Abuse

My name is Sasha.
My sister is Leigh.
I am six,
And she is three.

Our dad's always mad.
He screams and he yells.
I don't think he likes us.
It's easy to tell.

Mum's only kind
When dad's not around,
And when he is home,
She hardly makes a sound.

Mum's always out,
Never home.
Dad's always drunk
And always alone.

As soon as we hear
Those jingly keys,
We run and hide.
We run and plea.

We find a place
And curl up tight.
I hold her hand
And she holds mine.

And soon enough,
Dad then walks in.
Don't make a sound; don't say a word.
I pray inside, deep within.

But Leigh, she cannot help herself
For the pain is just too much.
"Oh God," she yells,
"Why are you so mean?"

He doesn't like what she has said
And beats her even more,
And with one last hit,
Hard and strong, he pulls away and watches.

She takes one last gasp of air,
Our hands still holding,
Then falls to the ground where I sat
And doesn't move a muscle.

I stare at him ,
My eyes so blue.
He looks at me
And yells, "O you!"

"How dare you.
Make me so mad.
This is all your fault
Go cry be sad!"

My name is Sasha.
My sister is Leigh.
I am six,
And my beautiful sister was only three

That day my Daddy
Murdered her.
My best friend,
She was my world.

We stuck together
Through thick and thin,
But now she's gone.
I'm lost within.

When I was six, my sister three.
My Daddy murdered Leigh.
Since that day I have not spoke,
For it's speaking that made her die.

Hush, little sister
Please don't cry
I wish I could be there
To sing you a lullaby

I can see your arms
Bloodied and bruised
That's strange, little sister
Mine were like that too

I know you scream
When Daddy's there
Hush, little sister
I know you're scared

I can see the way
He's hurting you
I'm sorry, little sister
He did that to me too

I know that people
Ignore what's going on at home
That makes me angry, little sister
You shouldn't have to be alone

Hey, little sister
You want to know why I'm not there?
It's a sad story, little sister
But people should care

You see, little sister
One day Daddy got high
You were asleep in your crib
So you didn't hear my cry

He screamed at me
And smashed my head against the door
While you slept, little sister
I died on the floor

You know, little sister
I don't think that I would have died
If someone had only bothered
To listen to my cries

But hush, little sister
Daddy's coming home
Quick, get into bed
You don't want him to find you alone

I'm sorry little sister
He's in a bad mood
Run while you can

Uh oh little sister
He's lifting his belt
Scream while you can, little sister
Call for help

Hush little sister
You don't need to cry
No one can hurt you
You're in my arms tonight.

I hear the floor creek
Closer and closer toward my bedroom door
I try to stay quiet hiding under the covers
Though I know he will find me

I hope he doesn't hear my heartbeat
Or hear me praying God will protect me tonight
But as I do I start to cry because I know
TONIGHT'S ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS
WHEN GOD JUST DOESN'T HEAR ME

I let out one more sob
And the door swings open
The hallway light shines in
But darkness radiates off him
So strong
He has a smile on his face
Nothing will stop him
I cant even defend myself

He gets on top of me holding me down
As I try to turn away
He pulls me back covering my mouth
I am too scared to breathe

A few weeks pass by
I hear him moaning my name
While stumbling around the house
Closer and closer he is walking toward me

Now he is on my bed
And before he even touches me
I begin to cry as I wonder
Where is God tonight?

This time I fight back
I yell
I cry
But he has ways to shut me up.
I do everything I can to loosen his grip
He's hurting me so bad but will not let me go
NO
He will not let me go
Not until he is finished

He leaves me lying there
To think of what I have lost
"I'm sorry" is not enough
He doesn't even realize what it has cost

Another few weeks pass by
The shame keeps getting worse
Too afraid to tell
Though its so hard to hide this pain
Day after day

I must have been bad that night
I hear him coming closer as I'm lying on the floor
Lord I would do anything
If you would keep him from walking through that door

But he does
I finally realize I am all alone
No one to protect me
No one who can save me...
So I lie back down to take it
But he throws me on the bed
And makes me relive my worst fears
When I just want to be dead

I don't want to kill myself
I just want to die
God, why have you abandoned me?
Can you not see the tears I cry?

I will hurt myself later
After you have hurt me
This blood that stains the sheets
Tangled up on my bed
Reminds me of the words
The images you have put inside my head

I can still feel you touching me, grabbing me
Forcing my body closer to yours
The feeling of your cold fingers all over me
I constantly try to wash away
From my scarred skin

Since that first night
I live my life in fear
You are the reason I love too easily
Why I cannot love at all.
Because I trusted you
I can no longer trust

The pain I hold inside
You will never know
They will never understand
That my scars don't even begin to show...

Late on the dishes, food still on the plate.
Mommy is mad; Daddy's home late.
I'm in the corner crying all alone,
Wishing to myself get me out of this home.
I'm always getting beaten, never treated well.
I'm the one child's whose life's a living hell.
Thrashes on my back, bruises on my face,
All because I didn't clean up this place.
I don't have a bed; cement floor is all I've got
Cold walls, no blankets, not even a cozy cot.
Laundry not completed, so no dinner for tonight.
My family all eating, plainly in sight.
Raggedy clothes, cold feet I must add.
I know what you're thinking - you must have been bad.
But that's not the case, honest to God.
I'm just a misfit, the odd pea from the pod.
I was cute in the beginning, a mistake in the end.
Not allowed to socialize, not allowed to have one friend.
Daddy doesn't like me; he's mean - it's true.
He yells mean things at me for anything I do.
He tells me he'll kill me, that I'm going to hell.
If anyone asks, he'll tell them I just fell.
Mommy doesn't say much, well nothing at all.
I'm not allowed to do anything; I have to lay there when I fall.
Looking all depressed is what I do best,
But trying to survive is definitely a big test.
No child should live the life I have to go by.
Every child should smile and have no reason to cry.
Living in my world is definitely not fun
I guess I'm that *lucky* child, that very *special* one.

Smartest, hottest, most popular girl
She flashes a smile that would make your vision swirl
Silky brown hair down to her waist
Everyone she meets, she will embrace
Such a perfect girl with a warm, kind heart
No one knows the secrets that tear her apart

Perfect tan skin that never ceases to amuse
Choosing clothes that will hide the bruises
Strutting down the halls with unbeatable grace
No one knows the torture she has to face
She watched the clock with a sad, broken face
As soon someone approaches, the smile is back in place

When she comes home, it is impossible to smile
He breaks her body and spirit in such a violent style
She arrives home, desperately hoping he wasn't there
As he calls her from his room, her eyes fills with despair
Her eyes start watering, knowing what is to come
Just imagining the bloody mess she was to become

Her body shaking, she heads up the stairs
Hoping God will answer her prayers
She starts stripping her clothes along the way
Again, not knowing if it was her last day
She reaches his room, not daring to look in his eyes
Silently crying, as he runs his hands up her thighs

He lays her down and the painful sting returns
No matter how many times it happens, it still burns
It continues for hours, then it comes to an end
She wakes up the next morning, sore, ready to pretend   
That she is perfect, that she is okay
Putting on makeup and shutting the pain away

She fixes herself and looks in the mirror
"That's not me," the thought becomes clearer
Her trademark smile is in perfect place
The sadness is blocked away from her face
She feels she could collapse under the strain
She heads out the door, repeating the cycle again

You wanted me to be your little girl
You wanted me to see you as my world
You wanted me to be all I could be
I wanted you to open your eyes and see

The bruises on my arms were not love
The pain in my eyes was not relief
Blood stained the white feathers of the dove
And she did not mourn, but she grieved

My childhood was dust in the wind
By the time I was four
It was over with
The moment you shoved me into that door

But Daddy, I am sorry
I am sorry I wasn't everything you wanted
I am sorry I made you mad
I am sorry for being so bad

I took the beatings for my brother
because you didn't see he had already given up
I carried the burden of pain for my mother
because you didn't see she was already shriveled up

Please God, set me free
Take these bruises from me
Please take away the breath of life
Oh, God, let me drop this knife

Heaven cannot set me free
It is not ready for me
I have suffered much in this life
but help does not come in the form of a knife

I will live
I will breathe
I will stand tall
And for myself, I will not fall

Mother is there when I get home from school,
I'm happy there, hyper and playing the fool.
But as I pull on the handle and turn the key,
I feel a sense of dread and fear fill me.
I have a secret, a dark one,
A secret I've never told anyone.
Everyday when I come home,
Mother waits till I'm alone,
Then she'll hit me with a spoon or shoe,
Till I bleed, till I'm black and blue.
Dad left us when I was three,
Since then all she's done is blame it on me.
I'm ugly, stupid, tarty, and fat,
It was my fault he left us, "You hear that you brat?!",
With a duck and a dive, I sometimes manage to swerve,
But I know in the end I'm going to, "Get what I deserve".
Hospital a few times, "I was playing with my brother",
It's one lame excuse after another.
One of these days, I'm going to break free,
One of these days, I'll be truly happy.

But until then I tell no one,
I have a secret,
I'm not telling anyone.

Shut your mouth and listen to what I have to say.
I'm going to take you back to that one specific day.
I was laying in bed alone while listening to you and him talk on the phone.
You said, "Well if they have the money I don't see why not.
She'll be ready by 9 o'clock."
You came in and said it's time to get up.
"Shower well and I'll make you pretty with make up."
In a pretty white dress and hair done to match,
You told me I'm a breath-taking catch.
I sat on the couch waiting with you,
But what was in store for me I had no clue.
They came in three men.
I will never forget the sight of them.
They tossed you a wad of money,
while grabbing my hand and saying, "Come with me, honey."
I didn't want to go, but you made me.
You let them rape me for money!
I cried and tried to run away,
But you helped them push me on the bed and screamed STAY!
You said to be a good little girl or I'll make you sad,
So I shut my mouth and let them do the things that were bad.
I was only 7 years old and already my innocence was lost.
You needed the money but at what cost?
Every day those men came over and brought more.
Each time you just watched at the door.
I ran away at the age of eight.
Why was I put into this fate?
I was ashamed of what was done,
So of course I could tell no one.
The day you found me you said things changed,
That I won't have to do those things.
Well mom, it was that way for a month; then you started again.
Through the door each day came the men and their friends.
Well I'm ten now and things got to come to an end.
You see I became a "woman" at the age of 9 with my monthly "friend."
Tonight while you're asleep I'm packing my bag to quietly leave,
But I want you to know that while the men were doing their "deed,"
One of them impregnated me with their seed.

Where once there was love, now only is pain,
I'll never have innocence, ever again.
He took it from me, my childhood,
he took away, all that was good.

Some mornings I, still wake up and cry,
others I curl up, and hope to die.
A knife at my throat, a hand on my ass,
I lay there and scream, but the pain doesn't pass.

He threatens to kill them, my mom and my dad,
if I tell them the truth, tell them he's bad.
So after he's done, I don't even fight,
I lay there and cry, the rest of the night.

My parents return, through the open door,
now I can't be his victim, anymore.
I have to hide it, what happened to me,
if I'm to protect them, they can't see.

I'm broken inside, a husk of a boy,
I have no life, I'm just his toy.
My parents depart, and he's back for more,
I feel like I'm dead, as I lay on the floor.

The pain never lessens, not one little bit,
just keeps deepening, like a bottomless pit.
He leaves again, opening the door,
says to be ready, when he wants more.

So I continue to lie, hide the pain inside,
wondering why, I shouldn't have died.
But now it makes sense, more and more,
I can't be his victim, anymore.

So when he returns, I steal the knife,
tell him to leave, get out of my life.
My parents return, and see my pain,
but I stopped it, from happening again.

I tell them the truth, what happened to me,
They told me they're sorry, now that they see.
But still I am broken, for still I see him,
still I'm in pain, for still I'm a victim.

I'll never get past it, the nights I was raped,
it's part of it now, how I was shaped.
I can't get justice, it's been too long,
but it's not my fault, he was wrong.

One of these days, I hope to heal,
one of these days, I'll get him for real.
Now that you know, you know the truth,
so finally, I'll drop the pretense of youth.

I'm not the little boy, who was raped on the floor,
I promise myself, I'm not a victim anymore.

He holds me close, my lips he kisses
Inside I know this is truly amiss
He kisses again, his hand moves low
I check the time, "I gotta go."

He fusses, I scream
He grabs me, so I begin
To push away, "Just let me go!"
My jeans unzip, "Please don't! No!"

His hits, my shouts
His hand over my mouth
I black out, I bruise
My innocence I lose.

When I was five and I remember
when a person became my dad.
His name was Bob and he was rough,
and I heard that he was bad.

First came all the yelling,
when I cried, He'd look and smirk.
Then came throwing me across the room
when he saw that it didn't work.

When I wasn't hungry
for not even a piece of bread,
the rule was "eat it or wear it"
and I had gravy on my head.

My parents always slept all day
which I thought was really cool.
I didn't worry about the beating
when I first came home from school.

In school the kids made fun of me
but they didn't even know.
That compared to life at home
it didn't make me low.

As I thought, but should have known,
how much worse that things could get.
I never heard of this before
and it's something I won't forget.

Sometimes I would try to run
Somewhere where I could hide,
but then came the metal handcuffs
and in no person could I confide.

But I am happy about one thing
one thing got finally stored.
My hands were no longer tied
behind my back with the cord.

This is really bad enough
but there is plenty more.
I was handcuffed to a chair and my bed
as well as the knob of my door.

Bob's dad would take advantage
while I wasn't moving free,
He would go on with the touching
and he started molesting me.

This happened for 6 years
the secret kept so silent,
even though I had the marks
of a childhood so violent.