Humorous Poems

Humorous Poems

Comical and Amusing Poems

Humorous poetry has been written for thousands of years. Many of us do not know that the nursery rhymes that we sang as kids were made up to convey information of a delicate political nature encoded in what sounds like a silly children's song. Living in the western world, we are lucky enough to be able (in some cases) to freely speak our minds. However, we cannot take for granted the medium of humor as a way to convey information that may be politically dangerous.

43 Short and Long Humorous Poems

  1. 1. Pretty Little High Heels

    I wrote this poem because my whole life I loved my high heels. Getting older, they are now a thing of the past. Just putting some humor in something that as a young woman had such great importance to me.

    Funny Poem About Giving Up Things As You Age

    Pretty little high heels,
    How you look so grand.
    I can remember when I wore you
    And I could proudly stand.

    Now you look kind of scary,
    Sitting on my closet shelf.
    I want to put you on,
    But I don't trust myself.

    Just a few short years ago,
    I could wear you and actual walk.
    But now that's just a memory
    Of which I happily talk.

    Oh, my little high heels,
    I did not have a clue
    That one day you would frighten me
    And I would stay away from you.

    I'm seeing that my golden years
    Are robbing me of things like you.
    Now I shop in the senior section,
    Something I thought I'd never do.

    It's not that I don't love you,
    But I'm up against a wall,
    For to wear you once again
    Would mean a nasty fall.

    I still dream of wearing you,
    But to flats I am bound,
    For they're the only shoes I trust
    To keep me firmly on the ground.

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  3. 2. Our TV Set Was Black And White

    I was reminiscing about the early days of television before the advent of the remote control, recorders, twin tuners, streaming, etc. We now take for granted the technology that allows us so much choice (some would say too much choice) as to what we watch and when and how we watch it. No more abandoning your coffee making and sprinting back to the living room to shouts of, "It's on!!"

    Childhood Memories Of Watching Television

    Our TV set was black and white
    And on its spindly legs it stood;
    More deep than wide with dials that clicked,
    All curved glass screen and grain of wood.

    The screen was all of twenty inches,
    Far away, way over there.
    But you dared not creep up closer,
    Lest your eyes would soon turn square.

    A whole four channels from which to choose
    Until they bid goodnight and closed;
    From late night until mid-morning,
    Static noise and screen of snow.

    If you wished to change the channel,
    Across the room you had to trek.
    Then risk the loss of decent picture,
    Rabbit ears were not high tech.

    An exercise in mad frustration,
    Swiveling, angling to and fro.
    Yes! Stop there! The picture's "perfect,"
    Right until you let them go.

    If your show aired once a week,
    Then one whole week you had to wait;
    No binge watching or recording.
    If you missed it, bad luck mate!

    At times your programs overlapped
    And that dilemma left you vexed -
    Miss the end of the one you're watching
    Or the beginning of the next?

    All those ads with corny jingles,
    Some of them were hard to take;
    No fast forward and no pausing,
    Just enough time for a bathroom break.

    Or maybe not! was a gamble,
    So it really must be said,
    Though black and white it might have been,
    At times it had me seeing red!

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    Latest Shared Story

    Hi Raelene. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment on my poems. I really appreciate the kind feedback.
    Kind regards, Cynthia

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  5. 3. Diabolical

    This is a humorous poem about what sheltering in place has done to me.

    Funny Poem About Sheltering In Place With Pets

    After hours of extensive research
    And following many a clue,
    I've finally discovered the source
    Of the new pandemic flu.

    It was concocted by our pets,
    Forcing us to stay at home.
    Always at their beck and call,
    Never free to roam.

    No room in the house is safe,
    For they follow you about.
    They are a constant shadow.
    They think you can't do without.

    They look at you with greedy eyes,
    Imploring you for a treat,
    And though you try, you can't avoid it,
    So just admit defeat.

    Alas, until the cure is found,
    The master has become slave.
    Our pets are now teaching us
    How we should behave.

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  6. 4. The Snakes At School

    Based on a true story. A typically Australian story. The snakes were all recovered and returned to their creek, but important lessons had been learned.

    A Practical Joke Backfired

    It wasn't that we hated school.
    The creek enticed us more.
    My mate and I hung out there
    To chase frogs, catch fish, explore.

    One day we built a fortress,
    Moved rocks and tied some stakes.
    Then we saw a wondrous sight -
    A ball of baby snakes.

    We should have pondered longer,
    But we thought our find so cool.
    We stuffed the snakes into our bags
    And took them back to school.

    Just as the school bell jangled
    And the halls began to fill,
    We flung the snakes along the floor.
    Then screams rang loud and shrill.

    We expected just a ripple,
    A tiny bit of fun.
    Some girls might get a little fright
    And some may even run.

    Instead, it was a tidal wave.
    Chairs and lockers tumbled
    As kids and teachers panicked.
    Our confidence soon crumbled.

    The hallway was a war zone.
    The floor all strewn with rubble.
    Though the baby snakes were harmless,
    We knew we were in trouble.

    Our tender ages saved us.
    We learned we crossed a line.
    They talked of court and consequences
    And preached "moral decline."

    But we learned some worthy lessons
    Though were left in some confusion.
    When our penalty for wagging school
    Was to get a week's exclusion.

    And though we were repentant
    And we did receive a fright,
    Others often broke the rules
    And their punishment seemed light.

    They swore and called the teacher names.
    We saw them fight and smoke,
    But we learned that day the greater sin
    Was to play a practical joke.

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  7. 5. Confessions Of A Serial Plant Killer

    Limericks about not having a Green Thumb, This poem is written in limerick form. I enjoy writing humorous rhyming poems, and this one is based on my personal experience (or should I say, lack of experience) with indoor plants.

    Oh, I wish that I had a green thumb.
    All my houseplants are looking quite glum.
    I never can tell
    Why they're looking unwell
    Or why so many succumb.

    Have I failed to give enough water?
    Have I watered them more than I oughta?
    Are they getting too hot?
    Is this not the right spot?
    It's like sending poor lambs to the slaughter.

    The hard, undeniable fact is
    Many succulents, ferns and a cactus,
    A begonia, a fig,
    Many palms, small and big,
    Have been victims of my malpractice.

    I confess I'm a serial killer.
    Many end up as mulch or land filler.
    I kill far more plants
    Than snails, thrips or ants.
    Or an army of green caterpillar!

    Though houseplants are deemed beneficial,
    Should these perish, then it is official:
    I'll waste no more dough
    Just to watch 'em die slow,
    For my next plants will be artificial!

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    Latest Shared Story

    Greetings, fellow Aussie! Yes, "the care we inflict"....well put. Thanks, Raelene, for the kind feedback.

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  8. 6. Growing Old

    I began writing poetry in middle age. For about 5 years I lived aboard a yacht in remote areas of Australia, mostly in the Torres Strait. We had intermittent TV and radio signal depending on the anchorage and I began writing poems for family and friends for special occasions. The majority of my poems have a whimsical quality and this poem is no exception. It takes a humorous look at how we deal with the ravages of aging and particularly strikes a chord with women of middle age and older.

    A Humorous Take On Our Efforts To Appear Young

    They said I was an "old fart"
    But I hardly think that's true
    My boobs were done in '75
    But my teeth and knees are new.

    And since my eyes were lasered
    I have 20/20 sight
    Though I like to sit on 50 k
    And hate to drive at night.

    All in all I object to "old"
    But "fart" is another matter
    For I think the valves that seal the gas
    Now leak as I've got fatter.

    To add to the indignity
    And make me feel antique
    Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
    I spring a little leak.

    So if you're feeling young and smug
    With a body like brand new
    Just remember in 30 years
    This figure may be you!

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  9. 7. The Crazy Flu

    With the flu season upon us, having the flu can be miserable. If we can see some humor in it, it could be good for the soul.

    There once was a girl named Sue.
    She came down with the case of the flu.
    She let out a sigh,
    "My temperature is high,
    what ever shall I do?
    Oh my! Oh my!
    I think I will die.
    What ever shall I do?"

    So, she stumbled out of bed.
    "I know I'll take some meds.
    If this the flu,
    I take an aspirin or two.
    Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
    Oh my! Oh my!"
    she began to cry.
    "I think this is acute."

    So, she grumbled back to bed
    and pulled the covers over her head.
    She let out a sneeze,
    a cough and a wheeze.
    "Won't someone help me, please?
    Oh my! Oh my!
    Will I survive
    the case of the crazy flu?"

    So, she finally fell asleep.
    She slept and slept for a week.
    She tossed and turned,
    her symptoms have passed.
    Her temperature normal at last.
    "Oh my! Oh my!
    I think I survived
    this case of the crazy flu."

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  10. 8. How High's The Snowfall, Mama?

    In the 1960's, Johnny Cash sang a tongue-in-cheek song about excessive rainfall called, "How High's the Water, Mama?" I decided to write a funny one about snow. I hope you see the humor in it, but in some areas this is no joke! My apologies to Johnny and all those affected by this increasing weather problem.

    Funny Poem About Dealing With A Huge Snowfall

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "One foot high and rising!"

    I'll eat my food and watch the game.
    The snow last year was just the same.
    I'll gorge myself and loosen my belt.
    I know that stuff will only melt.

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "Two feet high and rising!"

    Don't worry Mama, it's okay.
    An early thaw is on the way!
    Relax, my dear, enjoy the fire.
    This snow won't make it any higher!

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "Four feet high and rising!!"

    Okay! Okay! We'll compromise!

    I'll get the shovels, you get the guys!
    Let's bring this white stuff down to size!
    It won't take long to make the run.
    We'll build a snowman when we're done!

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "Six feet high and rising!!"

    We cleared a path to the outhouse now,
    Thanks to our trusty John Deere plow!
    You gotta go? Then do it soon,
    Or you might not make back 'til June!

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "Eight feet high and rising!!!"

    The snow's still comin'! It's gotten colder!
    Better get the front-end loader!
    And we might need an army tank!
    We just lost Fred in a huge snowbank!

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "Land sakes!! It's ten feet high and rising!!!!"

    The outhouse now is not in sight!
    I gotta whiz, but that's all right!
    Make sure you got some pots to spare,
    We're gonna need to go...somewhere!

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "(Sigh).... Take a look outside!!!"

    We gotta get this window cleared!
    Frank and Tom have disappeared!
    It's buried our new car and truck!
    It looks like we're plum outta luck!!

    How high's the snowfall, Mama?
    "Zzzzz... Zzzzz... Zzzzz... Zzzzz...."

    Well I'm tired, too, so I'm relaxing,
    Even though the roof's collapsing!
    It's nice and warm here by the fire.
    I know this snow won't get no higher!

    Oh, no!!!......We're outta firewood!!!!

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  11. 9. The Neighbour's Dog

    Based on a true event. A neighbours barking dog led Bazza to howl and bark in the middle of the road with unexpected consequences.

    Barking Dogs And Their Consequences

    Our street was once a peaceful place
    Kids played and you could jog
    But our tranquil life was shattered
    When the neighbour got a dog.

    The thing would howl all through the day
    And even after dark
    And just as you tried to go to sleep...
    The mongrel thing would bark.

    It soiled all the lawns, but his
    It chased the Postie's bike
    And anyone who whined at all
    Was told to "Take a hike!"

    Old Bazza asked the owner straight
    To silence the ugly brute
    But the neighbour said
    "My dog don't bark!"
    "And I think he's rather cute."

    The neighbourhood was up in arms
    So of his own volition
    Old Bazza went from door to door
    And took up a petition.

    The Council gravely listened
    Then notified the Pound
    Who gave the bloke a warning
    But didn't take the hound.

    One night Bazza came home late
    (He'd had a lot to drink)
    And when the thing began to howl
    It pushed him to the brink.

    He parked the car down near the curb
    Then with bonnet lifted wide
    He blasted on the air horns
    Until the battery died.

    Not satisfied his point was made
    Into the street he strode
    Then barked and howled for all to hear
    In the middle of the road.

    "Woof Woof, Bloody Woof Woof!"
    He yelled it out with force
    Until all the neighbours were awake
    And he was nearly hoarse.

    But his goings-on were tempered
    By a team of Police in black
    Who suddenly appeared en masse
    And cut short his attack.

    They tackled him and put him down
    His shorts and shirt were torn
    His face was in the wood chip
    And his hair wore bits of lawn.

    Now Bazza is a legend
    And he takes great pains to tell
    How the mutt next door could howl and bark
    And give the neighbours hell

    He could foul the grass and bite the kids
    And never get molested
    But when Bazza tried to do the same
    He promptly got arrested.

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    Latest Shared Story

    I enjoy writing poetry about real events and real people. The "Bazza" who's featured in many of my poems is a quirky character whose fondness for the practical joke often gets him into...

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  12. 10. The Ballad Of Daylight Savings Time

    Every year, it rolls around, to be greeted with groans, eye-rolling, and an intense desire to sleep in late. Yet we dutifully do it. Is there a bonus to Daylight savings Time? Hmmmmm.

    What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
    It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
    Roll out of bed and take a breath
    And feel like microwaved-reheated death

    Seven o'clock? That just can't be
    It's way too dark out there to see
    Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
    To get my sluggish body up

    And hit the road before the sun
    For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
    It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
    My head is just now barely clear

    Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
    I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
    The end of day has almost come
    The day flew's almost done!

    Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
    I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

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    Latest Shared Story

    Daylight saving can either be a blessing or a curse. Thanks for the laugh. Australia is currently enjoying summer daylight saving time. Loved the verse.

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  13. 11. Smart Phone - Dumb User

    As I grow older, I find that technology gets more and more frightening, every day. Maybe I should go live in the woods.

    New Technology And Old People

    My new phone is "smart." I guess that I'm not.
    Amazing what all this here smart phone has got.
    TV and Weather and Internet, too.
    There's just no limits to what it can do.
    Check my blood pressure and my temperature
    Without even probing all my apertures.
    I now know the time in Paris or Greece.
    I can track the migration of thousands of geese
    Or find Chinese food; it's here on this map.
    Oops, my finger just slipped, now where was that at?
    A camera...a CAMERA! Now I can take shots
    Of everyone I know (who'd rather I not).
    Push this here button and take me a "selfie."
    (If it had a nose would this thing take a "smellfie"?)
    Email to pester with, video to shoot,
    Maps to drive 'round with, wow that's a hoot!
    A compass to guide me home if I'm lost.
    Thank God work paid for this thing (what it COSTS!).
    The things that it does would amaze Mr. Bell.
    What he would have thought of it, no one can tell,
    But one question's still stuck in my middle-aged craw.
    Despite all the gizmos that strike me with awe,
    They're fun and they're useful and "techy" and all
    ...But how do I just simply make a phone call?

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    Latest Shared Story

    Just a note of appreciation to Mr. Cotton. My 10-year-old son selected this poem for his poetry recital (google search: funny poems over 1 minute) and won first place out of over 200...

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  14. 12. My Wife, The Math Whiz

    My wife studies higher math and calculus and all that rocket scientist stuff. Just looking at it turns my brain to Jell-O.

    My dear wife studies Calculus.
    She says it's fun; I think she's nuts.
    She's solving x and y and z.
    I struggle with just 1, 2, 3.
    She's got these weird and strange equations,
    Mathematical madness machinations,
    Exponents and integers.
    Not many brains are wired like hers.
    She can do it, get solutions.
    For me, page one is mass confusion.
    Words are my thing, heaven knows,
    And I can fling some witty prose.
    I rhyme without the slightest reason.
    Poems penned for every season,
    But give me numbers? Oh, I'm lost!
    My brain becomes a salad tossed!
    So I'll just stick to poetry
    And not advance past 1, 2, 3.
    While Sweetie does her sums and graphs
    And antiderivatives...just for laughs.

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  15. 13. The Pig

    In this poem, Roald Dahl shares about a pig that contemplates his purpose in life. When he realizes he is going to end up on someone’s dinner plate, he takes matters into his own hands. Roald Dahl’s poems and stories are known for dark humor and unexpected endings.

    In England once there lived a big
    And wonderfully clever pig.
    To everybody it was plain
    That Piggy had a massive brain.
    He worked out sums inside his head,
    There was no book he hadn't read.
    He knew what made an airplane fly,
    He knew how engines worked and why.
    He knew all this, but in the end
    One question drove him round the bend:
    He simply couldn't puzzle out
    What LIFE was really all about.
    What was the reason for his birth?
    Why was he placed upon this earth?
    His giant brain went round and round.
    Alas, no answer could be found.
    Till suddenly one wondrous night.
    All in a flash he saw the light.
    He jumped up like a ballet dancer
    And yelled, 'By gum, I've got the answer! '
    'They want my bacon slice by slice
    'To sell at a tremendous price!
    'They want my tender juicy chops
    'To put in all the butcher's shops!
    'They want my pork to make a roast
    'And that's the part'll cost the most!
    'They want my sausages in strings!
    'They even want my chitterlings!
    'The butcher's shop! The carving knife!
    'That is the reason for my life! '
    Such thoughts as these are not designed
    To give a pig great peace of mind.
    Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,
    A pail of pigswill in his hand,
    And piggy with a mighty roar,
    Bashes the farmer to the floor…
    Now comes the rather grisly bit
    So let's not make too much of it,
    Except that you must understand
    That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,
    He ate him up from head to toe,
    Chewing the pieces nice and slow.
    It took an hour to reach the feet,
    Because there was so much to eat,
    And when he finished, Pig, of course,
    Felt absolutely no remorse.
    Slowly he scratched his brainy head
    And with a little smile he said,
    'I had a fairly powerful hunch
    'That he might have me for his lunch.
    'And so, because I feared the worst,
    'I thought I'd better eat him first.'

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    Latest Shared Story

    I like this poem because it is contrary to what is normal, as the pig tries to eat the farmer instead of the other way around and it shows the power of humans over all other living things....

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  16. 14. The Three Little Pigs

    This poem was published in Revolting Rhymes, a collection of six Roald Dahl poems published in 1982. Each poem is a parody of a traditional folk tale. He provides a re-interpretation and surprise ending instead of the traditional happily-ever-after ending. In this poem with gory twists, Roald Dahl combines the characters in the Three Little Pigs story with Little Red Riding Hood.

    The animal I really dig,
    Above all others is the pig.
    Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever,
    Pigs are courteous. However,
    Now and then, to break this rule,
    One meets a pig who is a fool.
    What, for example, would you say,
    If strolling through the woods one day,
    Right there in front of you you saw
    A pig who'd built his house of STRAW?
    The Wolf who saw it licked his lips,
    And said, 'That pig has had his chips.'
    'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'
    'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'
    'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'

    The little pig began to pray,
    But Wolfie blew his house away.
    He shouted, 'Bacon, pork and ham!
    Oh, what a lucky Wolf I am!'
    And though he ate the pig quite fast,
    He carefully kept the tail till last.
    Wolf wandered on, a trifle bloated.
    Surprise, surprise, for soon he noted
    Another little house for pigs,
    And this one had been built of TWIGS!

    'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'
    'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'
    'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'

    The Wolf said, 'Okay, here we go!'
    He then began to blow and blow.
    The little pig began to squeal.
    He cried, 'Oh Wolf, you've had one meal!
    Why can't we talk and make a deal?
    The Wolf replied, 'Not on your nelly!'
    And soon the pig was in his belly.

    'Two juicy little pigs!' Wolf cried,
    'But still I'm not quite satisfied!
    I know how full my tummy's bulging,
    But oh, how I adore indulging.'
    So creeping quietly as a mouse,
    The Wolf approached another house,
    A house which also had inside
    A little piggy trying to hide.
    'You'll not get me!' the Piggy cried.
    'I'll blow you down!' the Wolf replied.
    'You'll need,' Pig said, 'a lot of puff,
    And I don't think you've got enough.'
    Wolf huffed and puffed and blew and blew.
    The house stayed up as good as new.
    'If I can't blow it down,' Wolf said,
    I'll have to blow it up instead.
    I'll come back in the dead of night
    And blow it up with dynamite!'
    Pig cried, 'You brute! I might have known!'
    Then, picking up the telephone,
    He dialed as quickly as he could
    The number of red Riding Hood.

    'Hello,' she said. 'Who's speaking? Who?
    Oh, hello, Piggy, how d'you do?'
    Pig cried, 'I need your help, Miss Hood!
    Oh help me, please! D'you think you could?'
    'I'll try of course,' Miss Hood replied.
    'What's on your mind...?' 'A Wolf!' Pig cried.
    'I know you've dealt with wolves before,
    And now I've got one at my door!'

    'My darling Pig,' she said, 'my sweet,
    That's something really up my street.
    I've just begun to wash my hair.
    But when it's dry, I'll be right there.'

    A short while later, through the wood,
    Came striding brave Miss Riding Hood.
    The Wolf stood there, his eyes ablaze,
    And yellowish, like mayonnaise.
    His teeth were sharp, his gums were raw,
    And spit was dripping from his jaw.
    Once more the maiden's eyelid flickers.
    She draws the pistol from her knickers.
    Once more she hits the vital spot,
    And kills him with a single shot.
    Pig, peeping through the window, stood
    And yelled, 'Well done, Miss Riding Hood!'

    Ah, Piglet, you must never trust
    Young ladies from the upper crust.
    For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes,
    Not only has two wolfskin coats,
    But when she goes from place to place,

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    This is an unanticipated and unexpected poem. Though the title sounds childish, it is a complete transformation of the story Three Little Pigs! Roald Dahl has a creative mind which I...

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  17. 15. Little Red Riding Hood And The Wolf

    This poem was published in Revolting Rhymes, a collection of six Roald Dahl poems published in 1982. Each poem is a parody of a traditional folk tale. He provides a re-interpretation and surprise ending instead of the traditional happily-ever-after ending. Read to find out the gory twist in this Little Red Riding Hood story.

    As soon as Wolf began to feel
    That he would like a decent meal,
    He went and knocked on Grandma's door.
    When Grandma opened it, she saw
    The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,
    And Wolfie said, 'May I come in?'
    Poor Grandmamma was terrified,
    'He's going to eat me up!' she cried.
    And she was absolutely right.
    He ate her up in one big bite.
    But Grandmamma was small and tough,
    And Wolfie wailed, 'That's not enough!
    I haven't yet begun to feel
    That I have had a decent meal!'
    He ran around the kitchen yelping,
    'I've got to have a second helping!'

    Then added with a frightful leer,
    'I'm therefore going to wait right here
    Till Little Miss Red Riding Hood
    Comes home from walking in the wood.'

    He quickly put on Grandma's clothes,
    (Of course he hadn't eaten those).
    He dressed himself in coat and hat.
    He put on shoes, and after that,
    He even brushed and curled his hair,
    Then sat himself in Grandma's chair.

    In came the little girl in red.
    She stopped. She stared. And then she said,
    'What great big ears you have, Grandma.'
    'All the better to hear you with,'
    the Wolf replied.
    'What great big eyes you have, Grandma.'
    said Little Red Riding Hood.
    'All the better to see you with,'
    the Wolf replied.
    He sat there watching her and smiled.
    He thought, I'm going to eat this child.
    Compared with her old Grandmamma,
    She's going to taste like caviar.

    Then Little Red Riding Hood said, '
    But Grandma, what a lovely great big
    furry coat you have on.'

    'That's wrong!' cried Wolf.
    'Have you forgot
    To tell me what BIG TEETH I've got?
    Ah well, no matter what you say,
    I'm going to eat you anyway.'

    The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers.
    She whips a pistol from her knickers.
    She aims it at the creature's head,
    And bang bang bang, she shoots him dead.

    A few weeks later, in the wood,
    I came across Miss Riding Hood.
    But what a change! No cloak of red,
    No silly hood upon her head.
    She said, 'Hello, and do please note
    My lovely furry wolfskin coat.'

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    Hi, my name is Mary, and I really like to read the Roald Dahl poems because they are really funny.

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  18. 16. Cinderella

    This poem was published in Revolting Rhymes, a collection of six Roald Dahl poems published in 1982. Each poem is a parody of a traditional folk tale. He provides a re-interpretation and surprise ending instead of the traditional happily-ever-after ending. This poem shows a different side of the Cinderella story that everyone knows. It has some gory twists and turns.

    I guess you think you know this story.
    You don't. The real one's much more gory.
    The phoney one, the one you know,
    Was cooked up years and years ago,
    And made to sound all soft and sappy
    just to keep the children happy.
    Mind you, they got the first bit right,
    The bit where, in the dead of night,
    The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,
    Departed for the Palace Ball,
    While darling little Cinderella
    Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
    Where rats who wanted things to eat,
    Began to nibble at her feet.

    She bellowed 'Help!' and 'Let me out!
    The Magic Fairy heard her shout.
    Appearing in a blaze of light,
    She said: 'My dear, are you all right?'
    'All right?' cried Cindy .'Can't you see
    'I feel as rotten as can be!'
    She beat her fist against the wall,
    And shouted, 'Get me to the Ball!
    'There is a Disco at the Palace!
    'The rest have gone and I am jealous!
    'I want a dress! I want a coach!
    'And earrings and a diamond brooch!
    'And silver slippers, two of those!
    'And lovely nylon panty hose!
    'Done up like that I'll guarantee
    'The handsome Prince will fall for me!'
    The Fairy said, 'Hang on a tick.'
    She gave her wand a mighty flick
    And quickly, in no time at all,
    Cindy was at the Palace Ball!

    It made the Ugly Sisters wince
    To see her dancing with the Prince.
    She held him very tight and pressed
    herself against his manly chest.
    The Prince himself was turned to pulp,
    All he could do was gasp and gulp.
    Then midnight struck. She shouted, 'Heck!
    I've got to run to save my neck!'
    The Prince cried, 'No! Alas! Alack!'
    He grabbed her dress to hold her back.
    As Cindy shouted, 'Let me go!'
    The dress was ripped from head to toe.

    She ran out in her underwear,
    And lost one slipper on the stair.
    The Prince was on it like a dart,
    He pressed it to his pounding heart,
    'The girl this slipper fits,' he cried,
    'Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!
    I'll visit every house in town
    'Until I've tracked the maiden down!'
    Then rather carelessly, I fear,
    He placed it on a crate of beer.

    At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,
    (The one whose face was blotched with blisters)
    Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,
    And quickly flushed it down the loo.
    Then in its place she calmly put
    The slipper from her own left foot.
    Ah ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,
    And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.

    Next day, the Prince went charging down
    To knock on all the doors in town.
    In every house, the tension grew.
    Who was the owner of the shoe?
    The shoe was long and very wide.
    (A normal foot got lost inside.)
    Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
    (The owner's feet were hot and sticky.)
    Thousands of eager people came
    To try it on, but all in vain.
    Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.
    One tried it on. The Prince screamed, 'No!'
    But she screamed, 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!
    'So now you've got to marry me!'
    The Prince went white from ear to ear.
    He muttered, 'Let me out of here.'
    'Oh no you don't! You made a vow!
    'There's no way you can back out now!'
    'Off with her head!' The Prince roared back.
    They chopped it off with one big whack.
    This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,
    'She's prettier without her head.'
    Then up came Sister Number Two,
    Who yelled, 'Now I will try the shoe!'
    'Try this instead!' the Prince yelled back.
    He swung his trusty sword and smack
    Her head went crashing to the ground.
    It bounced a bit and rolled around.
    In the kitchen, peeling spuds,
    Cinderella heard the thuds
    Of bouncing heads upon the floor,
    And poked her own head round the door.
    'What's all the racket? 'Cindy cried.
    'Mind your own bizz,' the Prince replied.
    Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.
    My Prince! she thought. He chops off heads!
    How could I marry anyone
    Who does that sort of thing for fun?

    The Prince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut?
    'Off with her nut! Off with her nut!'
    Just then, all in a blaze of light,
    The Magic Fairy hove in sight,
    Her Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!
    'Cindy! 'she cried, 'come make a wish!
    'Wish anything and have no doubt
    'That I will make it come about!'
    Cindy answered, 'Oh kind Fairy,
    'This time I shall be more wary.
    'No more Princes, no more money.
    'I have had my taste of honey.
    I'm wishing for a decent man.
    'They're hard to find. D'you think you can?'
    Within a minute, Cinderella
    Was married to a lovely feller,
    A simple jam maker by trade,
    Who sold good home-made marmalade.
    Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
    And they were happy ever after.

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    Yes, Roald Dahl has a whole book of revolting rhymes like this one. You should read it. Hilarious.

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  19. 17. Dead Is Dead

    When my father died some 30 years ago, his brother called and told me my dad had "expired." I wondered why he just didn't tell me he died. Since that time I have collected a list of euphemisms available for those who find it difficult to inform someone of a close relative's death by telling how it is. I find some of them quite funny, and perhaps you will too. I hope to hear from you sometime before I "occupy a horizontal phone booth."

    Funny Poem About Death

    When somebody dies, folks hardly ever say "dead."
    They prefer "expired" or "departed" instead.
    Most of the euphemisms don't do any harm,
    Like "biting the dust" or "buying the farm."

    There are "fallen off the perch" and "given up the ghost."
    "Taking a dirt nap" is one I like most.
    "Kicked the oxygen habit" and "gone offline"
    Are a couple favorites of mine.

    How about "at room temperature" or "fell off the twig,"
    "Wearing a toe tag" or "played his last gig"?
    "Bought a pine condo" and "six feet under,"
    "Became a root inspector" makes one wonder.

    Try "went belly up" and "bit the biscuit."
    "Laid down his burden" and never missed it.
    "Gone to his maker" and "out of print,"
    "In a horizontal phone booth" for a permanent stint.

    "Defunct," "extinct," and "in the crisper."
    Most say 'em no louder than a whisper.
    "Gone to sleep city" and "passed his sell by date,"
    "Cashed in his chips at the pearly gate."

    Now we could go on, but you get the point.
    Have a fun in life before "checking out of this joint,"
    And should you come to my funeral, don't bring a thing.
    Just sit back and listen to the fat lady sing.

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    I found this poem very refreshing and true. Very good.

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  20. 18. Travel Blues

    My name is Alan Balter, and I am a retired university professor. They call me "Professor Emeritus," a title with no benefit wharever except to remind me that I'm old. I had a wonderful 35 year career preparing teachers for children and adolescents with special needs. Now, in retirement, I have taken to writing novels and poetry. This keeps me stimulated and, at the same time preserves my dear wife's sanity.

    Poem About The The Rigors Of Travel

    A voyage abroad with my good wife Maude turned into a real mess
    In need of some rest in Budapest, about all I got was stress
    Then in France I took a chance on some pork a little too rare
    I so regret that Monsieur's toilette was very crowded there

    We never found out if the rain in Spain falls mainly in the plains
    Because in Barcelona and again in Pamplona, I had severe head pains
    Many a folk strolled through churches baroque, the greatest in the area
    Only I felt blue stretched out on a pew, certain I had malaria

    Europe had been tough, really rough, things had gotten out of hand
    So we gathered our stuff and left in a huff to visit the holy land
    Then I tripped on a boulder and bruised my shoulder; alas, we had to leave
    'Cause wearing a sling in the early spring is awkward in Tel Aviv

    Maude was irked that nothing had worked; still she said with a smile
    "Let's conform and go someplace warm, maybe a tropical isle"
    But a ruptured achilles in the Antilles I accomplished with astonishing ease
    It laid me low, don't you know, as an intestinal disease in Belize

    Clearly time to abort so we cut our trip short and headed to Colorado
    To see the Canyon with mules for companions and demonstrate our bravado
    No need for applause or an ovation because of anything we did dramatic
    Just find me a shrink who doesn't drink and treats problems psychosomatic

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  21. 19. Willis

    This is a true story about a friend of ours who would ride his horse into town to the local saloon for a few chug-a-lugs, but one day his luck ran out and guess what? Yep, got caught by the officers.

    A Cowboy And His Horse

    Willis the cowpoke rode into town
    On his Old Jugs, just horsing around.
    Down highway 26 he rode Old Jugs
    To the local saloon for a few chug-a-lugs.

    Tying to a flag pole, Old Jugs he did hitch.
    Into the saloon, a thirst he did quench.
    An officer steps up and warns with a frown,
    "Get on your horse and ride out of town!"

    The sheriff is coming not far behind.
    Old Jugs to the shelter and Willis a fine,
    So Willis, he jumps on Old Jugs and replies,
    “Not my horse to the shelter, you will not take.
    I'll ride him on home; no law will I break."

    The sheriff steps up and says to dismount.
    A test of sobriety we must have the count.
    The charge was drunk driving while riding on Jugs.
    A steep fine to pay for a few chug-a-lugs.

    A riled up Willis spent the night in the tank
    To pay for a charge he claimed not to make.
    Down to the courthouse he'll saddle up and ride
    To face his accusers with Old Jugs by his side.

    But we all know when it's all said and done,
    He'll saddle Old Jugs and ride into town for

    A few chug-a-lugs.

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    These men get very well acquainted with their horses, their ole pals you might say, The clumping of horse hooves, the whinney demand for carrots and sugar cubes, the barn yard smell. kinda...

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  22. 20. Peace And Quiet

    • By Jonathan Mark Pina
    •  Published by Family Friend Poems December 2015

    This is just a little humorous poem I wrote about living in modern day life.

    Poem About Not Wanting To Rest

    Turn it up please
    Can you make that
    A little louder?

    The silence in my head
    Grows more deafening
    By the hour

    I don't need rest
    Or even peace
    And tranquility

    I need constant
    Excitement and hostility

    Don't ask my mind
    To relax and
    Take a break

    Do you expect me
    To just sit here
    Bored to death and meditate?

    I'm used to
    Loud noise
    And the pounding
    Frenetic pace

    Of the madness
    That's become
    What was once
    The Human Race

    Give me car chase scenes
    Give me pumpin'

    Give me fist fights
    And rumbles
    And hot, sexy foxes

    Feed me screams
    And explosions
    That take away my breath

    Give me a taste of anarchy
    And a double dose
    Of death

    I need sitcoms
    And Facebook
    And YouTube

    Give me smart phones
    And Twitter
    And laptops 
    And Yahoo

    Please help me escape
    'Cause I don't wanna be

    I need to keep busy
    So I ain't stuck here
    With only

    My thoughts
    There's nothin' but
    Tumble weeds blowin'

    I forgot how to think
    Where was I
    Going with this?

    Never mind
    Feed me a
    Steady diet

    Super-size my stimuli
    But please hold the
    Peace and quiet!

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