My Addiction - Page 3

Trapped in a repetitive cycle of wants and needs
Slowly unraveling inside of me.
There are many things,
An entrapment of feelings.
Letting go does not seem to be an option.
Therefore, I sit painfully
Letting it all consume me.
All of this negative energy
Swirling around and around
Inside then out.
Self-sabotage I commit without a doubt.
The strength is overwhelming,
Devastatingly daunting.
I feel I can no longer resist,
Resist the temptation, resist the urge.
Self-preservation does not seem to be a concern
My brilliance, my beauty, and heart
Are left behind
In the beginning,
At the start.
What is left is nothing,
An empty vessel that once used to be.
Termination turned to temptation
Lost in illusion,
In disarray.
Scattered thoughts become astray.
Numbness from head to toe.
A blank slate,
A black hole,
Till the next day.
Addiction,
Repeat.

Deep down inside my demons dwell,
So secretly I've kept them well,
Where were you the night I fell?

Hell I fell deep into a hole,
Misplacing for some time my soul,
For 12 whole months they had their fun,
But can't their damage be undone?

I've laid them down to rest,
But still they burn within my chest,
They refuse to leave me in peace,
God their voices never cease!

I feel warm in the sun's brilliant light,
But fall weak by early night,
I feel safe when I'm awake,
My soul is mine and not theirs to take,

But when I recede into my bed,
They seize control of all that's in my head,
Rising quickly to their feet,
I lower my head and admit defeat.

If only they knew, the pain I'm going through!
I remember when I had fun,
Felt like I was loved by every one.
I had energy to burn
So many things to learn
And every now and then
I believed I'll overcome this pain.
In the deepest of the night
Forgetting all my pride
I pushed the loved ones aside
Driving round in frenzy, swerving in pain
Just one more hit, to make me good again
Down the steep embankment, loosing all control
Slamming down the brakes, my car began to roll
Trapped in my own wreckage, unable to move
Underneath the cars frame, pinned inside the groove
By the wreck on Highway that stole my life away
Stood a loving Angel and I heard him say
This is your final journey from vast and distant trail
I'm taking you to heaven on my wings you'll sail

The first day I tried you,
You became my new best friend, my lover and my soul mate!
You took my hand, faded my pain, there was a smile for once.
It felt good to be around you,
That numbness you gave me was all that I wanted!
So I let you in, let you stick around,
Coz without you the joys I felt in life just disappeared.
Was that you, maybe it was me,
No I needed you,
Thank God you were there,
My darling Heroin!

You made me feel strong again,
So I thought that I would cope without you,
But you wouldn't let me leave.
You started to make me cry, caused me pain that I never felt before.
I pushed you away, but you just kept pulling me back in.
You weren't my friend, lover or soul mate,
You're the ENEMY!
I realized it to late.
You held me in, pulling me harder and harder;
I couldn't walk out on you no more,
You were making me weaker,
This made you stronger,
I was craving you more and more,
I couldn't understand it? I thought you were helping me!
My darling Gear

I lost my way but, but I just can't blame you it was me to!
I tried to leave you,
But you pulled me back in harder and faster, body and soul!
I chose this destructive path, I was lonely and down.
I agree you did take that all away,
But look at the consequences!
I lost everything that I ever had,
I lost my dignity; I was starting to hurt myself!
I hurt my family and the ones who loved and cared the most!
But yet again I got down, instead of asking for help,
I caved in even more,
And you pulled me in harder than ever before.
I embraced you,
What a fool I was
My soul binding smack

Now I have made a choice,
At last to walk away!
Its time for you to leave my addictive body, veins and mind.
Why do you keep fighting me?
Trying to force your way back to me,
WHY?
But its time to make eminence with myself,
Its time to take control!
I got my fight back; you got to leave now,
Time to say goodbye!!
So, so long, farewell my loving heroin,
You've done your worse,
You degrading smack
You locked me in a cage and took the key,
But this time I am fighting back
Now I have the key!
I'm walking away, locking you in that cage,
The cage of addiction, destruction and pain.
Goodbye my darling Heroin

The power of addiction is a horrible disease.
You make think it relieves pressure,
Or bring pain to ease.

You will soon come to realize,
That you are so very wrong;
Whether it's after twelve lines,
Or eight hits from a bong.

It always starts with pot,
No matter how sure you are.
That's how it started for me,
And at twenty I was behind bars.

At times you may think,
That you can have a few drinks;
But a few turns into many,
And soon you'll be kissing the sink.

You lose some of your relatives,
And even more of your friends.
Before you see it coming,
This disease will bring your life to an end.

So after writing this poem,
I'm asking you now:
Do you still want to use,
Or make people proud?

I am beginning to want you, before I even know you.
I am wanting to save you, before I can hold you.

And I am mad, which for both of us is true;
But my addiction is not brown or white - it is you.

For you express your distress, with artistic disdain;
And you so eloquently allude to your tumultuous pain.

But still, you make me nervous and weary of your plays,
for I am not ignorant of the street corner's ways.

And I am cautious and slow, experienced enough to know,
that the tiger will always kill, for only blood can satisfy its fill.

But I am not a lamb to be sacrificed;
just a man who found his way from a life of vice.

And now that our lives have crossed, mixed-up and lost,
we are found, in these northern, cold-wintered towns.

What could it mean, this life, this dream?
Could that which is broken, ever mend?
Or will seeking out the familiar fix always be the end?

And I could let go, like the river and flow.
My mind a stream, wandering with gleam.

But I could stay; together we may,
make sense of it all, and forever, we fall.