Humorous Poems - Page 2

Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
and he didn't leave much to Ma and me,
just this old guitar and a bottle of booze.
Now I don't blame him because he run and hid,
but the meanest thing that he ever did was
before he left he went and named me Sue.

Well, he must have thought it was quite a joke,
and it got lots of laughs from a lot of folks,
it seems I had to fight my whole life through.
Some gal would giggle and I'd get red
and some guy would laugh and I'd bust his head,
I tell you, life ain't easy for a boy named Sue.

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean.
My fist got hard and my wits got keen.
Roamed from town to town to hide my shame,
but I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
I'd search the honky tonks and bars and kill
that man that gave me that awful name.

But it was Gatlinburg in mid July and I had
just hit town and my throat was dry.
I'd thought i'd stop and have myself a brew.
At an old saloon in a street of mud
and at a table dealing stud sat the dirty,
mangy dog that named me Sue.

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad
from a worn-out picture that my mother had
and I knew the scar on his cheek and his evil eye.
He was big and bent and gray and old
and I looked at him and my blood ran cold,
and I said, "My name is Sue. How do you do?
Now you're gonna die." Yeah, that's what I told him.

Well, I hit him right between the eyes and he went down
but to my surprise he came up with a knife
and cut off a piece of my ear. But I busted a chair
right across his teeth. And we crashed through
the wall and into the street kicking and a-gouging
in the mud and the blood and the beer.

I tell you I've fought tougher men but I really can't remember when.
He kicked like a mule and bit like a crocodile.
I heard him laughin' and then I heard him cussin',
he went for his gun and I pulled mine first.
He stood there looking at me and I saw him smile.

And he said, "Son, this world is rough and if
a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
and I knew I wouldn't be there to help you along.
So I gave you that name and I said 'Goodbye'.
I knew you'd have to get tough or die. And it's
that name that helped to make you strong."

Yeah, he said, "Now you have just fought one
helluva fight, and I know you hate me and you've
got the right to kill me now and I wouldn't blame you
if you do. But you ought to thank me
before I die for the gravel in your guts and the spit
in your eye because I'm the guy that named you Sue."
Yeah, what could I do? What could I do?

I got all choked up and I threw down my gun,
called him pa and he called me a son,
and I came away with a different point of view
and I think about him now and then.
Every time I tried, every time I win and if I
ever have a son I think I am gonna name him
Bill or George - anything but Sue.

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was sleeping -- not pet, child or spouse.
The people were tossing and turning in beds
With visions of bills dancing 'round in their heads.
Their wood chairs were stacked in the fireplace by three's
If it burns through the night then the family won't freeze.

Then out on the street they heard glass start to shatter
They jumped up in fright with their teeth all a-chatter
They peeked out their windows and under the stars,
saw a red-suited fat man repossessing their cars.
He tied each to his sled and affixed them with chains
Then plopped in his seat and snapped with his reins:

"On Beemer, on Caddie, on Lexus, and Ford,
On Volvo, on Prius, on Honda Accord."

Then off he did fly like a lumbering float
But not before he had texted this note:

"Beware dear America, for you've not seen the light
You still think 'the good life' is your natural birth right.
Thanks to Internet access, this world's grown quite small
The Windows are open where once there were walls.
The Earth may look round, but it's flattening fast
And those now in first place may soon be in last.

Study science and math -- learn a skill that is new,
If you don't, your job prospects are sure to be few.
Your Santa's been outsourced -- I'm a Bangalore Gnome
Your bank has just emailed -- they've foreclosed on your home
And not long ago your boss faxed to say
You've just lost your job and your 401-K"

Then off in the distance we heard him opine:
"There are millions in Asia now standing in line!
Merry Christmas to all and to all lots o' luck
Take heed of my words or you'll surely be *^#*ed".

Our street was once a peaceful place
Kids played and you could jog
But our tranquil life was shattered
When the neighbour got a dog.

The thing would howl all through the day
And even after dark
And just as you tried to go to sleep...
The mongrel thing would bark.

It soiled all the lawns, but his
It chased the Postie's bike
And anyone who whined at all
Was told to "Take a hike!"

Old Bazza asked the owner straight
To silence the ugly brute
But the neighbour said
"My dog don't bark!"
"And I think he's rather cute."

The neighbourhood was up in arms
So of his own volition
Old Bazza went from door to door
And took up a petition.

The Council gravely listened
Then notified the Pound
Who gave the bloke a warning
But didn't take the hound.

One night Bazza came home late
(He'd had a lot to drink)
And when the thing began to howl
It pushed him to the brink.

He parked the car down near the curb
Then with bonnet lifted wide
He blasted on the air horns
Until the battery died.

Not satisfied his point was made
Into the street he strode
Then barked and howled for all to hear
In the middle of the road.

"Woof Woof, Bloody Woof Woof!"
He yelled it out with force
Until all the neighbours were awake
And he was nearly hoarse.

But his goings-on were tempered
By a team of Police in black
Who suddenly appeared en masse
And cut short his attack.

They tackled him and put him down
His shorts and shirt were torn
His face was in the wood chip
And his hair wore bits of lawn.

Now Bazza is a legend
And he takes great pains to tell
How the mutt next door could howl and bark
And give the neighbours hell

He could foul the grass and bite the kids
And never get molested
But when Bazza tried to do the same
He promptly got arrested.

Green is so important
Because we see it all around
It's up very high on the trees
And on the grass that is on the ground

Green is the colour of
The plants that grow in the south
It's also the colour of a Brussels sprout
That I refuse to put in my mouth

Green is on the traffic light
When the cars can go
All the green disappears
When it starts to snow

The most important thing about the colour green
Is because of my mother
NO she is not green
It's her favourite colour

I was at home watching TV
flicking the channels what could I see
lady gaga got an award and as she got out of her seat
I was amazed she was wearing a dress made of meat
I thought if it's good for gaga it's good for me
I was down the butchers by half past three
stood at the counter clothes round my feet
I said have you something to fit me that's stylish and neat
he held up a chipolata cheeky sod
hey this is what I was gifted from god
well I got pork chops for pants and rump for a hat
turkey trousers and a sausage cravat
when he was finished I minced down the street
walking on kidneys made for my feet
but soon in the heat I started to foam
then I walked passed the stray dog home
well there was chaos I tried to run
as German Sheppard pulled the steak from my bum
a sausage dog grabbed my sausage a basset my chops
it was such chaos I emptied the shops
so my friends if a meat dress your tempted to make
take it from me it's a big big mis- steak.

You're the love of my life and the cause of my strife
You dirty cigarette
I've made many mistakes in my many days
But you are my one regret
You wooed me with words like relaxing and cool
And I believed it like a silly fool
Now I'm all wheezy, spluttering, and choking
All because of the ciggies I'm smoking
You had me hooked on the very first try
And I love you, but I'll hate you till I die
And that day will come more soon than late
If we continue this affair where my lungs are a state
Yes, even though it will break my heart
The time has come for us to part
So long my slim and smoldering friend
This is it, this is the end
No more smelly puffs for me
You are now stubbed out and I am free

I did not wish to write this poem,
But it would not leave me be.
Throughout the night,
Throughout the day,
No matter what, it would not go away.

I did not wish to write this poem,
But it took over me.
Forced my hand to pen it down,
My brain to think of nothing else,
Until it was done, I knew no rest.

I did not wish to write this poem,
But here it is before me.
The ghost that possessed me laid to rest.
These last lines are the final rites,
For the poem I did not wish to write.

I can not write a poem; my brain feels fried.
It can do no more.
It is as though all my creativity has been trapped, isolated in a room without a door.

I fell no inspiration, no ideas are coming to mind.
And as I hold this pen in my hands I can form no words on the lines.

When I think I'm finally on to something it quickly leaves my brain.
Leaving me frustrated and thinking this is all in vain.

So I'm sorry if you wanted to hear a poem that surprised or shocked
but I just can't give you one, for I have WRITER'S BLOCK!

A chimp named Bob had a fancy
For a banana tree
That lived in the jungle nearby
His love was plain to see.

Now, Bob was not the smartest chimp
To ever walk the Earth-
In fact, at two he learned to hate
And then rejoiced with mirth.

He walked to this tree every day
And picked her sweet, sweet fruit,
And when she dropped one on his head
He thought it was a hoot!

One day, so overcome with love
As he got out of bed
He said, "You're just as sweet as cake-
I'm thinking we should wed."

So on a sticky jungle day,
The two of them eloped
The turnout came to more than three-
Much better than he'd hoped.

But then around some humans came
And with some noticed strife
Walked through the forest, backs upright
And chopped down Bob's new wife.
Now Bob, oh Bob, he seemed upset
But only for awhile,
For by the next day, he forgot
And loved a crocodile.

So he was not the smartest chimp
To ever walk the land,
But, save for that banana tree,
He thought his life was grand.