of laughs from a lot of folks,
it seems I had to fight my whole life through.
Some gal would giggle and I'd get red
and some guy would laugh and I'd bust his head,
I tell you, life ain't easy for a boy named Sue.
Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean.
My fist got hard and my wits got keen.
Roamed from town to town to hide my shame,
but I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
I'd search the honky tonks and bars and kill
that man that gave me that awful name.
But it was Gatlinburg in mid July and I had
just hit town and my throat was dry.
I'd thought i'd stop and have myself a brew.
At an old saloon in a street of mud
and at a table dealing stud sat the dirty,
mangy dog that named me Sue.
Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad
from a worn-out picture that my mother had
and I knew the scar on his cheek and his evil eye.
He was big and bent and gray and old
and I looked at him and my blood ran cold,
and I said, "My name is Sue. How do you do?
Now you're gonna die." Yeah, that's what I told him.
Well, I hit him right between the eyes and he went down
but to my surprise he came up with a knife
and cut off a piece of my ear. But I busted a chair
right across his teeth. And we crashed through
the wall and into the street kicking and a-gouging
in the mud and the blood and the beer.
I tell you I've fought tougher men but I really can't remember when.
He kicked like a mule and bit like a crocodile.
I heard him laughin' and then I heard him cussin',
he went for his gun and I pulled mine first.
He stood there looking at me and I saw him smile.
And he said, "Son, this world is rough and if
a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
and I knew I wouldn't be there to help you along.
So I gave you that name and I said 'Goodbye'.
I knew you'd have to get tough or die. And it's
that name that helped to make you strong."
Yeah, he said, "Now you have just fought one
helluva fight, and I know you hate me and you've
got the right to kill me now and I wouldn't blame you
if you do. But you ought to thank me
before I die for the gravel in your guts and the spit
in your eye because I'm the guy that named you Sue."
Yeah, what could I do? What could I do?
I got all choked up and I threw down my gun,
called him pa and he called me a son,
and I came away with a different point of view
and I think about him now and then.
Every time I tried, every time I win and if I
ever have a son I think I am gonna name him
Bill or George - anything but Sue.Latest Shared Story
Johnny Cash was the right person to sing these lyrics. He made an interesting song from an awesome poem. Very entertaining. Love it!
Jac. Judy A. Campbell
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!Latest Shared Story
Daylight saving can either be a blessing or a curse. Thanks for the laugh. Australia is currently enjoying summer daylight saving time. Loved the verse.
T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was sleeping -- not pet, child or spouse.
The people were tossing and turning in beds
With visions of bills dancing 'round in their heads.
Their wood chairs were stacked in the fireplace by three's
If it burns through the night then the family won't freeze.
Then out on the street they heard glass start to shatter
They jumped up in fright with their teeth all a-chatter
They peeked out their windows and under the stars,
saw a red-suited fat man repossessing their cars.
He tied each to his sled and affixed them with chains
Then plopped in his seat and snapped with his reins:
"On Beemer, on Caddie, on Lexus, and Ford,
On Volvo, on Prius, on Honda Accord."
Then off he did fly like a lumbering float
But not before he had texted this note:
"Beware dear America, for you've not seen the light
You still think 'the good life' is your natural birth right.
Thanks to Internet access, this world's grown quite small
The Windows are open where once there were walls.
The Earth may look round, but it's flattening fast
And those now in first place may soon be in last.
Study science and math -- learn a skill that is new,
If you don't, your job prospects are sure to be few.
Your Santa's been outsourced -- I'm a Bangalore Gnome
Your bank has just emailed -- they've foreclosed on your home
And not long ago your boss faxed to say
You've just lost your job and your 401-K"
Then off in the distance we heard him opine:
"There are millions in Asia now standing in line!
Merry Christmas to all and to all lots o' luck
Take heed of my words or you'll surely be *^#*ed".Latest Shared Story
Why does this sound like it may happen... Awesome poem by the way.
Barking Dogs And Their Consequences
Our street was once a peaceful place
Kids played and you could jog
But our tranquil life was shattered
When the neighbour got a dog.
The thing would howl all through the day
And even after dark
And just as you tried to go to sleep...
The mongrel thing would bark.
It soiled all the lawns, but his
It chased the Postie's bike
And anyone who whined at all
Was told to "Take a hike!"
Old Bazza asked the owner straight
To silence the ugly brute
But the neighbour said
"My dog don't bark!"
"And I think he's rather cute."
The neighbourhood was up in arms
So of his own volition
Old Bazza went from door to door
And took up a petition.
The Council gravely listened
Then notified the Pound
Who gave the bloke a warning
But didn't take the hound.
One night Bazza came home late
(He'd had a lot to drink)
And when the thing began to howl
It pushed him to the brink.
He parked the car down near the curb
Then with bonnet lifted wide
He blasted on the air horns
Until the battery died.
Not satisfied his point was made
Into the street he strode
Then barked and howled for all to hear
In the middle of the road.
"Woof Woof, Bloody Woof Woof!"
He yelled it out with force
Until all the neighbours were awake
And he was nearly hoarse.
But his goings-on were tempered
By a team of Police in black
Who suddenly appeared en masse
And cut short his attack.
They tackled him and put him down
His shorts and shirt were torn
His face was in the wood chip
And his hair wore bits of lawn.
Now Bazza is a legend
And he takes great pains to tell
How the mutt next door could howl and bark
And give the neighbours hell
He could foul the grass and bite the kids
And never get molested
But when Bazza tried to do the same
He promptly got arrested.Latest Shared Story
I enjoy writing poetry about real events and real people. The "Bazza" who's featured in many of my poems is a quirky character whose fondness for the practical joke often gets him into...
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