The Forgotten Mother

• by Jeanne Marino
• 2 years ago

My husband died at age 39, and I raised 2 young children. We were very close. As adults, they don't call or visit. I turned 68 today and neither child remembered. This hurts because it will be my last birthday. I'm terminally ill, and to be quite honest, the neglect hurts. I feel as if they like the idea of having a mother around.

• by Kate Fostet
• 2 years ago

There is some solace in shared suffering and I extend heartfelt sympathies to all the mothers who live with the daily heartache of either estrangement from a child or minimal conflicted contact. When there are grandchildren involved as well, it adds an extra layer of pain and loss. So very painful. My faith in God is the only thing that sustains me.....Don't look down...look up! He knows our pain and we are not alone.

• by Ann Burton
• 3 years ago

I have one son who I have always had a special connection with and who always remembers me on my birthday and Mother's Day. He is a special man and I love him to pieces. My other son, however, does not talk to me or want me in his life. He ignores me on Mothers' Day and my birthday, but he calls my husband on Fathers' Day and on his birthday and also sends presents. My heart is full on one hand but breaks on another. I feel with the son that ignores me I have done a 180 turn. It used to bother me to the point I was miserable. I changed. I figure I am done trying. If he wants it that way, so be it. He is missing out. He is the one that is doing the wrong. I gave him everything. I now feel that when other people say that I raised him right I go ahead and say thank you and feel proud for me because I know I was a good mother. A lady a long time ago said to me, "Oh, no. Two boys. You need to have a girl." Well, maybe.

• by Tabetha
• 4 years ago

This describes my situation. My kids have grown. I thought I'd get at least a call or a text, but not one until I thought to shame them on Facebook today, but nicely I just put a post up thanking everyone who sent me a Happy Mother's Day wish. One quickly sent me a text, but I got nothing from the other one. I have cried all day and tried to get over this, knowing they have things going on, but my heart hurts so bad. I'm feeling lost and hurt right now.

• by Flo
• 4 years ago

Yep, I can relate. It's the eve before Mother's Day and it was confirmed that my adult daughters have nothing planned for me for tomorrow (again). One lives in my apartment and the other one lives 1.5 miles away. I don't even question whether I was a good mom to them. I was. For years, I felt confused about why they show such little love to me. I still don't know why.

• by Agatha Wood
• 5 years ago

Thank you all so much. I am sitting here wondering where I went wrong with my children. I am a single mother with a daughter 45 and a son of 26 years. All my life so far has been around children yet from the start my daughter denied my having a close relationship with my grandchildren. The horrible things she says to me I felt I've been mentally abused, so I decided to walk away from her for the sake of my sanity. Both my children have succeeded in their lives of which I am very proud. My son gave me a surprise birthday in Mexico (11 hours to prepare) only for us to arrive and he left me alone for the first 3 nights. When I complained about this he went crazy and said I was ungrateful. He did not speak to me for the rest of the holiday and is still not speaking to me now. We went on holiday 4 months ago. He has blocked me so I cannot call him. I am heartbroken.

• by Donna Lindgren
• 5 years ago

Kids are still at home. My husband and I took them into our lives in 2005 since their mentally ill mom, who is my oldest daughter, couldn't care for them. They were 2, 3, and 5 years old. Raised them together until my husband died in 2012. Struggled hard but got it together. Kids are great, polite, and respectful to others and have good morals. But I feel unappreciated and unloved. I love them so much and have poured my life and my love into them. They think their Mom is perfect - I love her too, don't get me wrong - but they save all their criticism for me. On Mother's Day I am an afterthought.

• by Charles Harper
• 6 years ago

Poignant posts. Very hard to read, but I couldn't stop. I raised my kids and can see the moment when I'll likely feel the same as the above writers. My father's gone but mom's still here. I certainly don't do enough to keep connected with her. Life is bitter at the end.

• by Anonymous
• 6 years ago

I'm so very sad & heartbroken today. Your stories have at least made me feel like I'm not the only mother who is alone today. My story is so much like most of yours. May God comfort all of us today and all the days ahead. At least I know He loves me and that one day I'll no longer cry rivers of tears.

• by Beth
• 6 years ago

I hate Mother's Day. For years, while I was trying to get pregnant, it seemed I was a failure when this day rolled around. Now, after having raised and loved an adopted son, I am one of those who is unacknowledged on this day. Like I'm not a REAL Mother. I am moving on, letting go of expectations, getting on with my life. But I still hate this day.

• by Elise Hanson
• 6 years ago

My heart hurts so bad for all mothers who are hurting. My situation is similar to yours, Tracey. I have one daughter and two sons. I tend to blame myself now and then as I was somewhat permissive. I taught my children to be kind, caring, compassionate, to help others always. They do, but not when it comes to me.
When my children were young, I was told by friends and some family that I shouldn't let my children run over me as I sometimes did. I just wanted them to be happy, and I still do! I pray that they try to show me they love me. If they would just include me, I'd be so thankful! I miss them all so much! Before my beloved late mother passed away in July 2015, she encouraged my children to do right by me, and most often they did. Now that I'm missing my dear mom terribly. I'm missing my children and grandchildren too. I'm just forgotten.
I'm praying for us all, that our situations improve greatly with our precious children! God is for us! I love all of you moms and wish you a Happy Mother's Day! In God's Love, Elise <3

• by Devlin
• 6 years ago

The poem is sad, and so are all the comments. I have always believed that the relationships we have in our lives is a two-way street (should be). I know in my personal life I do all the calling and visiting (always have). The only time I hear from my parents is when "they" want something. The phone rings, I answer, and wait for the request. It always comes (even though I never say anything). Yet, when they don't hear from me, it's always, "Why don't you ever call, why don't you visit?" After awhile, as we get older we get tired of doing all the giving. So we slow down. Life changes you. It's a fact and inevitable. Perhaps this is what happened to our parents. Generation after generation it gets passed on. I will admit, however, the world is different today (everyone is selfish and thinks of themselves). Sign of the times? God will judge us all. He is the one we will answer to...in the end. It is your choice to believe that or not. ;)

• by Tracey
• 7 years ago

I can totally relate to the mothers on here who feel uncared for by their adult children. I raised three boys by myself. Their dad lived several states away and didn't make much effort. I was there for everything...I tried to make holidays special, birthdays, and everyday things. I was not a perfect mother, but I always thought that my sons would know how much I loved them and that we'd always have a good relationship. Now it's as if I am totally forgotten. The married one does what his wife wants for holidays. I just found out that Easter, which is in a week, will be spent with their friends, and of course the fact that I'm alone does not mean anything to them. I have tried inviting them for holidays in advance in the past, only to have them back out, so I quit trying. I have another son out of state, too far to visit, and my one son who lives close is always with his girlfriend on holidays. It is hard not to feel like a failure when you're alone--again. I miss them so very much!!

• by Sue
• 7 years ago

Could money be the explanation of adult children's choices? Back in the days, in the Bible, the "Parable of the Prodigal Child" speaks about the adult son who wants his inheritance, spends it all, and when it is all gone returns home. Is money the common thread in the stories of people who have been abandoned by their adult children? Is that the reason they prefer their in-laws, because they are wealthier than their own parents? When the adult children have a good education, are doing a lot better than their own parents, can buy themselves all this expensive stuff, they do not need their parents anymore. Their parents who live in an old house, with second hand furniture, hand-me-down clothes, an old car, holding modest jobs. And of course, who cannot give them any money.
Just wondering.

• by Dee-Anna Moore
• 7 years ago

So sad that some children do this...mine do...only seems they have contact when it's convenient for them. All the while you (the parent) is silently missing them. My parents have been gone a very long time, and I NEVER treated them this way. Just sad...

• by Sheri
• 7 years ago

I'm always moved by the postings of parents who have been left behind. Mothers who raised their children alone and are now outsiders. Parents who have been alienated by those they raised. As a mother who knows the pain of an adult child's rejection, I formed an online community and wrote a book to help parents abandoned by adult children: Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children. Hope can remain, and rejected parents can move forward in a happy life.
Sheri McGregor

• by Niki Bentley
• 7 years ago

I can relate..there is some solace in knowing I am not alone. However, being a single mother, doing my best and raising two adult boys who are now successful men, husbands , and fathers, I feel a deep sadness. I am not included, and always made to feel like I have done them a horrible wrong in some way. I can't do anything right. I am starting to wonder what's wrong with me. Yet their father and I divorced when they were small, he rarely saw them, paid little support, lives 3000 miles away and they welcome him into their homes. I wish I could let it go. It makes me feel so small. Like I am a failure.

• by Forgotten Mom And Dad
• 7 years ago

My husband and I are always neglected; they spend each holiday w/ the DIL's family, which only hurts because it is *all* of the holidays and they show Them they care...but not us. That is a very painful contrast. We always showed family unity on both sides of the family and caring for every individual family member's special event no matter if we were close to them or not: it is not unreasonable to expect and hope for the same thoughtful consideration in return. This isn't about materialism. Most parents just want to be shown that they matter.

What would make a difference? Just being sent a free "Happy Birthday!" image off of the internet and sending it in an email. Then we could print it out and have something tangible to cherish. That would make a big difference. But it has never happened, and we've learned not to hold our breath. At least my husband and I will go to our graves knowing we never inflicted this type of emotional pain on our own parents. But, so much for karma.

• by Martine Cochrane
• 8 years ago

All these posts make me very sad.
You all talk about how much you sacrificed for your children, but YOU made them.
They didn't ask to be born! How can you say that you sacrificed your life for them when it was your choice to have them?
I am a mother of three boys. I don't expect anything from them, I just want them to be happy with their life.
I didn't have them so that I had someone to take care of me when I'm old, or keep me company when I'm lonely. Yes, it's nice when our children do interact with us, but if you change your attitudes and stopped making their life conditional, surely they would want to spend more time with you?
Look inside yourselves for your happiness. Don't look to find it from someone else!
.
As A wise Native American once said,

"We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors,
We borrow it from our children!"

Wishing you all happiness from within, not from without! x

• by Judi Judge
• 8 years ago

I have thought about the fact that I have not heard from my children for a while. I raised them and sacrificed for them all of their lives.They used to include me in a lot of things, but I hardly ever hear from them now unless they need something. I am a breast cancer survivor and had to quit working and retired. I get depressed and cry about it a lot because I love them so much, but they seem to have forgotten me. My oldest daughter is very religious. She stays too busy with her art gallery and church to think about me. My other daughter is a functioning alcoholic who cannot pass her regular bar after work to visit or call. My divorced son just fell in love again so now I don't hear from him either. He used to stop by a few days a week. I only see my grandchildren at Christmas, and my great grandchildren don't even know who I am, it breaks my heart. I try to stay busy, even opened two Etsy shops on line, but it still does not fill that void in my life.

• by PHYLLIS MCCORD, Chesterton, Indiana
• 8 years ago

WOW...and I thought my children were the only ones who had forgotten how much I sacrificed and how hard I worked just to get by. Now, in my retirement years, a phone call is a rare thing. Of my five, I have 2 who seem to care although they are not exactly "in my face" on a regular basis. I learned something from it all. Really...don't count on your offspring in your golden years. They are much too busy with fancy phones and Facebook to give you the time of day. I love my kids. Maybe I wasn't the best mother, but my love never wavered and never will. I called them last week to tell them I loved them (on cell phones that never get answered) and of the five, I heard back from ONE. Sad days we are living in ladies. It is my fervent prayer that those of you who have been wounded by the "me-itis" that has infected today's youth will heal and find some peace and joy in your life exclusive of those who hurt you. God bless.

• by Richa, Virginia
• 8 years ago

I too have been a devoted single mother. My now 30 year old daughter always adored me but recession of 2009 bought some hard times. I at 50 found myself unemployed for 4 years and my daughter was too mixed up in her life as my energy was running thin. She was not there to give me emotional support but accused me instead and said cruel words which fed into a mild depression. Anyway, she gives all her energy and love to her friends and her new family/ families as she just got married. I am the forgotten and feel worse than death itself to find myself so very unloved and last on her list if even that. I have to always swallow my pride and be the grown up just to get some stolen moments that I can live on. So, I too cry as I write this and join some of you in your pain. 3 years ago I would have never imagined this as everyone envied our relationship.

• by Olga, Ohio
• 9 years ago

My eyes filled with tears as I read this poem and the shared stories of others. I realized that I am not alone. I raised my daughter from the age of 3 on my own. Any single parent knows what a struggle that can be. I was there for her each and every time she needed help. Today, she hasn't spoken to me in over 8 months because I disagreed with something she wanted to do. No Mother's Day card, no birthday card, no phone call. Nothing. It hurts so much. And you wonder why is this happening? What have you done wrong?
When my father died, I made sure to see my mother, who lived on her own, every weekend to take her shopping and for my daughter and myself to have dinner with her on Sundays. It gave my mother something to look forward to. I did this until she died at age 86 and I don't regret one moment.
I can relate to the above poem and to the mothers who shared their stories. I wish there was a support group for forgotten mothers because there are so many of us. God bless you all and stay strong.

• by D. Lannoye
• 9 years ago

Before retiring, I worked in the senior living industry. I cannot even begin to tell you the times I have seen sadness in a seniors eyes because family has "forgotten them."
Old age is often portrayed as a time of take it easy, reflect and take hold of opportunities to do things that were put off while raising families. Unfortunately, the aging process is not always so pleasant. Events such as constant and possibly debilitating medical issues, the loss of friends and loved ones and the inability to take part in once-cherished activities can take a heavy toll on an aging person's emotional well-being.
While I worked in the senior living industry, I would have my employees write down the five most important things to them on slips of paper. I then had them fold the slips of paper and lay them down in front of them. As expected, the items would be things like - my children, my husband, my parents, my health etc. One by one, I would take a slip of paper from them to try and communicate the emotion of loss. None of us will totally understand what their loss feels like until we age, and walk in their shoes.
When I look at seniors, I see veterans that fought for our freedoms, farmers and ranchers who fed us from their long days of toil, teachers, nurses, and doctors. These individuals put the shovels in the ground and made this country what it is today. Honor them - remember them.

• by Julie, Ipswich Uk
• 9 years ago

We are now living with my 81 year old mother in law. It is very hard. She is suffering from severe depression, my husband has started smoking again after several years (outside) and I hit the wine as soon as I come home from work. I have a 91 year father and 86 year old mother who still look after themselves even though neither are totally fit, but they get on with it and I help as much as I can. My mother in law is totally and utterly pathetic and doesn't try to help herself expecting everyone to feel for her, I hate it, but she's old so therefore we accept that it is our duty to be there for her and support her as much as we can. If only she had been as supportive of us over the past 30 years, perhaps I wouldn't feel so bitter about the whole experience.

• by Dee Phillips
• 9 years ago

As I sit in this CICU with my mother, I cry. I live with her and care for her. I do the best that I can and often feel unappreciated. My life? My life is her until she dies. I wouldn't have it any other way. Shame on you children who are not there for their Mothers. My only sister passed years ago, my father is gone too. I know it's so depressing watching this unfold I just don't know what to do. I feel so alone.

• by Katy
• 9 years ago

I raised 3 children on my own, now that they have grown I'm now all alone. Mothers day is 2 days away and know one has called to make plans on spending the day with me. I just want to craw into a deep hole and cover up.

• by Shawana
• 9 years ago

OMG I have been taking care of my grandmother for 13 years. during that time I had the privilege of taking care of my mother too, she died in 08. It has been hard to watch my mother and grandmother realize that all that they have done for our family has gone unappreciated. It is a very sad thing to watch.

• by Delhi - India
• 10 years ago

Our daughter recently married and flew from our nest to another city where our son in law works. They make it a point to stay in touch with us over the months through phones, sms's and social network. Though we miss her a lot, we look forward to their calls , emails and messages.
Maybe we are one of the few lucky ones to have got loving children and our son in law has taken the place of a son in our lives.
It is equally important to realize that we need to give our children their personal space and respect their choice. Its all a matter of understanding and a little give and take and life goes on smoothly. ~ beegee

• by Ohio
• 10 years ago

I am This Grandmother. My heart aches for anyone that is going through having their family forget them. I wasn't perfect started at 16 being a mom but I never neglected my children. I have tried everything to be excepted, I have finally decided to leave well enough alone and go on without them. When my great granddaughter was born they didn't put me or my mother in the birth announcement I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. Maybe I shall divorce my children that treat me so unkindly. I have one out of seven that includes me in her life.

• by Carol, New Zealand
• 10 years ago

Today I sat and listened to a perfect stranger tell me about her children and how busy their lives are with work, children, events, holiday plans and with every part of their busy lives I watched her emotions pass across her face from happy to sad and at the end I saw contentment within her not hating nor begrudging them their lives.

I walked away later and reflected on what had just happened and realized how my mother must feel as we got on with our lives and realized that a stranger had given me insight to my mothers world.

I might not say I love you as much as I should and I get involved in my own world but I never stop thinking about you because without you their wouldn't be me. Love you forever xxxxx

• by Sister Lydia
• 10 years ago

I have realized that raising children is not a guarantee that anyone will be around in one's old age. Thus, I have steeled myself and taught me to be satisfied with my own company, hoping that God takes me out before I need to have someone help me in any infirmity. In other words, I'd rather be dead than depend on children or grandchildren in this age of elder and other types of abuse.

• by Darla, Wv
• 10 years ago

In 1999, I lost one of my best friends, in 2000, I lost a sister, 10 months younger than me, in 2001, I lost a 2nd sister, two years younger, in 2009, I lost a 3rd sister, also younger. In 2010, I lost my mother and a younger brother. In 2011, I lost my husband. After losing my husband and his income, I lost my home and had to move in with my daughter and son-in-law for 4 months. I have 3 grandchildren who I was very close to until recently when my daughter informed me that she did not want them around me because of my dark depression. I feel so lonely, so very sad and can completely identify with Terri from Va.

• by Terri, Suffolk VA
• 11 years ago

OMG, I am that woman, my son has totally forgotten me and I live with my daughter that wishes she could. I stay in my room all the time just to keep from feeling the way they make me feel. I am their only living parent and did my best, but I feel like they are punishing me for not being good enough :(

• by Maria, Texas
• 11 years ago

Thank you for sharing. Tears fell as I read this poem. This is all too familiar to me. I am that forgotten mother! I try to figure why my children don't include or want me in their lives, and in the lives of my grandchildren, when exactly did this happen, over time or all of the sudden? Wasn't I a good mother? Have I not always been there when they needed me? How can this be? Crying as I write this. Thank you again. Blessings to all the forgotten mothers out there.

• by Greg Isabel
• 11 years ago

Really touched my heart as my mom just turned 90 and I am only one of three children that seem to give a damn about her and I am wondering why...

None of us were abused or neglected, perhaps spoiled and she has always been there for all of us and yet my brother and my sister just don't seem to care...

Remember everyone, Dead noses can't smell Red roses, so treat the living right while they are still here to enjoy it!

• by Franca, Oregon
• 11 years ago

Thank you for sharing. Tears fell as I read this poem. The heart ache your mother describes is all too familiar to me. I am that woman! The poem takes away some of my pain as I realize I'm not the only mother that has been forgotten. I try to figure why my children don't include or want me in their lives, when exactly did this happen, over time or all of the sudden? Wasn't I a good mother? Have I not always been there when they needed me? How can this be?
Wow, I didn't realize I was carrying all this pain. Thank you again

• by Susann, Tx.
• 11 years ago

I am the youngest of 7 kids, I live 11 hours from my mom my oldest brother lives 20 miles from her drops by couple times a year at his own will. There are 3 more of her kids within 50 miles of her. One hasn't seen her in 7 years. She knows I love her and she knows they don't. You can't fix that.

• by Ft Oglethorpe, GA
• 13 years ago

I just moved my mother in the apartment around the corner from me so that I could take better care of her. I am next to the youngest of six kids all with the exception of one are within a maximum of 1.5 hours drive from here. Two brothers even go to a place down the street to eat and drink and sometimes my sister meets them. They have yet to come see my mother or even call for that matter. This poem pretty much sums it up for her. I try to make up the difference but some things can't be made up. Thank You