Poem about Teen Life

I had never written a poem about how I thought of myself, and when a teacher of mine had asked me to write one I did and she had said, "No this is not what I want. I want something that tells the real Amanda's' story, so try again." So I thought and thought and this is what I came up with. I want to say thank you to my teacher for pretty much forcing me to write about how I truly feel because if I wouldn't or hadn't written this poem I would still be trying to land my 747. But thanks and hope you enjoy.

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Stagnation

©

Published: March 2013

Come and take a look behind the curtain..
Peer under the surface to see things that are dark for certain
Beneath the coat of smiles and jokes
Is a dark abyss with the humanity being choked
Yes I tend to do things sometimes that seem like I'm not correct in the mind.
It's because I'm so lost and confused, sanity is so hard to find
I really think at times that I'm going crazy
And that I'm losing my conscience, when tear jerker stories don't even phase me
It's crazy that at times I'll make myself cry
Just so no one can see how numb I am inside
Everyone seems to have an answer to my problems
Like they're my psychiatrist, like they're Dr. Phil, they can solve 'em.
Nobody knows the atrocities I've seen
The horrible terrible things that even I've dreamed
I don't say this to get pity or sympathy
I just want you to know, I just want somebody to see the true me
To see my struggle to keep this world upright
To see my constant battle against my demons at night
To witness the crushing agony of defeat
When everything constantly falls to pieces around me
To realize that at times I cling to the best things in my life
With a death-grip I fight for the things that make me smile
Anything...just to numb the pain for awhile
Anything..just to make the world change for awhile
Anything...just to give me some peace for awhile
I know I'm an addict, there's no room for denial
My chemical substances serve as my trial by fire
Things seem better as I get higher and higher
The world seems so much farther beneath me
That it doesn't look right it seems almost surreal to me
My head is my cell
And this world is my hell
But thank God for the chance of happy endings
Otherwise I wouldn't give it the chance to tell
And while I'm spilling every thought in my head
I might as well spill some more until my creativity is dead
I want to say sorry to the people who put faith in me...
To the people who thought that this world would never break me
To the people who hoped that I would do something better
To all the people who I've disappointed...ever...
I'm not as strong as you think I am
I'm not for sure if I have what it takes to be a woman
I do what I can, but I can't fight who I am
I know I've messed up your plans, and folded my own hands
But you have to understand
I'm doing the best I can
I know I'm not making the greatest of sense
But try and read between the lines and you might understand it
I can hear myself screaming internally
And why am I filled with such uncertainty?
It's burning me
From the inside out
And one day it will kill me..there is no doubt
If I don't overcome it...if I don't move past it
I just wish I knew exactly how to go about it
I don't know what I mean by any of this
I'm not even sure if this all even makes sense
But it's raw, unscripted, and entirely free handed
My life's a Boeing 747. I hope I can land it...

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