Puppet On A String

• by D Flores
• 1 year ago

My husband died 4 years ago today - 11/11/17. His death cert. stated Methamphetamine Cardio Myopathy. It also states a secondary reason: Methamphetamine use. The drug he said wouldn’t kill him. Devastating is a word that doesn't even begin to describe. I thought I was going to die of a broken heart. We were toxically superglued. I was NOT an addict; I did my experimental time in my teens then left and began to have kids. The hell ride being married to a meth addicted person was a ride I never wish on anyone. Drugs are life stealers, heart stealers, and much more. They are NOT worth the pain, grief, and hell they offer. Drugs are a lie. They offer a great life, but they don't deliver a great life. Even being a dealer drug can bite hard as my husband's drug dealer lost his son, age 30, on September 13, 2020, of the same thing my husband died from and his dealer is still using and dealing even after his good friend & son died from the drugs he gave them. I'm a survivor of a drug addicted abusive husband who left this planet.

• by Anonymous
• 4 years ago

Where to begin? My husband is a crystal meth addict. He says he started using it about 2 years ago. Before that he was using cocaine here and there. The dealer didn't have cocaine and instead told him to try crystal in power form. He did and ever since then he has been hooked. When he's on it he doesn't care about me or our kid. I see emptiness in his eyes and hatred towards me. He totaled his truck about a month and a half ago and he confessed he was snorting crystal. I was in total shock. I still am. He said he would not do it anymore, but I would still see the signs that he was still using. He would deny it until one morning I checked his wallet and I found the white power in a folded dollar bill. I showed it to him and he was mad because I had found it. He said now he was really going to divorce me and I said I thought it was the best thing. When I got home from work he said he was going to stop and change for me and our kids. I will be leaving the house tomorrow with my kids.

• by Raquel Sigafoos
• 4 years ago

My husband has been battling a meth addiction for 3 years. It has completely ruined him, us, and our family. I don't know what else to do. I try and be strong and walk away, but after a few days of missing him I always go back. I chased this man for 11 years. He has always been the love of my life, I just wish I knew how to save him.

• by Royce
• 4 years ago

My significant other is using meth, too. He's an amazing person, and I love him lots, but meth makes his so flipping weird. He stands up in the kitchen and nods out. In fact, right now he's in our bedroom in the closet talking to himself saying the weirdest stuff that makes no sense. The way he moves is freaky and if I say anything to him about it or ask if he's okay or if he catches me staring at him, all hell breaks loose. I just act like I'm not listening to him or at night I just pretend to sleep because I'm afraid he's gonna hurt himself again or worse. Even our dog, who adores him, stays far away from him when he's like this. I don't understand why anyone would ever wanna be like that. He never seems to be having a good time or feeling good on it, and if he does it doesn't last long...

• by Kimmie
• 5 years ago

I used to tell people I was married to the greatest man I'd ever known. Today I can barely find anything good about him. Fifteen years and truly in love. Loving each other isn't our problem, his meth addiction is. Three years ago the man who had never called me names started cursing me. His eyes, once full of love, now look at me with hatred. He quit participating as a family member, he accuses, threatens and lies. There is no low he won't go to in his corruption to justify his behavior. I've lived a pure hell of misery for over 2 years, letting him push me to the brink of depression and inconsolable sadness. We have lost everything and are not living together. He demands I believe I'm the love of his life, yet hours later he seems to forget I exist. I have no doubt the drug feels like chains shackling him in hell, but he chooses its evil. I'm done being his victim, and I'm releasing myself from his chains. Today I choose to quit believing the lies his mouth tells and believe the truth his eyes reveal.

• by Michelle Poet
• 7 years ago

Still hating meth. 2 weeks ago something terrible happened and I thought rock bottom had finally happened. Then something wonderful happened. He said the Lord's prayer and accepted Jesus into his heart. I thought he would be healed and completely restored as would our family. But right now he claims to be fishing into the wee hours. I wanted to believe in miracles. He seemed so sincere and ready to let go of this demon. I'm frustrated beyond words. I want to believe he can be sober but now I seriously doubt he made it two weeks. I can't understand why people who don't value life can be so blind to all the great things this world has to offer. Meth takes your life but let's you live in an empty shell where a soul longs to thrive.

• by Kimberly Fresquez, Colorado
• 7 years ago

My husband is addicted to injecting crystal meth. We have been married for 3 years (I've known him for 7 yrs) & he recently got out of his 3rd rehab and relapsed again. He is very violent & got his 2nd domestic charge. He works all the time but pays none of my bills because he accuses me of cheating even though I never did. We have a 20 month year old daughter & I am so tired of living this way. My in-laws are making our relationship more difficult, they believe everything he says while being high & so they believe I am his problem. The drug is no longer the problem, I am. They do things passively to me, like terminating my cellphone on my husbands account now that he is in jail acting like they never did it. It makes me so sad cause all I ever tried to do is help my husband, it's like I lost myself & now I feel like I am the problem. I am the only person in his life that's never done drugs, his dad's an addict, his friends are addicts & his mother is the chief enabler.

• by Michelle Poet
• 8 years ago

Everyone knows that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, but yet I lived this same day, week, month, going on 15 years of marriage with no proof that sobriety will ever last for him. I feel for all of you that have commented and I pray I get the courage as some of you have and find the will to move on and have the quality of life my children and I deserve.

• by Michelle, Perth Australia
• 8 years ago

I just wanted to say that in my world where I have felt so lonely for as long as he's been in this state, I feel a sense of comfort knowing that I am not alone...

I met him when I was 11. We became the best of friends. Nearly 5 years later just before I turned 16 we took the next step & became an 'us'. For the first 8 years of our relationship we were inseparable. He was my soul mate. My other half. I was not 'me' without 'him' & vice versa. I loved him beyond words. We were a success story...both had worked so hard. Paid off our first mortgage when I was 22 (he's 18 months older). We had a mortgaged rental property. Owned our cars & his Harley. When we became pregnant after trying for only four months, we were both excited & looking forward to the future. We sold our home for a bigger "family" home. I knew he was smoking meth but said "only til the baby's born". It's been 3 years since then. I've had another child to him (accidentally but he's gorgeous). He is the shadow of his former self. He is paranoid. Personality-less. Looks drawn out & aged. Has not worked in over a year. His kids barely know him. He has been physical with me a few times now. He has slept with other women (meth addicts & prostitutes). I feel so lost & broken. This man....who knows me deeper than anyone...thinks that I'm always up to something...plotting against him. Meth is pure evil. He was the most amazing person that I'd ever met. Everyone just loved him & respected him to no end. I find myself in a deep, deep despair that I just can't escape from. I feel like I can not take much more but there is always that thought that the amazing, beautiful man....my heart...my world...is still in there somewhere hoping that I won't give up on him.

• by Rosemary Robins
• 8 years ago

Thank you for sharing. It brings comfort to know that, although we may feel it, we are not alone!
Last year (along with the 15 years prior) things came to a head again. On the surface I appeared to have the perfect life, married to a wonderful vivacious handsome man who loved his family dearly... And that was not a lie. But that man is addicted to meth, gone long hours and seems to be working so hard to support his family. Behind closed doors I was home working long hours on my online business, paying the mortgage, and everything else for the kids. I was exhausted and knocking back invites to coffee mornings or mums nights out, completely isolated myself. I asked my husband to move out. I really feared for his life. He looked so unwell but I was only enabling. Time to take care of myself and the kids. During those weeks a mum at school got diagnosed with breast cancer. She was stressed exhausted and the family was worried about their finances. The school community rallied and delivered meals. I was asked to help out. I am thankful to those who rallied to help that mum. What I'm saying is addiction is like a cancer but doesn't quite attract the same "positive" response as other types of family crisis. All the pain and suffering that goes on behind closed doors. It is such a comfort but also so sad to find others in this situation. I pray for beauty for ashes, that somehow God will allow me to use my grief to bless others and bring purpose to my life when I feel so lost and isolated.

• by Ali, CA
• 8 years ago

I had no idea so many were going through this. It is unbelievably tragic. He and I were high school sweethearts. Never apart. Best friends. Married for 30 years. THIRTY YEARS. One wonderful daughter who is presently 15 years old. He was a business owner and a college professor. We had such a nice life and family. Suddenly about 2 years ago he started acting very strange. He stopped coming home. His behavior was erratic. The electronics in the house began to disappear. He drained two bank accounts. It never occurred to me that this man I've loved for more than 30 years was doing meth. You could knock me over with a feather. But I came to realize that he was using this evil drug. He is now homeless and so very mentally unstable. It is heartbreaking but there is nothing I can do. I worry about him every single day and pray he will somehow make it back to life. I am so afraid one day I will have to tell my daughter that he is dead from all of this. My divorce is final. Thank God I can support myself and my daughter on my own since there is no child support when Dad is a homeless drug addict. I don't think I will ever understand how such an intelligent, thoughtful 49 year old man suddenly decided to use meth. My life is NOTHING like I thought it would be. Nothing like I planned. Prayer, support from family and friends and my desire to make my daughter's life as good as I can, keeps me motivated to move forward instead of dwelling in the past, but I will never stop loving him. Stay strong everyone and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your family - physically, emotionally, financially.
You can lead the horse to water but you'll never make him drink, unless he really wants to.

• by Deborah
• 8 years ago

I am married to a meth addict. When my relationship began seven years ago I was so naive about the world of drugs. Unfortunately now I know too much. I know the pain it causes. The accusations,suspicions and paranoia. I know the days spent trying to convince my husband that there is no one walking through the door,the pictures are not watching us and the old man in the Cadillac is not following us. I know the looks on our children's faces as they try to understand what happened to Dad and why is he acting funny. But until this week I did not know what it would be like to watch my husband gasping for breath as his lips and tongue swelled from an overdose of meth. And I did not know that I would walk away and leave it in God's hands whether he would live or die. He lived. I finally put my foot down and told him I was leaving. I opened a new checking account and began counseling while looking for an apartment. He seemed to finally see that I meant it when I said I wasn't going to deal with it anymore. He begged for one more chance. He called a rehab but because of his job he will only be able to go as outpatient. He wants me to say everything is ok and I won't leave. But I can't. Because I don't know. My head and heart are not on the same page here. That is when I began research and wanted to reach out for help from those of us who unfortunately are united in a sisterhood none of us signed up for. I write poetry and I wrote one this week titled RAGE. That is one of many that I have written to cope with this insanity I call my marriage. So my Sisters, I am reaching out for help and advice....

• by April, United States
• 8 years ago

I don't know where to begin. This poem is wonderful. I have been with my husband for 13 years and we have 2 boys. I found out a few months ago that he has been doing meth for at least the last 3 years and maybe even longer, I don't really know. He always had his reasons and excuses for not being around much, for working in the shop for days on end. I would ask him why he didn't sleep and he would tell me he would nap in his shop and then go back to work. I suspected many things and at one point I did suspect meth, but he lied to me at that point and made me feel dumb for even asking. For quite some time I even thought he was having an affair. He always told me he had to work to make money and keep our farm and I always fell for it. I guess the best way to put it is I was drug dumb. Where I sit right now I know I need to walk away, but it's really hard. I want to believe that he's quit like he promised but I know better also. I never pictured my life turning out this way. I feel so lost.

• by Beverly, Texas
• 8 years ago

My husband and I met and have been together since we were 16. We are now 35. We both struggled with addiction for years. I got clean 12 years ago and him 3 years later. We moved out of state to work in a rehab. While there my husband posed the question to me of swinging. I obliged because part of me was curious and the rest of me wanted to make him happy. We ended up on meth. Worst 2 years of my life. I've since decided to never use again as I have our boys to think of. But also I have a heart condition and a family history of heart disease and have been having chest pains. I've also quit smoking. He, on the other hand, is out right now getting f'ed up. I just want to be loved and appreciated and I want my place back as his wife, the most important thing in his life. What should I do? If I don't make some drastic changes I'm going to fall right back into the trap and it will kill me. Should I leave him and move on while he slowly kills himself?

• by Shakeya Robinson
• 8 years ago

I discovered my husband of six years is a meth addict. He said that he started using five weeks ago but I don't believe a word he says anymore. He is now with another woman whom is also a meth addict. He has started selling all of his belongings and to support his new woman and his addiction. At first I wanted to intercede and hide his mail (which allows him to receive unemployment claims) but I have to step aside. I cannot interfere or I will interfere with God's plan for him. I will let him go. I am fasting and praying that he return back to his family. I actually have my church and all of my beloved family praying for his return. James 5:16 Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

I know that he will return back to his family, I just don't know when and I don't know how much worse his addiction will get. Everyday I pray the Lord protect his mind, start opening his eyes to those that are deceitful around him, and that he not even enjoy his high's anymore. My test is to keep the faith and return my focus and seek God's face!

I pray that all of our prodigal sons and daughters are returned safely back to their families. Amen!

• by Mandy
• 9 years ago

This was so heartfelt and I felt every word. I'm beginning this journey as I just found out about my husband of 13 years addiction. I'm scared, feel betrayed and alone. I have to put on mask everyday to shield my kids as well as family of the heartache I'm feeling. Prayers to you and thank you for letting me know I'm not alone there are woman out there sharing this struggle.

• by Kimberly, San Diego CA
• 9 years ago

I am so sad to hear of everyone's unfortunate circumstances while dealing with addiction, but all of these stories make me feel like I'm not all alone in what I am going through. I have been with my husband for 13 years married for 2 years. My husband is a meth addict, every so often he leaves us without any notice and stays gone on a binge for 2 days, 3 months, a year ? We never know how long he will be gone, we don't even get a phone call, that is until the party is over either he gets tired, things get scary, or he gets locked up. Today is 3/19/14 and I haven't heard from him or seen him since 2/28/14. I can't begin to explain to you what my emotional state is like at this moment. I go to bed crying, wake up crying, I can't concentrate, I'm lost, and I shouldn't be, I'm sober, so why am I so lost? I miss him and love him so much If anyone could direct me to a good online support group for families of addicts I'd really appreciate it.

• by Michelle Poet
• 9 years ago

Wow! It's been 3 years since I have checked this site. I wish I could say things are different, that they are fantastic....but they are not. The only difference is I am working full-time for $8.50 an hour at a job I love but I am no where near the point where I can take my kids and move on without having to live in poverty. I am beyond crying for him. This situation has left me cold. But you, you wonderful people who know what I am living, you have moved me to tears. Sometimes I wonder if HOPE is a real thing. Is recovery a REAL thing? I know my kids won't be young forever. Still wondering when I will reach the end of this madness. By now I am bitter. Ready for him to pay consequences for his own sins. But only God has the right to decide. So I continue to wait...

• by Becky .U.K
• 9 years ago

This poem really touched me, I am the wife of an addict, An addict of all sorts from crack to Heroin to Meth and alcohol, I love my husband with all my heart and I know nothing I do or say will help him and the battle is his own. I am standing by his side but it's been a struggle, sleepless nights, crying until I just can't cry anymore, the worry that this time may be the last and I will lose my husband to this monster of a drug. I know I'm not the only person out there going through this and that makes me feel less alone in this struggle as obviously no one knows, if someone asks me anything it's always we're good, everything is fine, I'm happy, when really I'm dying inside and want this to go away. It's not going anywhere my husband is not at that point to want to stop for good so I'm just plodding along pretending I'm fine its ok we're good ...

• by Rachael, Ohio
• 9 years ago

Thank you! I cried reading your poem because it's everything I am feeling, and have felt. I can't talk to anyone about it, his family just ignores it. I can't talk to mine because I'm to ashamed to tell them their little girl is with a Meth head and not quite ready to leave him behind. Nothing I do keeps him away from it long. I've kicked him out, threatened I'll divorce him, call the police, etc.. But he still lies and pawns everything, steals from me and stays up for days. It sucks coming home from work searching the house to see what has been sold. I have to hide my wallet every day. I search the house even the trash for clues of his habit, and when I do he lies with the evidence in his face. I'm tired and it hurts so bad. But good to know that I am not alone!

• by Maryam, CA
• 9 years ago

About a year in he started suspecting that his business partner was stealing, every night he would come home distraught and devastated, threatening to kill his partner because he told his partner that the money was from my home and would do anything to protect me and my savings. This went on for one year, he would sleep in his car, not come home for 2-3 nights, his excuse was he was trying to figure out how he was stealing. My god I go crazy thinking about all of the lies and deception. I remember begging EVERY night to PLEASE tell what is wrong with him?? The worst part of it is he never admitted to using any drugs to me. It was like a game, for one year, he played me and the worst part of it is I trusted him when he swore to me he wasn't using drugs. I believed in him and in our love sooooo deeply.
We met at 18 and have been married for 13 years. Fortunately we do not have any kids, but I have lost the love of my life, something I NEVER, EVER thought would happen to me :(.
I begged him to get help, for whatever problem he had (at the time I did not know)..but he chose not to, he was not the same man I had married and I felt like I didn't even know him anymore. I spoke to many doctors, clinics, police officers, addiction specialists and BEGGED for help which I never got they said they cannot FORCE him to go if he is not showing any signs of danger to himself or others, they said you have to walk away, tough love as they say. I had exhausted all attempt to get him help, Mid-February I finally told him to either get help or to get the hell out of my life, he chose to leave and of course blamed me for everything :(. The hardest part is living with the fact that still until this day he does not recognize how much I tried to help, he doesn't see it like that. He ended up moving to Northern CA to stay with his Uncles, he finally got the help that he needed and I believe is no longer using anything, but unfortunately our marriage has been damaged beyond repair.
I found out from his uncles that he was using Meth. I couldn't believe it when I heard it!! I even went to meet him about a month ago, he looked much, much better, (he too had lost about 40 pound and he used to be 230 lb.) exercised and was all buffed up, but unfortunately all of this has taken a toll on me. I could never go back to that life, with the thought of all of the lies and deceit, I couldn't do it anymore, I filed for divorce 2 weeks ago :( (against my true feelings), he is a changed person, I don't know him anymore, Meth really changed him and his brain. We too grew up together and met when we were 18 and were married 13 years. This is the HARDEST thing I have ever done, I think my heart will stay broken forever. But, as they say Elizabeth, you are not alone in this battle. Stay strong and do what is best for YOU and your children. NOBODY deserves to go through all of that pain, I've been there, I know what a nightmare it is. I don't think I have waken up from it yet :(. BE STRONG

• by Ashley, Mo
• 9 years ago

Your words you put on paper are the words my lips and my heart wish I could say. My husband is also a addict of many including meth. My prayers are with you and yours. Thank you for helping with my own emotions battling this through my husband. I know now to expect the worse, yet I still hope for the best. I know God can heal anything. What I had to learn is he can't heal those who don't want to be healed. Let family, faith, and love conquer addiction. God Bless! Please update.

• by Cal, Georgia
• 9 years ago

Thanks for sharing. I have been with my husband 17 years married 10. He has been an addict the whole time but I didn't realize the extent of it until I decided to stop my addiction in 2008 which was alcohol. When I stopped I realize I wanted more out of life and in a marriage and apparently he is satisfied with his. I'm not sure what to do. My spirit, heart, life everything is suffering. I feel like I am being held back from what I want and deserve but at the same token don't want to leave him. Confused!

• by Renata, South Africa
• 9 years ago

I'm going through a divorce to the man of my dreams. Addiction was something I didn't understand. He told me he just came out of rehab and I respected him even more for fighting those demons and "winning" only to realize the evil nasty sick grip crack has on someone. It wants you dead inside, but alive to use it more. I fought this drug on his behalf, but always came in second best. I called dealers, I followed him, taking crack pipes out of your husband bum isn't something you dream about as a young girl. The worst fear was waking up next to a cold dead body. I couldn't do it any more. I wanted him to hurt me physically, broken bones or a black eye or something so he could see the effects. Because addicts don't see, they don't care what they are doing to you inside. Maybe if he could see the effects on me he would stop! I walked out of my marriage 3 months ago. I still love him and cry daily. I will no longer allow that abuse. We are all living results of our choices and he made his when he decided to call his dealer, and I finally made mine.

• by Elizabeth, Texas
• 10 years ago

My husband is addicted to crystal meth. About a year now. I found out when he called me from the back of a police car that he was caught with almost 4 grams. He was working a lot in our new business we had opened the prior year. He was losing weight, staying at the shop all night, and becoming someone I don't know or possibly think I even love anymore. We lost our house, we lost our business. Legal bills have all but wiped us out. Now we live in a trailer and barely making it. We have 3 kids who have hardly a relationship with him anymore. He has told me he has a problem. Gives me excuses and days he is going to fix it. Then never follows through. I question everything. I have to hide money. I have no more trust and its breaking my family. We have been together 18 years, 12 years married. I grew up with this man. I don't know what to do. I feel hopeless and alone.

• by Michelle Meece
• 12 years ago

Just wanted to thank all who have left comments to me. I hadn't checked it for quite some time. It hurts a little less to know that I am not alone. It is going to be the hardest thing ever to walk away from all of this. But I know it's the only thing I have left to do. It's just gonna take me some time to get there.

• by Texas
• 12 years ago

I am a recovered speed freak. I've been clean for over 10 yrs. I spent 21 yrs. in prison. When I walked out of prison for the last time, Sept. 9, 2003, I was 42 yrs. old, and had literally spent half my life in prison. My life in prison was directly related to my drug addiction. I am clean, free and have no desire to go back to that life. Just wanted to say that sometimes walking away is the best thing you can do for a person suffering through addiction. The more you lose, the sooner you hit bottom, the sooner you wake up and do the work necessary to get clean. My prayers are with those both fighting addiction, and those that love an addict.

• by Lynsie
• 12 years ago

This poem has really touched my heart. When I was 18 I met my soul mate, the love of my life. We got engaged and it was eventually dissolved because his mother passed away when he was 22. This triggered drug abuse and until this day he is still an addict. It is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through and I live it every day. I've been living it every day for the past year now. It is very touching and heart warming to know that I am not the only one who has these feelings. It justifies all the emotions that I have that he considers me crazy for having. I know he still loves me, and I will never stop loving him. But there are times where I think "I didn't sign up for this". I am twenty one now, things are starting to get better. But every day is still a battle.
Thank you very much..

• by Jen, UK
• 12 years ago

my heart goes out to you I have tried to support my son for the last 17 years as he has battled with heroin and crack addiction. I have had to walk away because I realized I am all but wiped out. Your poem has lifted my spirits and made me realize this fight is his not mine thank you so much take good care

• by Michelle Meece
• 13 years ago

Mona,
I just wanted to tell you "your very welcome" and thank you also. I was touched by your response. Hope things are better for you and your husband.

• by Mona, MI
• 13 years ago

All I can say is WOW! It was if someone was looking right through me and seen my pain as I have watched my husband battle addiction after addiction. I thank you cause I'm sure as you know you always feel alone. I cried reading your poem not for him, but because someone else finally understands my pain and frustration. Thank you so much,