Abuse Poems - Page 2

As I lay silently, my heartbeat in my ear
The thunder of footsteps ringing in fear
The night is long and the anger strong
I wonder, is this where I belong?
I only want silence so I cover my ears
I rock back and forth and pray he disappears
He pulls out his belt, beats through her screams
Susie will hear you and wake up from her dreams
She cries out to protect me
Not knowing I'm right there
Under the blanket I whimper and stare
The belt hit me too , I'm there
They are wrapped up in violence
They are too blind to see
Their child is hurting and wanting to flee

The little girl lay so still
While you crept into her bed
She pretended not to notice you
While she sang into her head

She sang about the sun
She sang about the bees
She sang about her mummy
While you parted her little knees

You promised her a puppy
Some sweeties and a doll
You promised her the world
You promised her it all

You told her she was daddy's girl
Yet you treated her so bad
You took away her smile
And the childhood she never had

There was a time he loved her.
Now it's clear there's nothing there.
He walks around so flippantly
With no interest or a care.

Through his silence he berates her.
He flaunts the coldness in his eyes.
Neither her tortured sobs nor pleading words
Can make him sympathize.

To him she's just an afterthought,
An object to be used,
A service to be rendered,
A shattered ego to abuse.

He's Dr. Jekyll with the world to see
But Mr. Hyde behind closed doors,
And each time she tries to rise again,
He knocks her back down to the floor.

He has no conscience to control him.
His heart beats for him alone.
She's a peasant to his royalty
As he perches on his throne.

He's a narcissistic bully
Who rubs her wounds with salt.
He degrades, destroys and disregards
Without a guilty thought.

But she fears he'll never let her go
And she knows he'll never change.
Promises are made and broken
But his cruelty still remains.

But time is passing quickly now.
She's in the twilight of her years
And it's her hope and consolation
That her days are numbered here.

But perhaps when she's no longer there
For him to just keep beating down,
He'll see how weak he really is
When there's no one to push around.

I'm reminiscing and I'm missing,
The childhood I never had.
I'm triggering and I'm figuring,
There were reasons to be sad.

I'm supposing and I'm closing,
In on all my childhood fears.
I'm indicting and I'm inviting,
The people behind my tears.

I'm reflecting and I'm injecting,
The power of God above.
I'm unmasking and I'm asking,
Why the child was void of love.

I'm a hunting and I'm confronting,
The abusers once again.
I'm a hurting but I'm supporting,
The courage of the child within.

I'm remising and I'm dismissing,
The notion that I was no good.
I'm a fearing but I'm a sharing,
All aspects of my childhood.

I'm a feeling but I'm a dealing,
With all of my past issues,
I'm a dying and I'm a crying,
So please pass me the tissues.

I'm confiding and I'm not hiding,
From the issues I must explore.
I'm expressing and not suppressing,
The child's feelings anymore.

I'm a shrieking but I'm a seeking,
To help heal the child again.
I'm a grinning because I'm winning,
The trust of the child within.

Daddy I remember
I remember it all
Everything you did to me
Don't you recall?

Every time you hurt me
Every time you held me tight
A lot of the time I hated it
But sometimes I wouldn't fight

Because sometimes when you held me
It made me feel whole
You put the pieces back together
But that wasn't your role

You lost the right to that
When you changed why you were there
The first time you got in my bed
And started playing with my hair

From that moment I knew
That things would never be the same
But I still get confused sometimes
As to what they became

I knew the way I felt
I knew it wasn't right
How could I love you so much
But still hate you of a night

I am just as to blame as you
Especially early on
Because I let you do that to me
And kept silent for so long

It changed the way I saw you
But to what I'm still not sure
Why did you change things dad
Why did you want more?

Why'd you stop reading me stories
And tucking me in at night
Why did you change things daddy
To something that wasn't right

I hate that I still love you
And that I miss your touch
I feel sick to my stomach
That I wanted you so much

Was it just confusion
Or was I complicit from the start
Even thinking of you now
I feel heavy in my heart

Everything wrapped together
Confusion, love and fear
Trying to navigate through what I feel
But not knowing how to steer

Every time I see you
I'm still overwhelmed with dread
Trying to make sense of everything
That's flowing through my head

I know that I am scared of you
For the times you conflicted pain
But my body doesn't recognise that
And sometimes nor does my brain

I know logically I'm meant to hate you
For what society says is bad
But honestly when I think of you
It just makes me sad

Thinking about how you let me down
When your role was to protect
You were meant to nurture me
And treat me with love and respect

But instead you collected me
Like I was an on going prize
Not stopping to question
The loudness of my cries

Didn't you ever wonder
Why I would plead for you to stop
And say daddy you are hurting me
Every time you got on top

I know that I loved you
But I also knew it was wrong
Even when I tried to stop you
You were always too strong

The first time I told someone
Boy did I pay the price
I still have the marks on my body
From your stern advice

Even to this day daddy
I'm still conflicted on how I feel
Because of the ways you twisted my mind
I still don't know what is real

Is it real that you love me
I'm the one that you adore
Your good little girl daddy
Your property to explore

The one you would never give up
Even if we were apart
You told me you would always find me
You knew where to start

You told me what I meant to you
But it was filled with so much aggression
Tell me daddy was that love to you
Because to me that is obsession

You stole my innocence, you soiled my life.
How dare you inflict so much strife.
No one protected me, no one saved me.
Suffering alone and wanting to flee.

Trying to heal my entire life.
It's such a struggle to get things right.
Hiding the pain, hiding the shame,
Feeling unworthy with nothing to gain.

Living alone is so bitter sweet.
No one to hurt me, but no body heat.
I miss being touched in a loving way.
Someone to cuddle without going astray.

I wiggle my toes when I feel myself flee.
No need to escape when it's only me.
So broken, so sad, so tired of crying.
Is it even worth the price of trying?

You came to the world,
On a God blessed night.
Your limbs were all there,
Your heart beat just right.
Your sweet, precious smile,
Brought both pride and joy,
And I proudly said,
"That's my little boy".

As your proud father,
I said that I must.
Teach my precious child,
Love, honor and trust.
I had to treat you,
So tender and mild.
For I was your Dad,
And you were my child.

I knew child abuse,
Had been on the rise.
And many a child,
Had tears in their eyes.
More often than not,
The culprit was known.
So I promised you,
You'd not be alone.

For you were my son,
And I was your trust.
As your proud father,
I said that I  must.
Protect my young son,
From being defiled.
And keep my eyes on,
My precious young child.

For deep down inside,
Your Dad knew for sure.
That when you grew up,
You'd want to explore.
Your innocent eyes,
Somehow wouldn't see.
How cruel and unkind,
That this world could be.

So each day I watched,
With fatherly love.
I taught you to trust,
In God up above.
I never forgot,
The first time you smiled.
Or how I promised,
To protect my child.

I count the seconds
As the time comes near.
I know as I wait
That pain will be here.

I don't want to hurt.
I don't understand why.
I don't want this pain.
I don't want to cry.

I want to be loved.
I want a hand to hold.
I want a shoulder to cry on.
I want loving words to be told.

I sit here so quiet
In silent sorrow,
Praying to God
That I might see tomorrow.

But until then,
I count the seconds.

I look around for myself,
But a ghost is all I see.
I only see this ghost of a person I used to be.
I don't know who you are, but I know why you are here.
You're the ghost that's taken my place, leaving me in fear.
Where did I go; am I gone for good?
I thought I was unbreakable, I guess I misunderstood.
I thought life was kind, loving, and true,
But life created this ghost of me; I don't know what to do.
Where am I, the person I used to be?
I have looked and looked, but this ghost is all I see.
I pray I return; I hope I will
But the ghost who's taken my place has me searching still.
What if I'm gone forever, never to return?
Losing myself was always my biggest concern
I'm still searching, calling out my name,
But the ghost answers; I'm still not the same.
The ghost is sad; what does this mean?
Things aren't always what they seem.
For a brief moment I think I am here ,
Only to realize I'm still this ghost, leaving only fear,
Fear that this ghost is here to stay.
I just want to be me: happy, not feeling this way.
Is this really how it's going to be?
God, I pray that I return to me.
I want to be myself; this isn't right.
Finding where I am is my biggest fight.
The ghost thinks she's smart; she thinks she's won.
I refuse to let her stay; I want her gone.
I won't give up; I will search day by day
Because this ghost of me can't stay.

Do you know how it feels when your heart bleeds?
To make it stop, love is all it needs.
My heart has been broken, my faith slipping away.
I know I'm strong, but will I be okay?
Until I am found, please remember my face,
Because all that's left of me
Is the ghost who's taken my place.

I wish to delve into the depths of your mind,
Where mischief lurks and secrets unwind.
What drove you to inflict such pain on me?
In the shadows of your thoughts, what did you see?

Did my cries cause you restless nights,
Constant reminders of unfair fights?
Or did you plot your next twisted game,
Crafting cruelty with no sense of shame?

What whispered temptation lured you in?
What demon helped you embrace the sin?
Did you ever feel remorse for the wounds you caused,
Do you ever acknowledge the life you paused?

Was it a need for power, a craving for control,
Which stole my innocence and scarred my soul?
Or was it the thrill of danger, a twisted thrill,
Which urged you to go against my will?

In your restless nights, do you ever reflect,
On the trust shattered, the lives wrecked?
Or revel in the suffering, as world falls apart,
Finding twisted joy in the pain you impart?

Were my tears a mere inconvenience to your plan,
A minor obstacle for a hollow man?
Or did they stir a flicker of remorse within,
A brief moment of doubt, beginning to set in.

How did you justify the games that you played,
As morality faded and your conscience swayed?
Do you feel the weight of remorse, heavy and true,
For the pain you inflicted, for the anguish you knew?

Questions unanswered, mysteries concealed,
Lives mistreated, forever unhealed.
With every denial, responsibility defied,
Leaving shattered lives in your deceitful stride.

Late at night I lie in fright
I can hear him coming for me
One hand over my mouth to keep me quite
Dear God, please let my mother see

Always trying to find the strength to keep him away
I can hear him coming for me
The stench of booze on his breath I still remember to this day
Dear God, please hear my plea

Daughter, do not speak of this or you will die
I can hear him coming for me
He warns me not to fight, don't even try
Dear God, please help set me free

Wishing I could find away to escape this abuse
I can hear him coming for me
Telling me I was special was only an excuse
Dear God, please make him let me be

Somehow I found the courage deep inside to be bold
I can hear him coming for me
Stay away from me, I warned, for I have told
Dear God, I am free at last, free to be me

Why do I feel so ashamed?
I can hear him coming for me
No Daddy, it is you that I blame
Dear God, I wonder if that little girl will ever find forgiveness, should she?

Small, little child with her eyes open wide
Can't understand why it hurts inside.
Poor little girl just stares into space,
Transports herself into another place.

Small, little child becomes someone else.
Someone stronger, faster, someone who can yell.
Poor little girl never really gets away,
Just blocks it out with clouds of blue and gray.

Sad, young wife, with her eyes open wide,
Can't understand why it hurts inside.
Poor young woman just stares into space,
The small, little child locked in a hiding place.

Sad, young wife has learned to hide her pain.
The others are silenced to make her feel more sane.
Poor young woman can't seem to remember much.
She can't quite afford to feel his loving touch.

Sad, young woman, with her eyes open wide,
Can't understand why it hurts inside.
Poor young woman is now all alone.
She can't figure out how she lost her happy home.

Sad, young woman never really lived,
She could never really trust; she could never really give.
Poor young woman, the small child inside,
The demons, the lost souls, no one ever tried.

The small, little child, with the young woman's face,
Her eyes open wide, no longer see this place.
Poor young child, burning in hell,
She could not scream, she could not yell.

The small, little child, with the young woman's face,
Took her secrets to the grave; there was no saving grace.
Small, little child, with her eyes open wide,
Can't understand why it hurts inside...

Bodies contaminated, tainted by his sin,
Trapped in cycles, impossible to win.
Forced into silence, bearing heavy weight,
Burdened by shame, consumed by hate.

His secrets, like poison, pollute the mind,
A toxic legacy, leaving souls confined.
A heavy burden, a relentless toll,
Dragging us down, consuming our soul.

Indecent secrets, festering despair,
A forced silence drowning in air.
His selfish poison seeps deep within,
Engulfing darkness, suffocating skin.

His secrets fester, gnaw at the core,
Consuming spirits, leaving them sore.
Forever imprisoned by his deceit,
A constant shadow, a bitter defeat.

I've spent many years now
Running from the bear.
Just when I think you're gone,
You once again are there.

Fear grips like a vise
If you're anywhere around.
I stay quiet and hidden
So that I will not be found.

Overwhelmed by sheer terror
Of another vicious attack,
Praying you won't find me,
But you always circle back.

Adrenaline is now surging,
Giving me the strength to flee.
I run until I can run no more,
And then you catch up to me.

Suddenly you're upon me.
I see the rage in your eyes.
I try so hard to fight you off.
I hear your roar above my cries.

You could do more than frighten me,
For of your strength I am aware,
But you let me go once again
So I can start running from the bear.