Humorous Poems - Page 2

I've looked all over, but I don't know where
I got stuck with all this hair.
Some hair's where there once was none!
I must have more than anyone!

Hair on my head and hair on my toes,
Near and on and up my nose.
Hair in my ears and hair on my face.
That gosh darn hair's all over the place!

I got hair on my hands and on my hips,
Around my eyes and on my lips.
My tongue, my back, my chest and neck.
How can I keep this hair in check?!

It's under my arms, on top of 'em, too.
Around my tummy, but what can I do?!
My ankles, fingers, elbows, knees!
"Give me a razor, will ya, please?!"

So tell me why! Is there a reason?
Maybe I'm in werewolf season!
Or maybe I'm a nice gorilla,
Bigfoot, bear or huge chinchilla!

Or maybe I'm a cute alpaca,
Or a racka... or Chewbacca!!
But one thing puts my mind at ease;
At least I don't have any fleas!!

So now, while looking in the mirror,
I see myself a little clearer.
A lot of hair is what I see.
"OMG!... It's really me!"

Know what? I like it, after all!
It cushions me if I should fall!
I know it may look awfully wild,
But better once I've had it styled.

A body perm might fill the bill
And really test a stylist's skill.
A dye job, too, would be attractive,
But that might be over reactive.

So, at the dresser's I will note,
"No, it's not a furry coat!
It's just my hair!" I'll say to him,
"Do your best, please... just a trim."

Spring has sprung, the time has come, for the greening of the trees
A time of change, renewal and growth for my allergies
Like everything else in this great world, Spring has its pluses and minuses
But its features are quite singular when it comes to my poor sinuses
A beautiful time of blossoms and buds, new branches and blue skies
But I can't enjoy them one little bit through my oozing, watery eyes
A neti pot, a nasal rinse, I'll try them, yes I will
I'll even take a 24-hour non-drowsy worthless pill
So listen cheerleaders of flowers and sun, to you I must disclose
Spring is not great for all of us, especially my nose

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50 k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

Mary had a little lamb
And a baked potato.
Mary had a salad too,
Of lettuce and tomato.

Mary asked for wine to drink,
So Daddy poured her some.
But Mommy said, "If you drink that,
I'll whip your little bum!"

So Mary chose dessert instead;
She had a choice to make:
Should I have a slice of pie,
Or a piece of cake?

But Mary couldn't quite decide,
So she took a bite of each.
It seemed the pie was rancid plum,
And the cake was rotted peach.

She gagged and spat the gross stuff out,
And hurled on the floor.
'twas then her mother grabbed her hair
And threw her out the door.

On goes the PC
Wonder who has messaged me
Loading up my Facebook
Gotta have a quick look
Ouch, somebody's poked me
Words with friends?
There's just three
I see a funny picture
I liked it so I ticked ya
Facebook, Facebook, Facebook rap
When this poem's done
I'll go for a nap
I check my FB in the morning
and I check it in the night
I check my FB when it's dark
And I check it when it's light
Oh Mr. Zucker
What have you done
I can't get away
However fast I run
Oh Facebook, it's everywhere
It's like I'm breathing it in
It's like unnatural air
It's illegal to have Facebook
When you're under age
But everywhere I go
I hear people say
"You got a Facebook page?"

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!" he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

After hours of extensive research
And following many a clue,
I've finally discovered the source
Of the new pandemic flu.

It was concocted by our pets,
Forcing us to stay at home.
Always at their beck and call,
Never free to roam.

No room in the house is safe,
For they follow you about.
They are a constant shadow.
They think you can't do without.

They look at you with greedy eyes,
Imploring you for a treat,
And though you try, you can't avoid it,
So just admit defeat.

Alas, until the cure is found,
The master has become slave.
Our pets are now teaching us
How we should behave.

Turn it up please
Can you make that
A little louder?

The silence in my head
Grows more deafening
By the hour

I don't need rest
Or even peace
And tranquility

I need constant
Stimulation
Excitement and hostility

Don't ask my mind
To relax and
Take a break

Do you expect me
To just sit here
Bored to death and meditate?

I'm used to
Loud noise
And the pounding
Frenetic pace

Of the madness
That's become
What was once
The Human Race

Give me car chase scenes
Give me pumpin'
Boomboxes

Give me fist fights
And rumbles
And hot, sexy foxes

Feed me screams
And explosions
That take away my breath

Give me a taste of anarchy
And a double dose
Of death

I need sitcoms
And Facebook
And YouTube

Give me smart phones
And Twitter
And laptops 
And Yahoo

Please help me escape
'Cause I don't wanna be
Lonely

I need to keep busy
So I ain't stuck here
With only

My thoughts
There's nothin' but
Tumble weeds blowin'

I forgot how to think
Where was I
Going with this?

Never mind
Feed me a
Steady diet

Super-size my stimuli
But please hold the
Peace and quiet!

Back in October a Christmas wish I made.
A brand new set of golf clubs before next year I played.
Then on Christmas morn, with my eyes I spied
An oblong box under the tree, with ribbon wrapped and tied.

I looked out the window and saw the ice and snow.
But in my heart I knew, a golfing I would go.
Now I'd need some special gear to play in these conditions.
So I loaded up my golf bag to start a new tradition.

A broom to sweep the greens and a hammer for the tees
And different colored balls for white I wouldn't see.
Arriving at the course, the ground was glistening white.
I wouldn't have to wait, a tee time was no plight.

I swept away a pile of snow and pounded in a tee.
Placed a colored ball atop it and swung away with glee.
My ball went soaring down the fairway and landed with a flop
Into a two foot snow drift (unplayable), take a drop.

My next shot went into the sand, a shot to truly dread.
Then all at once I spotted him, a man all dressed in red.
As I'm lining up my shot, it's Santa Claus I think,
When my ball flew in the hole, He looked at me and winked.

I knew these clubs were going to work, I'd just made a par.
Let's play one hole together before heading for your car.
To believe in Santa at sixteen, you might think it queer,
But it isn't very often you get to see reindeer.

A long par par three lay next, as we walked upon the tee.
There was no flag to aim for and the green I couldn't see
Don't worry said the man in red, I know what lies ahead.
Use your trusty five iron and aim it for my sled.

I'd like to thank you for these clubs, I wasn't sure that I would get.
He said your welcome son, but Christmas isn't over yet
I kept my head nice and still checked my stance and grip.
"Nice shot" said the bearded one, it's hanging on the lip.

It seems a shame, he must be blind, there's no ball upon the green
And I was disappointed because I stuck it crisp and clean
And now you know my story and know one would believe.
How I made my first hole in one with Santa there to see.

There is a Monster
Lurking inside our House
Causing a Disaster
Eating all our Cookies
Who we don't know
May be a Prankster
Catch it we must
Before all is Lost

At Night it Comes
Cookies it Ravishes
Not one he Leaves
Not a Crumb Remains

Cookies are Disappearing Fast
Laid a Trap we have
Catch it we Must
How we don't know
But catch him we Must

Caught in the Act
Caught Red Handed
Cookie in Hand
Munching with Pleasure
Thought she was Clever
Trapped by our Endeavor

Solomon and Guilty
Smiling and Red Faced
Cookie Monster, My Daughter
Never did we Falter
In our Quest
Erased and Disgraced
Cookie Monster Disaster.

By Shilpa